Status
Not open for further replies.
In some respects, hell at work is when you give a thirty day notice.

Yesterday I was caught between a chuckle and wanting to say “actions have consequences - for both of us” when my boss saw I had put some desk things in a box and he said “You’re boxing things?” And frowned.

Yes, dude I’m boxing some things two weeks out. The decorative stuff I won’t be using or needing. No, I won’t be changing my mind and begging to rescind my notice so you can have the pleasure of either telling me No or bringing me to heel. You lost, because one of the most powerful words in the English language is “Goodbye”. Either that, or the dude is just really, really into his Mr. Nice Guy routine. Either way, I see you...

Theoretically, he should now be staying pretty much in his own space just the next state over until I go. We have just two more phone meets scheduled. Cool! June 13th can’t come fast enough.

I pulled a pic out of my desk yesterday of Brian. I put it away right after his Dx. It broke my heart. I held it a minute and worked to keep it together.

I’m headed back in today to shuffle more hard copy items from my desk. Spread, keep, file... I want to be ready when the day comes. Close the door, turn the page.
 
Lenore good on you sticking to your guns. Who knows, maybe the higher ups gave him what for over the whole incident and told him to treat you with kid gloves so you don’t actually leave. OR he is just your typical sociopath.

Happy to hear you are getting things cleaned out now, so no last minute rushes on things.

Hugs as you move forward.
 
Lenore,

When I left work, 3 years ago this coming August, it was under somewhat different circumstances. DH had been diagnosed for 2 years, but we had been circling in on the diagnosis for 2 years before that. I was juggling work, home, 3 kids and DH's numerous doctor and PT visits. It was to the point where it was unsafe for him to be at home alone. My boss at the time, although we had a somewhat rocky relationship, had been understanding, but it was all getting to be too much for me. I finally went in and told him I was taking a leave of absence. But I also told him there was a very good possibility that I would not be coming back.

I went back to my desk, spoke to the one other person in my department (he knew everything that was going on and had been really supportive) packed up my personal items (you'd be amazed at how quickly you can do it once you really decide to do it), wrote a goodbye email to some of the people I had worked closely with over the years and walked out the door as soon as I hit the send button. I was not ready to talk to anyone - too emotional. 25 years, 8 bosses, many ups and downs - both personal and professional. And I just walked away. I think I cried the whole way home.

Looking back, I have never doubted it was the right decision.
 
I do and do not wish I’d left sooner. If I’d left sooner I would have had to delay the refi on the house into my name. That would have not been good for numerous reasons. American law is very complicated about what banks can and cannot do in an estate situation with a surviving spouse.

Time with Brian would have been good, for the most part but I’m going to whisper here that some of it would have been not good.

We took the route of me as the morning, weekend, and evening caregiver with me working full time. I had NO domestic responsibilities though beyond animal feeding, dishes, and breakfast and dinner prep and feeding for Brian.

No laundry, no groceries, no cleaning. I think in many respects it was better for our relationship that we were not together 24/7. Work also kept me in touch with a life outside of ALS.

I see many CALS who have been full time caregivers and I think the post loss adjustment is harder.

That said, a thing I’ve dealt with is the aftermath of being Absolutely Exhausted. All CALS, employed or not are exhausted even if they don’t know it.

It’s not just being in the thick of it that leaves you unable to see how freaked out you actually are, it’s being too tired to notice.

Three years ago on 6/30, we went to a Dr’s Office and came out with an ALS diagnosis. It’s always a shock, it’s always a like being hit by a bus. Even if you know it’s coming you hold out the wee hope that it will not. I feel like finally I am able to step back a bit and absorb what happened since that day.

The job has been noise that kept me from hearing my thoughts, kept me from playing the tapes. I have long felt that I was at about 85% capacity on it, and I like to work and take pride in doing it right so that’s been hard.

I want to stay constructively busy in my time off. I don’t want to fall prey to sitting and staring and dwelling on things, but I am really grateful to finally be getting time to process and recover.

My soon to be former boss is extremely charming and personable, ironically. Before he was my boss, I liked him. Since his promotion, he’s driven a lot of people nuts and I’m sure he is clueless to that. He is also perhaps one of the most passive aggressive people I’ve ever known. I think there was a long chain of organizational breakdown and disfunction that led to him being promoted (which was done by exec decision, not application on his part). I think it was some of the same disfunction that allowed him to process what happened between us as a write up when staff who have committed actual violation of policy are defended and protected by HR, repeatedly.

I’ll miss my team for sure and the organization has done some great things for me, but it’s past time to be oughta there. I’d be better off driving Uber than continuing with this nonsense (and people in my industry are in high demand, no Uber required lol).

Lucky me.
 
Nothing is easy with this ALS journey.

Although I do not regret leaving my job, it has not been without it's issues too. I get it when you say "I think in many respects it was better for our relationship that we were not together 24/7." DH and I have had more fights in the past 2.5 years than in the 20+ previous. It's probably been one of the biggest adjustments, as we both were very independent. And every day, I really miss "a life outside ALS". It's really hard not to think of all the "what ifs".

I know you will find your way, Lenore. Please be kind to yourself along the way.

Big hugs!
 
Lenore,

You balanced a near-impossible act of work, your mom, and Brian. I applaud your decision to cut ties with work.

I had planned on working another year after my diagnosis but my newly appointed boss dumped two times the work on me as other faculty members, just to drive me out. She resented me because I had won every award the college had to offer and I had led the Department, myself, for so many years.

She's no longer there. She got fired for lack of meeting goals. In her place is a man I hired and trained. Knowing that gave me some satisfaction because I would have left with much more money had I stayed one more year.

Look forward. Move forward. But do it at your own pace. It's what Brian would have wanted for you.
 
Lenore, you are so right about being exhausted. It’s still hitting me now, 6 mo later and I feel I’ve really had a lot of time to process. Meaning away from work time as I actually get it done in 2 days for the most part. However the fact that I own it and cannot just walk away is really hard. I have employees to think about etc. Lord knows I’d love to just pack up, walk out and not look back.

I know you will figure this all out. It takes time, be gentle with yourself. The right things will happen at the right time.

Hugs my friend
 
As my last day approaches in my current position (which incidentally will be the three month anniversary of Brian’s passing) some thought on changes occur to me.

This past year in particular has truly been the ring of fire. It was about this time in 2018 that Brian graduated from being able to move a bit on a walker to being full assist transfer. I started with my current boss and knew in my gut it
was a whole separate nightmare.

By the fall, Brian was bed bound, and my mother was diagnosed with dementia. My eldest dog had passed on, and my 37 year old nephew was found dead in his apartment by his room mate.

My life became angry and numb by alternate measures. I made fun of feelings because I just didn’t have room for any. I treasured my time with Brian, I loved and appreciated the few friends I had who stayed involved. Still, I said I felt like a barbarian. I looked okay, but I felt like some crazed saber toothed warrior, my only softer side available to my animals and my husband and not even them all the time.

The pure strength to get up every morning, take care of my dying husband, go to my demanding job, come home and take care of him some more, keep track of my mother’s situation, and manage the people and situations that arose as I did all of this seemed to almost take away some of my humanity.

I sort of feel sick when people admire my “strength”. That strength took nearly everything it could steal.

Seeing Brian through to the end and then going back to work, likely much too soon has been an awaking for sure. The events that lead up to my resignation made me feel downright assulted. I think just to illustrate how this worked, I’d give this example:

Over the winter, I was up at 4:00 AM flushing my husband’s blocked Catheter when I got a call that a site had a broken pipe in a garage from lack of heat, leaking water and no space heaters. I carried one of my own space heaters to my car, drove it over, called around to buy more while the emergency service worked to restore heat. I am the supervisor for the manager of this site, and I essentially went from my husband’s sick bed to help maintenance. A few months later my boss would write me, a widow of 61 days, up for a loud argument.

If this had happened at a Fortune 500, I think I’d feel a little differently. The fact that it happened at a non profit organization that yaps “Mission, vision, values” non stop, well make of that what you will. I have worked about half my career in non profit, and I have seen numerous examples of this tendency to cannibalize their own. Nonprofit is truly not a business model, but a tax status. If it is a covert business model, it’s probably a more ruthless one in some respects than the for profit world. The mission is for the public, the staff are but sacrificed to said mission.

My mission going forward in this last 10-15 working years of my life (health depending) is is to make the best possible income to do the best possible job. I am coming to have little doubt that I will not return to the non profit world, and I will not return to exclusively special needs/ affordable housing. I’m tired of HUD bureaucracy. I’ve enjoyed helping people, but now I’d like to help myself and hey if I can provide other middle class folks with nice places to live and nice people to deal with whilst making shareholders happy, I see no problem there.
 
Lenore I’m so glad you’ve bared your soul and gotten some of this out there. I know the release will help.

I totally get how you feel about the. “You are so Strong” comment. If these people even knew 1/2 of what it took to be called that, they’d sink.

I’m praying your next position is one where you can feel fulfilled and also feel like you are helping those around you.

Enjoy your time off and recharge, work through the time you’ve been through and figure out who you are and what you want to do moving forward.

Hugs
 
Thanks Sue. I’m also done pretending this is anything but devastating. I am not okay, and that’s alright.

I know think some would think I am idealizing my marriage, but we truly did have it all, I said so frequently before ALS happened.

To have that love that is the stuff of legends and lose it after less than nine years of marriage can’t be anything but devastating. I am Heathcliff, and he is gone.

So to rebuild from not just a blank slate but a grave loss is the agenda. The old job is part of the old life and I think the sooner I finish the next four days and begin to put it in the past, the better.

There is much to be thankful for in having that position on my resume and the experience I gained from it. I would not be getting recruiter emails for the sort of positions I am getting without that one on my resume.
 
Lenore there are all kinds of marriages. I’m so thankful yours was one for the legends. Ours was up and down but with 34 years under our belt with 5 years of dating prior, you’re bound to have disagreements somewhere along the line. It was good too overall.

I’m thankful that recruiters are reaching out to you, that is so very positive. Even if you are not yet ready, knowing you are sought out feels awesome.

Have an amazing last 4 days.

Hugs
 
The last day at work was the 13th and it was actually pretty great. Went out to a going away party and and it went late, it was a lot of fun and a little therapeutic besides.

The now former boss made some nice words at our last department meeting, even asked for a picture of the cake they got me (he was calling in to the meeting from an out of town office). I played right along. The truth does live, and he gets to live with it and I get to move on.

Now for the next chapter. I’ve been busy since Thursday, and plan a totally vegetative Sunday. Sofa, computer Netflix but today more things to do.
 
Really sounds like a good last day and like some co-workers might really miss you. Congratulations to being free. The summer is yours!
 
well done Lenore - you got this :love:💜
 
Happy to hear the last day went well. I know you’ll miss the co-workers, just not the boss. And who knows maybe he is a bit sorry it went this far. Can’t be easy for him to replace you and the higher ups might be on his back as well.

Have an amazing weekend and few weeks a head while you plan your next steps for your new life.

Hugs
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top