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I found I suddenly understood the cultures where widows wear black for 12 months or something similar. I felt like if only there were something visible that people would respect. Like Vincent saying if we were bleeding. I would feel like, if I were wearing black people would step back, be respectful and even accept me being however I was and cut me some slack.
 
I still have no idea how a PALS copes and I was married to one.

To add to recent events, the write up of which I spoke happened the day before Brian’s birthday, which then became the day I resigned. My thought though was that it was Independence Day in my world. Oddly appropriate.
 
I totally get everything said here. Yes, we are in an identity crisis. Who are we now? We are not the person before this hit, we’ve changed and a lot. But suddenly we are also not “caregiver” or “spouse” all in one blow. 2 roles pulled out from beneath us.

I have to say, as much work as a puppy is, it has been very good for me. Getting a dog is not for everyone, but it gives me something positive to focus on and yes, makes me a caregiver again.

Lenore I think you are so brave up and quitting your job, giving the timing of the write up, I can totally see how it hit extra hard. You are right, it was your Independence Day. Now you need to explore who you are and who you want to be.

Sending hugs and prayers for guidance for you as you move forward.
 
Wearing all black, yes I get it now too!

Now you are suppose to pretend you’re okay, except of course when you are neatly planted a a therapists couch. Who may well prescribe meds and plenty of ‘em so you can look fine, sort of....

Yup 21st century grief is suppose to be well packaged and staged and not make others uncomfortable, for sure.

Back when I was taking care the of Brian, I cut myself in the kitchen at work and did not notice until someone told me I was bleeding. That’s how disassociated I had to be to get through my days. It was a pretty substantial cut too.

At least now I know when I am hurt and bleeding. That’s progress of a kind.
 
our perspective on so many things is quite radically changed! yeah, I would notice now if I did something like a knife cut, before not so much ;)
 
Who has time to think about a cut with all we were going through. Now, yes. However, I have a nice bruise on my wrist and have no idea how I got it. I still think my body is shut down to a bunch of my pain.
 
I am going to Vegas in July for a friend’s birthday. It’s also where Brian and I got married, at Red Rock Canyon. I’m going to visit the spot. I may bawl like a baby, but I want to see it once more.
 
Lenore that sounds like a fantastic idea. My thoughts will be with you as you do so.

Hugs
 
Today I came to understand that the whole work thing is another traumatic happening that I need to recover from.

There was basically an entire year of my experience with this final boss that I found much pain and aggravation in from our first one on one meeting and it ended like this.

Sure, it’s a casualty of ALS in the way that had ALS not been in my life, I could have managed the situation better and it would not have ended this way.

I found out today that this boss actually told one of my Reports that he was “sorry to see me go”. Somehow, that drove me nuts too. I realize he was trying to be Mr. Nice Guy, but never once in a decade + as a supervisor have I written anyone up that I would be “sorry to see go”. Liar!

Leaving this job is 100% the right thing for me to do. It’s just been heartbreaking to see 5.5 years of dedicated work, including working when I probably should have been with my terminally ill husband end this way.
 
Lenore I am so sorry this is still bothering you so greatly. Yes, not sure I would have written someone up that I was sorry to see go. It would have had to be really agredious and it if was that bad, they would have been fired on the spot.

I hope this time away from the work force will do you well.

Remember as we were going through ALS, we did the best that we knew how to keep things balanced.

Hang in there, and huge hugs
 
It’s gotta be all about moving on re this job thing. You really can’t move on to your next chapter while you keep re reading the pages from your last one. This job is my past in more ways than one.

I think it’s going to be very good for me to not be sitting at the same desk I came back to after Brian was diagnosed and all the other grim ALS milestones we know too well.

This guy (my soon to be former boss) gets to be there with the personal legacy that as a supervisor, one year in as a Director he wrote up a widow of two months who had been there 5.5 years doing a good job. It’s pretty well known in my team, and I have a feeling he’ll eventually do something else to someone else and it will grab him hard.

I, on the other hand get to move on. I think it’s like a friend of mine said “don’t worry about it, you won”. I said well, I quit. She said “Yes, that’s how you won. He’ll only be happy about it until he gets how this looks for him.”

Did I mention that I have show tickets, a rented pool cabana, and a Spa appointment in Vegas? Then also the trip to Red Rock Canyon where we got married, and reservations at Prime where we had our reception. That, and as I said it’s one friends birthday and another friend is just now moving out there. It’ll be a busy 72 hours. I somehow love the idea of partying and enjoying right up next to acknowledging our life together and the profound loss.
 
Your partying plans look great !
Although the whole process is unpleasant, your not having to do with this ( rude language) person again is good news.
New adventures ahead !
I really like that sweet and determined look of yours on your avatar photo.
Former CALS are veterans. They know better.
As usual you are doing the right thing!
Overseas good vibes
 
The avatar pic is from February. Brian was still alive and I was settling in to watch The Tudors.

It occurs to me that visually, my surroundings look different to me since Brian passed on. Things look cooler? Sharper? Not sure how to describe. Grief is a tangible thing. Food tastes different. I wake up most nights around the time I woke up to find he has passed on. I feel
Like I can see with my eyes the void he left.

On a grown up topic, I feel terrible that I have started thinking about how I’ve not had sex for two years. Yet perusing same is of course something I’d not consider now.

I’m just floating in my own messy little world. Thanks to all of those who have floated alongside me thus far.
 
I hear you about the job situation. Not going back where everything happened. I so wish I could do the same. It’s hard because our business was Brian’s passion. I have absolutely no desire to be there, yet I can’t just up and quit. I own the joint. I have employees to consider. If I just shut down, they’d all be out of work. I can’t do that to them. I will still work toward selling though.

Yeah your ex boss will not be thrilled when your whole team is giving him the cold shoulder and cooperation is at an all time low. My guess is that will be his undoing.

Love you plans for Vegas. I hope you party with the best of them.

Sex? What the heck is that, at least 12 years and counting...However no desire at this point either.

Have an amazing day
 
bobbing along with ya 💜
 
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