Tough bitter sweet day

[MarieLaure]

Hi all
Today my dad and I saw a documentary in which he took part. The theme was elderly people. He saw himself almost motionless speaking on the screen. It made him sad. It made me sad. He hadn’t realized his physical aspect. I hadn’t realize either I suppose I got used to the changes as they came. I think he still saw himself as he was before he was stranded in his bed. He is in denial. He asks the physio when he ll be able to walk again. It s ok. That is the way he copes. But tonight I can’t help being scared because it s what happened to his wife who died a year and a half ago. I loved her. She held on as long as she believed she would once walk again. When she understood, she stopped eating and drinking. At the time I thought that was a clever move. I love her. But now I am afraid he ll do the same. Not logical I know.
I thought I had come to terms with his dying but I am not ready with his suffering or being sad.
I suppose I must keep on finding opportunities for good times for him. Cousins visiting Saturday. That’s an opportunity for champagne and cake

 

[lgelb]

I'm sorry, MarieLaure. I can see that would be hard, and frightening.

We can't postpone suffering and sadness forever, even if someone is in denial like your dad. Likely, at some point, as happened with his wife, he will want to leave those behind, and so now may be a time where you reiterate to him that you support him in how he wishes to respond to his changing situation. You can acknowledge his feelings and the sadness, you can remind him that you are there if he is fearful, which he well be beneath his stated denial.

As we often say here, the greatest gift we may be in a position to give is the physical support for the decision when enough is enough. That is the point at which we must stop being us for a time, and be the instrument through which our PALS achieve their final wishes. There is never really enough time to come to terms with that in advance, but if you know that you may need to find that resolve, you will find it if/when you need it.

Meanwhile, in the carpe diem spirit, I wish you a festive visit with the cousins.

Best,
Laurie

 

[MarieLaure]

Thanks a lot Laurie

 

[MarieLaure]

I promised I would help him die. It seemed obvious at the time. I still think it is the right thing to do but I am not sure how I can do it without his suffering. Silly. He knows I kwow.

 

[KateEmerson]

MarieLaure, I'm sorry to hear about your tough day. My husband had very strong denial also. I felt so conflicted about whether to have a direct conversation with him about the reality of his diagnosis , my fear in doing so was that he would give up as I believed that his denial was his way of coping . I understand how difficult it is. Wishing for the best for you and your Dad.

 

[MarieLaure]

Thank you. His denial is not a problem for me as I see it as his way to cope as you say. What hurt yesterday was that he saw himself in that movie and it shocked him.
It’s good to know you guys here understand it all, contradictions included

 

[wishmobbing]

Marie-Laure, thank you for sharing this with us. Just a big bitter-sweet hug from me. Bisous!

 

[MarieLaure]

Merci Wish !
Bisous

 

[affected]

I so get it. My Chris was in denial too, as well as having FTD. So he would say things like - don't worry xxx won't happen. We both knew xxx would, but he would cling to those things.
When he reached the last week of his life, after an awful pneumonia and hard partial recovery he said to me calmly - I can see death. I think we both knew at that point, though it was a few more days for me to consciously admit this. I then found a huge pool of calm peace. I hope this can happen for you also. It helped me to really give good palliative care and he did not suffer at all those last days. He suffered a lot in the year before that.

You are facing your feelings now, this is a good thing as you know this is not easy on anyone. Much love to you xxx

 

[Narrowminded]

This time is never easy. Just know we all here understand and are here for you. Sending huge hugs.