The Thrill is Gone

[BlueandGold]

Well my dear friends, my "heaven sent" physical contact with my wife is gone. I have gone down hill in the last month; wearing trilogy more and body losing muscle mass fast. My wife says she just can't do it anymore, which broke my heart because that told me she was only doing it for me and was never enjoying it from her end. At least I have some nice memories to reflect on but it still hurts like hell.

I still write her love notes every day because I am so in love with her and will be for eternity. Thank you all for your support.

Vince

 

[affected]

oh Vince, don't make that presumption.

She can't do it anymore, could mean she is heart broken, exhausted, sad, grieving and 1000 things more and this all affects libido. That does not mean it was purely for you, it means she is being honest about where she is at today.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt for you, and I'm so sorry this monster takes without every stopping.

I'm so glad you write her the love notes every day, if you just stopped she may feel they had only been a ploy for her physical attention. Keep doing it so she knows it was a pure love gift.

I hope there can still be a lot of physical affection as you keep love alive, even if it's not the full scope of what you were wanting. xxx

 

[BlueandGold]

She told me Tillie that she just can't handle physical contact because of my progression. But I understand. Never ever look in the mirror anymore.

Vince

 

[affected]

I'm so sorry Vince, but that doesn't meant she was never enjoying it or getting anything, but that it is now this way and she has been honest xxxxx

 

[lgelb]

Vince,

Tillie is absolutely right -- it is the love that you share in your notes and the love that is still in her heart that are the ultimate gifts that you will always exchange.

Best,
Laurie

 

[KimT]

Vince, You still have the important thing....the care and love. Keep writing the letters. It's important to let her know how you feel but please don't try to guilt her into being intimate. She has shown you her love by taking care of you. Maybe she just needs a break.

Can you give her a day at the SPA or some other gesture of your love?

 

[gooseberry]

I am sorry Vince. I hope I dont offend anyone but I reached the same point as your wife. Taking care of someone is very intimate but not in a sexual way. After caring and wiping and cleansing the whole body, I didnt want a sexual kind of touch. We still held hands when I sat with Steve and I would rub his arm, kiss him, and very gently hug him. It was a very hard time because he had so few abilities but he still needed to be loved.

 

[BlueandGold]

I totally understand. I am not angry at her at all. Just sad.
Vince

 

[BK2011]

Vince,

I am truly sorry you are hurting.

But I am a bit confused; I thought "that heaven sent physical contact" stopped after three children.��

Bill

 

[affected]

I'm sure she is incredibly sad too Vince. I hope you can both express your sorrow and grief at this and allow the love you have to shine through the loss. That would sound so trite coming from anyone other than members here who understand exactly what these losses are.

 

[Scotiaspirit]

Its a tough topic, as the usual way of expressing love to our spouses or mates, changes, this disease erodes away the way we once were, and taking care of us, especially if our spouse works, they can become very exhausted, physically, emotionally and spiritually. In my own experience, it has been a tough adjustment too. Speaking from my own perspective and opinion, and I am sure other circumstances for others can be similar or vastly different. Physical intimacy can become very challenged, often our spouses or mates are dealing with their own emotional challenges dealing with constant caregiving instead of that equal give and take that was usual before we got hit with this monster. Many ALS society offices have resources or referrals to people that can help. No easy answers, but being able to talk about it is a very good first step.

 

[tripete]

I see the looks of sadness and worry on my wifes face when we are intament. It hurts her to see me struggling to breath, cramping, falling over etc. I know it will end, and like you I can't blame her. It is just part of the end.

 

[KatieNBoyd]

Vince, my heart breaks for both you and your wife. I know just how this has been. Words do now seem adequate to give you any comfort. Just know you are both in my prayers.

Katie

 

[Lkaibel]

I am so sorry Vince, this has to be so hard.

Brian does not really have an interest at this point it seems. I would not be adverse to sex and in fact I would always be sexual with him if he wanted, but I admit I feel differently about his body because his body has already ended life as we know it, if that makes any sense.

 

[Nuts]

Vince, I am so sorry. What a wonderful thing it is that you had the additional time---please keep up with the notes. I also understand the fear of harming my husband. It's not a lack of desire or attraction, but an unshakeable need to monitor his comfort and safety that is an unstoppable distraction. Much love to you.
Becky