I went to a place last night to meet a friend that Brian and I frequented when he was first diagnosed, that first summer. We were there 3.5 hours and had a great time. Then, there it was. On the short drive home I burst into tears and started yelling “Why?!” To myself. I thought I was still driving okay. I must not have been, because a cop stopped me. I pulled over, took a deep breath...
The officer started talking but I looked up and since it was still light out (8:30 is still light in Minneapolis this time of year) he got a good look at me. Immediately the officer said “ What’s wrong ma’am?”. I told him my husband passed from ALS on March 13th, I’d just been somewhere we use to go a lot, and I just lost it a little. Without hesitation, he asked if I lived far and said he’d follow me home, or his partner could drive my car whichever. I said following me was fine. He said he was not going to run a breathalyzer or walk me, but if I was drinking a little too much beforehand to please be careful and not do it again.
I assured him I’d had one drink and much food and thanked him for believing me about the alcohol and the ALS. He said “ALS is not something people make up”. I asked him if I was driving terrible. He said no, just a little too much rocking in the lane, they watch for that. When we got back to my place, he rolled the window down and said “I am so sorry. You take care of yourself now.”. He made me wonder if he had some firsthand with this beast.
Overall, I was super impressed with the kindness, particularly in my very “ urban” neighborhood. Lessons learned were 1. We are never doing as well as we think we are as close out as I still am. 2. If you lose it in the car, pull over!
Today I’m cooking. I have not cooked in literally years. It’s a beautiful stew I first made when I was 26 out of a Julia Child cookbook. Feels like life back in the house. It’s a good day to recover from a moment where the reality of a certain Bronte quote hit me “The entire world is a collection of memoranda that he did exist, and that I have lost him.”, to paraphrase on gender.