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Lenore i get it. The end is so hard and i too review the time. Not fun.
And still, how in the H#@!!! did that really happen!
Struck by one very cruel bolt of lightening.
 
Last night, I went to the ALS Association annual gala. It was actually a pretty good night. Good food, good music, an hour and a half of open bar (because with respect to those in recovery, many of us could use a drink when we are thinking about ALS), and good auction items. My friend Jeani bravely went with me. She ended up enjoying herself too.

There were moments, of course. The attached photo is from our table. For twenty five dollars donation you could have a memorial plague at your table. I had one for Brian, a second guest had another. She was across the table from me and so overcome through much of the dinner and program that she could not look at the stage. Her husband passed just three months ago so I thought it was really brave of her to attend. She was not crying but still and hunched over, almost seeming to be in prayer. Her daughter and son in law were there too.

I listened to very little of the featured family presentation. They had a young woman there with her husband and sons. They seemed like awesome people and I lasted about three minutes before I had to hit the restroom And grab a coffee.

I got a silent auction item and got really competitive in the bidding because Of a story the rest of the world might think morbid, but my fellow former CALS I think will understand:

When Brian was in his final week, I had my phone alarm set at intervals during the night to give him meds. The tone I used was ”Knocking on Heavens Door”, the Bob Dylan version. I think it was my prompt to myself that Brian really was heading out, don’t live on the river in Egypt.

Part of the Whisky/ Tray/ Glasses set I bid on was yup, Knocking on Heavens Door Whisky, made in cooperation with Bob Dylan. The aging artist‘s commercial venture showing up like that in a silent auction item at this event seemed like a small message from Brian. He‘s okay, made it through that door. Perfect.

We ended the night right after dinner And the program. I was pleasantly un freaked out. I’d like to come back next year, work time and travels permitting.

The jury is out on my new job. Time will tell how it really goes. Either way, I’m good. I’m in demand and in a place where I have some resources. I take it in my stride and I am too old and have been through too much to be unhappy.

I was never hesitant or risk adverse as a personality, but I think the experience of ALS and losing Brian has emboldened me further. In the beginning, I sometimes had thoughts so dark I could not speak them. They would have alarmed my loved ones with what I knew were passing emotions.

At the end, those last 4 months in particularly it was like crawling through fire on broken glass, but being so numb, so disoriented that you can see your knees bleed and your skin flush but can’t feel the heat or the cuts. At the very end, you lay there collapsed and stare at the sky wondering how that happened.

I know a part of me still is staring at the sky. I also know I am cooling and those cuts heal a little more each day. I was forged in that fire, made someone new. Slowly, slowly I’m standing up.
 

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Love the plaque Lenore. Beautiful.

Happy you enjoyed the gala. Haven’t done anything with the ALS group yet. Was going to do the walk was in bad head space that day. I’m glad you could go.

Sorry the job doesn’t seem to be quite what you expected. Hopefully it will all work out.

I hear you about those last 4 mo. Great description.

Hugs
 
Thanks Sue, what will be will be.

I am having a day. Sad, anxious. My health anxiety pokes me hard whenever I have any issues but I am coping with it okay.

My houseguests were to move tomorrow into their new house but now he’s having a foot problem, may not happen just yet. I want my house back, but I can be patient.

I think about holidays coming on. I fly to Honolulu day after Thanksgiving and I’m at a friends day of and making the turkey so that’s covered. Christmas I think I’m just not going to run from. I think I will see my mom and then I will come home, hang with my own little tree and my animals, watch Brian’s favorite Christmas movie ( It’s a Wonderful Life) and look at his pictures and think on my memories. We will spend Christmas together one more time, this year, in my heart. I know it would sound morbid to some but Ive already given an invite a big “maybe”. I want to be on my own, with my memories except for visiting my mom.

My mom. Dementia progresses, now she is really talking in circles. I’m starting to try to tell her things I want her to know. Yesterday it was that I love her of course, but also that she did some good stuff even if she did not get quite the life she wanted, and that her genes reach all the way to Honolulu and three great grandsons. I said hey, I am a biological dead end maybe but through your son you go on. She heard that, and that I love her. She remembered her cat that I have too.

Busy day at work tomorrow. Bad days come and go, I know.
 
Hugs as you contemplate the holidays. Not easy to navigate. I was in a state of shock last year I believe and just moved through Christmas. This year headed to my DDIL’s family in Honduras. Both kids are going so we will be together, but far from home. I question it, but maybe it will be a good thing.

I’m praying for your Mom. Dementia is so very hard. A different hard than ALS, but still hard. Hugs as you navigate that part of your life as well.
 
I was pleased to see my mom less loopy today when I visited her.

I miss Brian so very much. I’m okay, its just always there, the hole. I’m also thinking it’s possible my love of travel these days is more about not being in a house that I lost him in... Hmmmm... There is some food for thought.

Work is getting better, we will see how it plays out. I like the people a lot and it’s great how we can get things done.My worst day there is probably no worse than the best days had come to be in my old job. Never let an employer break your heart, lesson learned.

In two weeks, six days I am off for a week in Honolulu visiting my brother, nephews, etc. I May post pics 🙃
 
Lenore, many days I don’t want to come home because Brian is not here. So far no luck on a new home.

You will know what’s right for you when the time comes, I understand it.

So nice you will be away for the holiday. Enjoy every minute you can.

hugs
 
Enjoy Hawaii Lenore! Sounds like it will be a good time!
 
I’ve been doing a lot of “forgetting” this week. Monday, I “forgot” that the U of M was doing a service for donors in the Anatomy Bequest Program. I gave them a picture of Brian in October, and then “forgot” it was happenening Monday.

Wednesday I “forgot” it was the 8 month anniversary of Brian’s passing. I remembered that on the way home from work yesterday. I remembered about the Bequest Program last night on the sofa.

Brian would highly approve of all of that forgetting. I can practically hear him saying okay, you went to the ALSA Society thing a few weeks ago, you are posting on group of yours to current CALS and you work a lot. That’s fine, but go live your life. I’m always with you but you have a life to live.

Yes Brian I am living my life.Oh, and when I finally get your ashes back I’m doing a small tattoo with a small amount of them in the ink. So there! Nothing morbid. I’m looking at designs of line drawings of our late, adorable little Pomeranian Lily. She was one of two wonderful Poms we got together and she was Brian’s favorite of the dogs. I also have a Siamese cat tattoo in his honor.

Ironically, Brian was not really into tats. He didn’t have any. I still think he’d like these and I know I do.

I’ll be at the airport at this time in two weeks. Thanksgiving will be done! Time is getting faster again, it went more slowly for
Me for a while.
 
I say that forgetting is good. Somedays I forget too.

The tat sounds interesting. Not something I’ve ever wanted to do, but I know some love them. Do what makes you happy.

And I think your Brian’s sentiments about living your life are true. I imagine mine would say the same. He was not one to pine away over anything.

Enjoy your trip to Hawaii in his honor and I will try to do the same with mine at Christmas.

Hugs
 
Okay, I think what I have is an example of the “wait a year”type of decision To make. None of this is about ALS and it’s a dull read besides, so consider moving along :)

Its the house, and it’s so d%@! complicated it makes my head hurt.

My current home is at least a few things a home should be (in my opinion). It’s below my means. I’ve always felt that whenever possible, you need a mortgage that you can either make double payments on if you opt to do so, or you can weather loss of income without having to move. Check and check.

It has space. When you carry 4 cats and a dog, a tiny wonder will not do. I have some plans to narrow the heard by natural attrition, as a few a these animals are seniors and I tell myself maybe I won’t do another dog, but I’ll likely end up with two dogs so they can keep each other company while I work when this one and some of the cats pass on. So space, and my fenced in yard matters.

Then we have the other side.

The location is both an advantage and a problem. It’s very convenient, next to the major freeways, etc. The neighborhood is sub par. I’m an urban bear and have never much cared. However, being single is making me care more. Brian was not a big man, but he was a fierce one and adept with his rifles besides ( he was trained in same, not just a guns guy). Years ago, he scared off home invaders ( in another house, not this one) and made the news. I’m not at all saying I live in fear, but I think I underestimated how much safer his pre ALS presence made me feel.

I have a full grounds service here, not just some snow removal because there are hills here I literally cannot navigate with a lawn mower of any caliber. The hill from the front is insane. My late nephew did it once, and at 6’2 basically said never again without better equipment. The amazing Brian did it weekly.The mortgage is so affordable it’s not the end of the world by any means, but that’s some cash output monthly all year long for sure.

The garage is detached. In this climate, that’s brutal In winter some nights. I also don’t like walking it in the dark at night. If I stay, I’m going to floodlight the back yard.

The memories are a pro and a con. Our life together started here. We left from and returned to this house after our wedding. We moved our first dogs together into this house. Then we all know the other side so well I don’t need to elaborate. Brian died in a bed on the floors he had laid four years earlier, overlooking the garage he built, unable to move a muscle below his neck. I’m sitting a few Feet from where he passed.

In writing this, I think maybe I have made my decision. Weather, new job and all it will take me until Spring to do anything about it and it will be complicated and short term costly but I think I need to sell. I had thought for a long while that I would probably stay but now I think likely not.
 
Lenore, sometimes the answers just comes to you. All the logical thought in the world is sometimes not as good as the feeling that overcomes you when the answers is there. I hope that the process of selecting a new home is good for you. You can take all your pros and roll them into whatever else you might be looking for, and then find the perfect place for you. I hope this can be an exciting adventure, rather than a complicated trial.
Much love, Becky
 
Lenore we will be looking together. Yup, 2 weeks and it will be a year. I’m more certain about moving than not. I need yard for the dogs and a fence. I also need a place that isn’t full of memories (mostly bad). Our old home held the good memories. I so understand everything you expressed. And my home is also close to major highways.

So when you are looking, know I am there in spirit with you.

Hugs
 
I started actively perusing listings last night. It did all make sense once I wrote it out.
 
Lenore we will be looking together. Yup, 2 weeks and it will be a year. I’m more certain about moving than not. I need yard for the dogs and a fence. I also need a place that isn’t full of memories (mostly bad). Our old home held the good memories. I so understand everything you expressed. And my home is also close to major highways.

So when you are looking, know I am there in spirit with you.

Hugs
I’m doing a full quote here Sue because I notice a lot of people do end up selling. If it were just me and a cat I might be tempted by a condo, but as it stands I need a house. It’ll take longer, but worth the journey I think.
 
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