- Joined
- May 9, 2016
- Messages
- 1,529
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 06/2016
- Country
- US
- State
- MN
- City
- Minneapolis
I just never know when something I see will turn on the water works. Last night is was this:
I binged the final season of “Orange is The New Black”. Piper says to a friend “ I was in Federal prison. It was ten percent of my life, and it changed absolutely everything and now I have no idea who I am.”
So I burst into tears, paused the show and let myself luxuriate in some self pity and honest comfusion. Substitute “my husband got ALS and died” and you have how I feel every single day.
When Brian was alive, I use to actually think some days, “chin up, boots on”. I was my own drill sergeant. I actually had an internal monologue to myself that was a bit of a shout to get up, keep going, and never lose control.
Then he died. I got into a loud argument with my a-hole boss and we know how that all wound up (actually all for the best, but just saying). I’ve become somewhat erratic, randomized. I must motivate myself out of the house some days or to do the least bit unpleasant tasks.
I feel distracted, unfocused, not “miserable” by any means but out of sorts. I went from being a CALS and a full time employee to a widow on summer vacation, not even looking for another position in earnest until September 1. It’s great in so many ways, but I also went from 14 and 16 hour days to having to make myself clean cat boxes. I’m not depressed. I’m something else. I know not what.
Speaking of which, I’m getting myself much out of the house today, starting now, and I think it will be a very good thing. Enjoy the day everyone.
I binged the final season of “Orange is The New Black”. Piper says to a friend “ I was in Federal prison. It was ten percent of my life, and it changed absolutely everything and now I have no idea who I am.”
So I burst into tears, paused the show and let myself luxuriate in some self pity and honest comfusion. Substitute “my husband got ALS and died” and you have how I feel every single day.
When Brian was alive, I use to actually think some days, “chin up, boots on”. I was my own drill sergeant. I actually had an internal monologue to myself that was a bit of a shout to get up, keep going, and never lose control.
Then he died. I got into a loud argument with my a-hole boss and we know how that all wound up (actually all for the best, but just saying). I’ve become somewhat erratic, randomized. I must motivate myself out of the house some days or to do the least bit unpleasant tasks.
I feel distracted, unfocused, not “miserable” by any means but out of sorts. I went from being a CALS and a full time employee to a widow on summer vacation, not even looking for another position in earnest until September 1. It’s great in so many ways, but I also went from 14 and 16 hour days to having to make myself clean cat boxes. I’m not depressed. I’m something else. I know not what.
Speaking of which, I’m getting myself much out of the house today, starting now, and I think it will be a very good thing. Enjoy the day everyone.