The Middle Wife

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littlered

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The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
 

Atsugi

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Thanks, LittleRed. That put a smile on my face.
 

GregK

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fionae

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Thank you for the good laughs, little red !
 

Gembead

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What a wonderful story, thanks for sharing it.
Love Gem
 

DreamsEnd

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Loved it!

Sherry
 

gooseberry

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Lol.....funny what kids say
 

Nuts

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I love this story...thanks for sharing!
 

JimInVA

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Absolutely WONDERFUL!
 

4tloml

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LOL! Hope you've given Erica's mom a copy. Don't you just love getting a glimpse of life from behind a little one's eyes?! So precious.

I have a cousin who is a doula. Would you mind if I cut and pasted your story and sent it to her? She would probably want to share it with others in her community, so if you're not comfortable with that, I understand. It is just so precious and funny! (Still laughing.)
 

littlered

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4tloml - Please feel free to share this. It is not my story, I copied it from an email I received.

Glad everyone is getting a good chuckle. The visual of this is priceless!
 

andycap

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I needed that laugh...that was hilarious

Thanks for sharing :)
 

Green Queen

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Kids are so funny! When Carrah was about eight she asked how babies come out. So I told her the two ways.
After I'd told her the natural way, she promptly crossed her legs and told me she was NEVER doing that!

God bless, Janelle x
 
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