I'm at ten months here. I can relate to so much of what you have written Lenore and Sue. I'm coming out the other way though, I'm not selling. We were on the ALS fast track, 20 months from diagnosis. We had been in the house for 12 years before the nightmare and have a lot of good memories here. I can see that if it had been longer term that I would want somewhere without the ALS memories. I took Tillie's advice from a post a while ago and changed up a lot of the rooms. I rearranged and painted. So they still look familiar, but different enough to not trigger bad memories. The room Dave passed in is now a very large sewing/guest room. It looks totally different and for the most part I can enjoy it. Once in a while I kind of flash back to it before, but I try to not dwell on it. I know Dave would be glad I have it as a "happy place" for my quilting. He always told me to "buy the fabric if you want it."
I'm in a safe neighborhood, but I don't feel the same without Dave here. I put on the front and back porch lights every night, which I didn't do before. I also added motion sensor lights to the back yard. I added blinds to windows that didn't have them before. It's not like Dave was a big man, but just having him here made me feel safer. I also keep my cell phone in my pocket all the time. I'm a senior, but not ancient (61), and not frail. But I want to make sure I can call someone if I get injured. I am too young to get one of those alert things ("help I've fallen and I can't get up") plus I HATE the scare tactic commercials they run!
I was just telling a friend today that sometimes it feels like it didn't really happen. Three years ago this month we had no clue, and by December we were suspicious Dave had ALS. I feel like my life is designated Pre-ALS and Post-ALS. Very often when I see a date on something, or a picture, I think, "We didn't know what was coming then."
Mary if this had happened in our old home, I might feel differently as we had many good memories and many neighbors as friends there. While he was sick there, the bulk of his vented time was in this home, so this home is all ALS.
I hope all who celebrate had a great Thanksgiving and others have had a great Fall now that winter is with us.
Long and short of recent events: I went to Hawaii for a week. Beautiful as always. Very good to see family. Had one crumby day where I just really was upset that I would not be flying home to Brian as I was last time I was there.
I went and put my feet in the sand on Waimānalo Beach, stood and looked out at the blue blue sea as the waves come in on my feet and knew Brian is here with me forever. Love does not die.
Back here in the land of ice and snow, we have more snow coming in tomorrow and I am doing my first day of my last two weeks at my current job and starting a new one on 12/23 (yup Christmas week). Same field, I think it will be a better fit.
Lastly after beginning to look around and interacting with lenders, for many reasons I decided that now is NOT the time to sell my house and buy new. I’ll be here another year or two and doing some work besides. It’s a business decision, as real estate must be.
I will however be focusing on making some significant changes and clearing things out.
I further decided that this coming week is the one where I stay focusing on an exercise routine and cleaning up my diet seriously.
This coming Friday marks 9 months since Brian’s passing. I’m not a widow, I’m the wife of an Angel. As such, he has flown off and I am here, living my earthly life. I wonder if I’ll ever be interested in a relationship again. I think the ocean was whispering “yes” to me this week, but I still can’t imagine it.
When I ready what you say i feel like i have a kindred spirit I appreciate your thoughts. Am I crazy/ not crazy.. should i quit my job or stay, overall it is overwhelming ugh. I too have decided I am not moving, yet.. a few more years here, I don't know how to do this life , really. I am repainting and fixing things up so when it is time I will be able. I struggle to get rid of " stuff". "Stuff" we acquired together, "stuff" that is not of value really and is overwhelming to look at . I don't know how to let it go and yet if he were here.. i would pitch it without a thought-- I have so much to sift through!!! Thanks for the vent. Peace to all!
Our tenth wedding anniversary, April 12, 2020 was the one where I was wanting to redo our vows. When I thought that up 4/5 years ago I’d not thought for a moment he would not be here to do that with me.
April 12, 2020 is also Easter. It may not be an accident in my life that it is a day of new beginnings.
I’m a little shocked too! There is a story though: the company I am going to actually seemed like a great prospect before I was hired by the one I am leaving. However, I was offered and accepted a position from the company I am Now leaving before I could go further is discussions with the one I am going to now.
Sometimes when you are seeking a new position, it take a bit of wiggling to get that right fit .
So even with it being nine months Friday, my mind conjures these images.
I see “old” Brian pre ALS in my arms again- ‘ ‘Wow sweetie I had this terrible dream. You got sick and withered and died. It was so bad and so real. Let me hold you, I just need to feel you next to me’ .
Nope, all real of course. I talked to a woman who lost a husband twenty years ago to ALS, married again, and she said it never has seemed totally real to her.
I worry a little, is there a shroud of denial protecting me and one day it will just hit me and level me because it is real and I just really feel it for the first time?
Makes no matter if that is true, really. I just have to take it as it happens.
I am almost 11 mos in and I feel the same! People ask ...are you ok? I say , "I think I am ok. Am I ok? I think I am?" then, almost as suddenly, I blurt out, " Idk, maybe this is all gonna smack me in the face one day? " That"s what I keep thinking anyway. Maybe I am just ok. Aghhhh!!!!