It was a good trip for sure. It was difficult at times going to the places again that were so much a part of my life with Brian, but also oddly therapeutic. The weather was good, which is always iffy this far North. Minnesota as a state has an unpredictable climate for sure, but when you are at the Canadian boarder it gets all the more, and we lucked out. No mosquito or fly frenzies yet even!
I finally, after three plus months changed cell service to my name only, wiped Brian’s phone and put it away to sell, and closed his individual accounts. I was ready. It was not pleasant but not a total heartbreaker either. I think two months ago it would have made me hysterical.
I am as ever torn between feeling sort of okay and wondering if I’ll ever be truly okay again. He did truly surround me always and never left my thoughts completely. I’ve seen on the Facebook pages “ the second year is harder because it’s about the reality of life as a single woman, not just the grief”. Welp, I sure see the reality now of life as a single woman for sure.in addition to needing to find a new identity, there have been the practical concerns.
Fully realizing the simple fact, and all it implied that the only things I had with my own name on them were my car and a checking account has been interesting. Everything else was authorized user, Transfer on Death Deed, beneficiary on death, ( house, which some will recall was screwed up and had to be dealt with! ), etc but I was not owner or responsible party. Twenty first century me, with a job since age 14, was in a pretty traditional situation indeed in some respects.Thanfully my credit rating turned out to be more stellar than I thought, otherwise it’d really be messy.
A weird thing popped up today. I had a friend who moved from here to California about 5 years back, maybe more. She was almost more my husband’s friend then mine. I recently unfriended her on Facebook and another site. I was peeved because when I posted I finally had time to go on dinner cruises and see movies, she replied that it sounded like I was “looking for an escape” and what sort of therapy was I doing for my loss.
I won’t, won’t be told how to grieve. Nope, not doing it. She was also someone who stopped calling Brian when she came to town. About six months after hIs Dx, she basically scolded him for not going to a party because “it was only going to get worse”. Geee, so glad she told us ALS is progressive! Who knew!
Anyway, you get the picture: not the brightest or most sensitive bulb...
She texted me tonight asking why I had unfriended her. You know what? I think I will just be beotchy enough to not reply. I have no energy for her. She doesn’t deserve any.
Tomorrow, I stay home and clean house. The idea of having time to do that on a weekday is mind boggling! After two years of barely time to breath, I’m sleeping later and making my own schedule. I decided I start seriously pursuing another position September 1, and then I throw myself into it for sure. I’d like to have a position come the new year or sooner, but Imdo plan to look and choose wisely. There are many opportunities in my industry, age, etc are not a big factor, but also some scary situations you’d best avoid.
Another random thought, I was drinking a little too much for me, I’m not really a big drinker normally. I scaled back. Grief will not be drowned, jumped over, or denied. It yells at you to live through it- and you’d best obey its commands.
