Mary Helen Barr
Active member
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2006
- Messages
- 61
I've been avoiding this website for the past week. My father died Monday morning, 12/10 at 7:10 AM. I was with him when he took his last breath. A month or so ago, I thought he seemed like he could go on forever the way he was, but he rapidly declined the last month. He was to have a neuro appt today. At the end, he could not speak. I took the time to spend with him to decipher what he was trying to say, but most of my family did not. I know I thought life would be much easier for me and for him if he were to be released from his misery, but I sure don't feel the relief. I wish I could have another day or week, etc. I was his main caretaker for 2 years--every day. I was the only one who moved him.
6 days before he died, he called me at 12:30 AM. Even tho he had not been able to speak on the phone lately, or even get a call made, he somehow managed to get me on the phone and say 3 word "I need you". I immediately went over there, and he said he didn't know what it feels like to die, but he thinks he's dying. I said "Do you mean in general, or like tonight or tomorrow?" He said "Tonight or tomorrow." He wasn't able to explain why he felt that way, but he told me how much he appreciates all I've done, and he could never be able to repay me. Now, mind you, this was a huge effort for him to say, because his voice was gone. On Saturday, I could sense the time getting even closer, so I told him I would still have done it, even if I'd known it was going to be like this, and that I know I could have stopped at any time but wanted him to be able to be at home like he wanted.
The night before he died, I asked him if he would like me to play the piano for him, and he gave me a slight, tiny bit of a nod, (all he could manage) which I knew meant yes. I didn't have any music, so I just played hymns for him by ear. He was a musician, himself. He didn't read music all that well, but had a great ear, and could just play and play. My problem now, aside from missing him, is that I keep thinking of specific times (there were only a few, bit still...) when I was impatient with him, and it sounded in my voice. He was never able to help his condition, but I did have some times when I was annoyed. Those times didn't last too long, because I can often "get over myself", but I feel terrible when I think of how he must have felt when I sounded impatient. Now I only wish I could have done more for him, and I don't have the chance.
6 days before he died, he called me at 12:30 AM. Even tho he had not been able to speak on the phone lately, or even get a call made, he somehow managed to get me on the phone and say 3 word "I need you". I immediately went over there, and he said he didn't know what it feels like to die, but he thinks he's dying. I said "Do you mean in general, or like tonight or tomorrow?" He said "Tonight or tomorrow." He wasn't able to explain why he felt that way, but he told me how much he appreciates all I've done, and he could never be able to repay me. Now, mind you, this was a huge effort for him to say, because his voice was gone. On Saturday, I could sense the time getting even closer, so I told him I would still have done it, even if I'd known it was going to be like this, and that I know I could have stopped at any time but wanted him to be able to be at home like he wanted.
The night before he died, I asked him if he would like me to play the piano for him, and he gave me a slight, tiny bit of a nod, (all he could manage) which I knew meant yes. I didn't have any music, so I just played hymns for him by ear. He was a musician, himself. He didn't read music all that well, but had a great ear, and could just play and play. My problem now, aside from missing him, is that I keep thinking of specific times (there were only a few, bit still...) when I was impatient with him, and it sounded in my voice. He was never able to help his condition, but I did have some times when I was annoyed. Those times didn't last too long, because I can often "get over myself", but I feel terrible when I think of how he must have felt when I sounded impatient. Now I only wish I could have done more for him, and I don't have the chance.
