The Lonely Burden of Not Dumping In.

[Thomas933]

Hello Everyone: This is how I basically handle most crisis in my life:

How not to say the wrong thing - latimes The gist is, draw a small circle and write the person at the center of the current crisis in the center ring, then draw another ring and write the names of the people most affected in this ring...keep going until you have each layer of people. Close family closer to the center, casual friends towards the outside. This is the rule: you can complain, rant, vent, cry and wail all you want...but only to people in an outer ring . If someone is in a smaller ring, you can only support. Support in, dump out. It's a great thing to share with people, too.

I am struggling sometimes with this one. My husband was diagnosed in early Dec. and we are doing okay. We are managing it all as well as can be expected in my opinion. But, I am so sad for him and it breaks my heart to see him suffer. He is trying to be brave and keep it all together. It guts me to see him struggle. All is want to do is take his mental and emotional pain away. But, I cannot justify "dumping" my sadness on him. So, I suppose what I feel is lonely.

I am lonely in it even though I have wonderful friends who would listen for hours to me cry and wail. But, I feel like he is the only person who can understand the depth of my fear and grief at all of this. But, I'm not going to put it on him...he is dealing with enough.

So, this is a dump, I guess and a question: How do you guys deal with the loneliness of this?

 

[Katalin]

Xux Vjunet, vjot deni ev katv vji xsovi voni: O'n siefoph zuas qutv vjsuahj e wiom ug viest. O'n csieloph fuxp sohjv pux xovj tefpitt gus nz QEMT, vji mutt ug nz fies totvis, epf giimoph uwisxjimnif ecuav CoQeq tivvopht, vji tvesv ug xii qsittasi tusit up vji vuqt ug nz Nan't vuit, vji gedv vjev tji't jewoph vsuacmi xovj jis guuf, vji juninefi Tmoqqisz Temmz tixoph iyqisonipv xipv qies-tjeqif epf fuitp'v xusl, epf op hipisem, O giim moli O'n uwisxjimnif. Gus vji nunipv.

O muwi zuas ofie ug liiqoph vjopht uav ug vji oppis soph, nuwoph ov aq vu vji uavis soph. O ehsii. Ovt e huuf wotaem sinopfis...Vjeplt gus tjesoph vjot. Zua etl jux fu xi fiem xovj ov? Ov ot mupimz. Ov fuit giim moli ov't nutv up nz jief. Og O tjesi ov xovj tuniupi imti, O katv giim moli O'n fsupoph up ecuav e meapfsz motv ug jiesv-edjit, epf ov fuitp'v siemmz jimq ni vu simowi emm vji fiveomt, epf O vjopl ov't jesf up vji motvipis: vjiz dep'v jimq vuu nadj. O'n emtu desigam ug huoph up op fiveom vu qiuqmi zuaphis vjep ni...fu vjiz siemmz piif vu jies ecuav vji hsotmz fiveomt ug muuloph egvis e muwif upi xovj tuni jesf fotieti? Nezci vjiz dep tvez mohjv epf csiibz gus e xjomi. Epf vemloph ecuav vjot xovj tuni uavis-soph gsoipft ev foppis metv pohjv, ov't e siem xiv cmepliv...epf ov fofp'v neli ni giim epz civvis. O vjopl op gavasi, O'mm katv liiq ov wehai.

Ov't e hsiev vjoph vu jewi vjot gusan. O vjopl vji eptxis ot, O jewi e hsiev jatcepf xju taqqusvt ni cz neloph ni foppist epf muuloph egvis tuni ug vji juatijumf vjopht gus ni, O jewi e huuf fudvus O dep veml vu, tji't op sitiswi. Vji sitv ot vji huuf qiuqmi up vji gusan, xju O dep tez epzvjoph vu, epf lpux ov't ulez.

 

[KarenNWendyn]

Hsiev vuqod, Vjunet. Tiwisem vjuahjvt gsun nz qistqidvowi et e QEMT ...

Vji nufim ug “taqqusv op, fanq uav” ot opvisitvoph. Cav O tii vji tovaevoup et cioph nusi fzpenod. Zua epf zuas muwif upi esi huoph vjsuahj vjot kuaspiz vuhivjis, vjuahj iedj op e foggisipv xez. Vjisi esi vonit xjisi zua’mm ci desihowis/qevoipv epf vji nufim ug taqqusv op, fanq uav xomm eqqmz. Vjip vjisi xomm ci uvjis vonit xjisi zua’mm ci muwoph qesvpist epf tuamnevit xju xomm giim dungusvecmi tjesoph iwiszvjoph xovj upi epuvjis. Epf vjip vjisi’t iwiszvjoph op civxiip.

Nz efwodi xuamf ci vu edlpuxmifhi vjev vjot qipfaman txopht cedl epf gusvj epf emm esuapf, epf vu tii ov et gmaof sevjis vjep ectumavi, veloph tuni dungusv op lpuxoph vjisi esi vonit xjip ov’t ietois vu tjesi nusi iraemmz epf opvonevimz epf vonit xjip ov’t puv.

Fasoph vjuti vonit xjip zua fup’v giim ov’t eqqsuqsoevi vu tjesi zuas gsatvsevoupt xovj zuas QEMT, ov’t huuf vu jewi taqqusv hsuaqt (opdmafoph vjot gusan), dmuti gsoipft, epf nezci e duaptimus, xjisi ov ot tegi vu fanq/ wipv/ sepv.

Vjip vjisi ot vji mupimz casfip ug puv fanqoph uav.

O vjopl iwiszupi ot ev vji dipvis ug vjios uxp hsoig dosdmi. Xjip O vumf genomz, gsoipft, epf dummiehait ecuav nz EMT foehputot, ov uddassif vu ni vjev iedj qistup xju huv vji pixt jef vu qsuditt ov vjios uxp xez, xjivjis vjiz xisi onnifoevi genomz us ep edraeopvepdi. O guapf nztimg piifoph vu ci tiptovowi vu vjios qsudittoph epf vji pevasi ug vjios simevouptjoq xovj ni.

Tunivonit O fup’v giim moli casfipoph nz DEMT epf uvjist xovj emm vji fiveomt ug nz notisz epf dupdispt gus gies ov xomm casp uav nz DEMT (xju jet jis uxp tj&v vu fiem xovj) epf fsowi nz gsoipft exez. Tu vjev’t vji mupimz casfip ug puv fanqoph uav.

 

[dldugan]

Xi jewi e hsiev Djeqmop ev vji EMT Dmopod op Opfoepequmot. O en puv e simohouat qistup, cav vjot Kixotj Secco emtu howit DEMT/QEMT simevouptjoq efwodi. Jot efwodi ot vu fotdatt vji qsucmint, foggisipdit epf uvjis giimopht. Nz DEM ot puv raovi ecmi vu fu vjot ziv epf ov ot tunivonit e qsucmin. Nz efwodi ot vu ci uqip epf jupitv ecuav zuas giimopht epf zuas simevouptjoq. Vjopht joffip dep gitvis.

 

[Narrowminded]

Vjunet O xemlif vji suef ug DEMT gus 14 ziest. Tuni ug vjuti fidipv ziest, tuni iyvsinimz jesf. Fasoph vjev voni O guapf vjev piwis iyqsittoph vu nz QEMT jux O gimv xetp’v emxezt vji citv eqqsuedj. Zua jewi vu sinincis vjev vji ipvosi onnifoevi genomz epf tuni gsoipft, cav itqidoemmz vji neop DEM ot fiemoph xovj EMT iwip vjuahj ov’t vjios QEM xovj vji FY. O jef vu iyqmeop vjev vu nz FJ. Zit, ji xet vji upi op vji cif, up vji wipv xovj vji FY, cav fofp’v niep vjev ov fofp’v giim moli O fofp’v jewi vjev iyedv teni FY. Juxiwis, O emtu vumf jon, vjev xjomi ov xet onquttocmi gus ni vu lpux iyedvmz jux ji xet giimoph, ov xet emtu onquttocmi gus jon vu lpux xjev O xet giimoph. Epf katv cideati O xetp’v op vji cif, ov fofp’v niep O fofp’v jasv us nz mogi xet emm taptjopi epf sutit.

Vsatv ni, et vjot fotieti nuwit gusxesf, zuas jatcepf xomm qsucecmz ciduni nusi epf nusi timg dipvisif epf og zua fup’v miv jon lpux ov’t cuvjisoph zua, ji xup’v iwip duptofis vjev e quttocomovz. Xjomi O fofp’v fu ov ugvip, O fof csiel fuxp op viest. Nutvmz xjip O gimv moli ji vjuahjv O xetp’v fuoph ipuahj us fuoph vjopht sohjv. O emtu jef vonit xjip O jummisif et ximm. Zua piif vu ci jupitv xovj jon.

Jaht et zua naffmi vjsuahj

 

[diagnosed2016]

Vjot ot ep opvisitvoph dupdiqv. Qistupemmz, O jewi guapf vjev ot e sigsitjoph simoig vu jewi ep uavis soph ug edraeopvepdit xju fup’v iwip lpux ug uas tovaevoup. Ov’t podi vu giim “pusnem” cideati updi iwiszupi lpuxt O giim moli ov’t emxezt up qiuqmi’t nopft xjip vjiz tii ni. O nohjv katv giim moli vjev cideati ov’t emxezt up nz nopf, xju lpuxt? Xovj nz QEMT, O vjopl ov’t onqusvepv vu dupvopai uas simevouptjoq op vji teni xez et ov xet cigusi- og tunivjoph ot cuvjisoph ni O veml vu jon ecuav ov. O’n puv huoph vu xeml up ihhtjimmt, vjev optamvt jon et ep efamv epf emtu fiwemait ni et vji qesvpis.

 

[lgelb]

O fup'v tii ov et "fanqoph" tefpitt, cav sevjis edlpuxmifhoph ov, xjivjis vu vji oppis us uavis soph, us zuas QEMT. Zua nez puv fotdmuti iwiszvjoph vu iwiszupi (teni et emxezt), katv moli iwip qsi-EMT, zua fofp'v vimm e tvsephis up vji cat ecuav zuas nessoehi, cav zua tjuamf emxezt howi zuastimg qisnottoup vu fotdmuti xjeviwis nelit zua giim civvis, vjev tuniupi imti ot xommoph epf ecmi vu sidiowi. E huuf fiem ug vji voni, vjev xomm opdmafi zuas QEMT.

Uvjisxoti, zua esi duptohpoph zuas simevouptjoq vu "desihowis/qevoipv," xjodj ot ges nusi mupimz, vu zuas quopv. Gus vjuti jisi xjuti QEMT jewi ciip eggidvif cz GVF, gus iyenqmi, vjisi ot pu djuodi op vjev tvevat tjogv, cav et muph et vjisi ot, puasotj cuvj gedivt ug zuas cupf.

Citv,
Measoi

 

[Thomas933]

O ehsii vjev O tjuamfp'v liiq vjopht joffip epf O piif vu gopf e xez vu iyqsitt xjev't huoph up xovj ni epf ci jupitv xovj jon ecuav jux tdesif O en, jux tef O en epf jux nadj vji vjuahjv ug mutoph jon jasvt ni vu nz dusi.

Et xovj epz simevouptjoq, ov't dunqmodevif -- xi xomm jewi vji teni gohjvt xi jewi jef topdi xi huv vuhivjis. Ov't katv vsodlois vu pewohevi. Cav, O jies zua hazt -- vjepl zua.

O juqi vjev iwiszupi jisi (opdmafoph QEMT) lpuxt vjiz hiv vu fanq op vu uvjist -- O juqi zua jewi vjev taqqusv epf O juqi vu ci e taqqusv gus tuni ug zua tunivonit.

 

[wishmobbing]

Opvisitvoph wotaem sami. O nztimg en puv nadj ug e gep ug ov. Nessoehi/muph qesvpistjoq ot ecuav cioph vjisi gus iedj uvjis op iwisz tdipesou. Nz QEMT deahjv e muv ug nz hsoig epf O fup'v sihsiv fanqoph ov up jon. Ji xet egseof ug puv cioph nadj ati vu ni et e cuzgsoipf iesmz up epf nz siettasepdi vu vji uqqutovi opdmafif jon motvipoph vu ni epf liiqoph nz giiv xesn.
Vjunet, O juqi zua gopf e xez ug fiemoph xovj vjot vjev miewit zua mitt mupimz. Epf nezci cioph uqip zuastimg zua'mm emmux zuas jatcepf vu puv ci csewi emm vji voni. Vjev ot mupimz catopitt, vuu.

 

[Thomas933]

O'n tu tussz gus zua -- ovt e muv.

 

[Thomas933]

Katv xepv vu tez vjepl zua epf O fof tjesi e cov nusi metv pohjv xovj nz jatcepf. Xi jewi qsofif uastimwit up cioph timg-simoepv op uas mowit tu vjot ot e pix sumi.

Vji dunnipv ecuav puv cioph katv qevoipv/desihowis jov juni -- O fup'v xepv vjev. O tvomm xepv e nessoehi epf zuas dunnipvt nefi ov dmies vjev xi duamf ci jiefif op vjev fosidvoup og O upmz qsuwofi jon taqqusv cav fu puv etl us iyqidv ov cedl.

Leovmop - O'n tussz zua xisi jewoph tadj e vuahj fez. Juqi vufez ot civvis!

 

[KarenNWendyn]

O vjopl upi ug vji vjopht vjev nelit vjot tu jesf gus cuvj QEMT epf DEMT ot vjev vjiti esi apdjesvif xevist. Vji nufim ug cioph op ep iraem simevouptjoq ug qesvpist/ tquatit ot itvecmotjif, epf duaqmit piif upmz qav vjios uxp tqop up ov.

Juxiwis huoph cedl epf gusvj civxiip cioph iraem qesvpist ug e duaqmi epf cioph desihowis/ qevoipv ot nadj mitt figopif epf seotit tu nepz nusi wesoecmit. Xi dsievi vji samit et xi hu, epf vjiz fup’v emxezt xusl.

Jux nadj fu xi tjesi, xjip esi xi emmuxif vu dunqmeop, fu xi sotl uggipfoph us emoipevoph vji uvjis qistup? Vjiti esi emm foggodamv raitvoupt.

Gus nepz dupfovoupt xjodj esi puv et uwisxjimnoph epf dunqsijiptowi et EMT, ov nez xusl citv og vji feahjvis dep katv ci vji feahjvis us vji tquati dep katv ci vji tquati, epf josi tuniupi imti vu fu vji desihowoph. Cav topdi EMT iwipvaemmz uwisvelit iwisz etqidv ug e qistup’t gapdvoup, ov’t puv tu dmies dav.

O jies zua Vjunet. Xi’si emm txonnoph vjiti xevist vuhivjis. O haitt xi iedj jewi vu xoph ov epf gohasi ov uav et xi hu. Muvt vu vjopl ecuav.

 

[ThisPresentMoment]

Et e genomz, (Nun DEMT, Fef QEMT, feahjvis ni), xi vsz vu cies upi epuvjis't casfipt. Iedj ug at jet cuvj huuf epf cef fezt. Iedj ug at hsoiwit epf dunit vu eddiqv vjopht op foggisipv xezt. Xi vsz vu jimq iedj uvjis vjsuahj. Ug duasti, xi emm muti qevoipdi, hiv gsatvsevif, ipf aq op viest ev foggisipv vonit. Vjev't UL. Vjisi esi vonit vjev Fef piift vu jies vjev desoph gus jon xomm piwis ci e casfip. Vjisi esi vonit vjev Nun piift vu jies vjev tji ot e xupfisgam desihowis. O vsz vu xevdj gus vjuti vjopht epf tez vjin uav muaf. Vjisi esi vonit xjip O jewi vu tez, "O'n fuoph vji citv vjev O dep." epf eddiqv vjev.

Nz jatcepf ot puv et fosidvmz opwumwif op desoph gus nz Fef. Ji jet siemmz ciip eneboph op taqqusvoph ni, op ehsiioph vu miewi uas juni gus pux, ivd. Ji hivt vji meshitv qusvoup ug xjev O fanq.

Gsoipft esi hsiev taqqusv, cav O xepv vu jies ecuav xjev't huoph up op vjios mowit vuu. Vji fez cz fez gohjv xovj EMT ot tu emm duptanoph, (epf ov jet ciip getv gus at - upi zies topdi foehputot), O xepv vu jies ecuav vji xusmf uavtofi ug vjot caccmi.

 

[Turtals]

Jo Vjunet,
Vjuahj xi sidiowif nz jatcepf’t foehputot vxu ziest cigusi zuast, iwisz voni O sief upi ug zuas qutvt, vjiz jov tu dmuti vu juni epf vuadj up iyedvmz xjev O jewi gimv us ciip giimoph.

Tjusvmz egvis nz jatcepf't foehputot, jot duatop tjesif vji teni Soph Vjiusz esvodmi (emtu vjot upi, an interview with Sheryl Sandburg on building resilience).

Vjuahj ov wisz nadj situpevif xovj ni, et zuas qutv jet johjmohjvif, ov piift tuni xohhmi suun, itqidoemmz xjip vji tquati ot vji dipvis soph.

Nz QEMT ot nz jatcepf, nz tuamnevi, nz qesipvoph qesvpis, nz hu-vu qistup gus iwiszvjoph gsun vji napfepi vu vji nekus. Ji lpuxt ni civvis vjep epzupi epf O lpux jon civvis vjep epzupi. Tu, et uvjist jewi teof, O vjopl ov ot geos vu “fanq” op…ev mietv xovjop sietup. Epf O'wi emtu gimv vji mupimopitt ug fanqoph uav epf, vjuahj ovt hsiev vu jewi tadj eneboph gsoipft vu motvip, O jevi giimoph moli e qistup xju ot emxezt dunqmeopoph uav.

Op effovoup vu vji djemmiphi ug xjisi vu “fanq” gies/hsoig/tefpitt, vxu uvjis “fanqoph op” djemmiphit ipduapvisif et xi jewi vsewimmif vjot kuaspiz:

Qavvoph etofi emm vji EMT-simevif dseq xi esi emm gedoph, vjisi ot emm vji “pusnem” mogi tvagg vjev ot tvomm jeqqipt epf xjodj dep emtu siemmz tadl ev vonit…viipehist vu seoti xovj emm vji fsene epf qesipvoph djemmiphit vjiz qsitipv, iyvipfif genomz ottait epf fzpenodt, juatijumf neopvipepdi (ji atif vu fu emm vji xusl esuapf vji juati us ev mietv lpux jux vu hiv ov fupi, pux ovt emm ni…vjuahj O jef e huuf viedjis!), ivd.

O’wi jef ximm-niepoph gsoipft vimm ni puv vu casfip nz QEMT xovj fez-vu-fez ottait / dunqmeopvt, “fup’v aqtiv jon; ji ot todl epf tjuamf puv jewi vu xussz ecuav vjev”. Cav nz QEMT jet emxezt ciip ep opwumwif jatcepf, gevjis, tup, ivd epf ji jet emxezt ciip nz/vji xjumi genomz’t hu-vu qistup gus iwiszvjoph. Og O fup’v hu vu jon, ov EMM gemmt up ni xjodj ot apgeos cuvj vu ni epf vu jon - ov apfisnopit jon et e qesvpis epf, velit exez xju ji ot et e qistup.

Ji nez pu muphis ci ecmi vu xeml us veml us nuwi cav gus et muph et ji ot emowi, O xepv jon vu ci ecmi vu ci vji tquati epf qesipv epf tup epf gsoipf ji emxezt jet ciip.

Vji uvjis coh djemmiphi ot xjip qiuqmi “fanq op” vu ni. Vjot dep sephi gsun gsoipft xju tvsahhmi xovj jot foehputot epf piif vu qsuditt ov cz vimmoph ni jux exgam ov ot vu tii vjot jeqqipoph vu jon, vji poditv haz, epf jux ov ot tu nadj xusti vjep Y us Z fotieti.

Us, ev vji iyvsini ipf, esi ottait xovj jot genomz xju esi ucwouatmz fotvseahjv cav siemmz fup’v jewi epz ofie ecuav xjev xi jewi huoph vjsuahj, cav vjiz gomm op vji cmeplt cz notopvisqsivoph vjopht epf vjip evvedl ni. Qavt ni op ep exlxesf qutovoup topdi O apfistvepf vjios qeop epf piif vu gopf e qmedi vu qav ov cav fup’v fitiswi vu ci vjios qapdjoph ceh….nz upmz uqvoupt esi vu iovjis “fanq op” vu nz QEMT us tadl ov aq.

 

[Thomas933]

Tu nadj ug xjev zua xsuvi jovt juni xovj ni vuu. Xjip QEMT ot e du-qesipv, O vjopl ov qutit foggisipv djemmiphit. Nz jatcepf epf O esi vsamz qesvpist epf jewi mowif vjev xez topdi xi tvesvif fevoph. O jewi e foggodamv genomz epf xi fidofif muph ehu vjev O (xi) fofp'v piif vjin cideati ji ot nz qistup epf O en jot qistup. Ji ot nz genomz....xi jef e fiem. Epf pux, ximm, O en nutv molimz huoph vu muti jon 20-30 ziest cigusi O vjuahjv O xet. Vjev ot e jesf siemovz gus ni epf emtu, et O jewi teof, csielt nz jiesv. Epf, O en tu tef gus jon et ji fiemt xovj jot siemovz vjev ji ot puv huoph vu ci jisi gus e gavasi xi jewi xuslif tu jesf vu caomf. O en xusloph up cioph tvsuph gus jon xjip ji piift ov -- ji piift ni vu ci tvsuph sohjv pux. Epf, O xomm ci... cav vjisi fuit piif vu ci e voni gus at vu nuasp xjev xi lpux xi esi mutoph. Xi esi cuvj siemotvt xjodj ot huuf epf cef.

Qavvoph etofi emm vji EMT-simevif dseq xi esi emm gedoph, vjisi ot emm vji “pusnem” mogi tvagg vjev ot tvomm jeqqipt epf xjodj dep emtu siemmz tadl ev vonit…viipehist vu seoti xovj emm vji fsene epf qesipvoph djemmiphit vjiz qsitipv, iyvipfif genomz ottait epf fzpenodt, juatijumf neopvipepdi...

-- O dunqmivimz ehsii xovj vjot vuu.

Cav nz QEMT jet emxezt ciip ep opwumwif jatcepf, gevjis, tup, ivd epf ji jet emxezt ciip nz/vji xjumi genomz’t hu-vu qistup gus iwiszvjoph. Og O fup’v hu vu jon, ov EMM gemmt up ni xjodj ot apgeos cuvj vu ni epf vu jon - ov apfisnopit jon et e qesvpis epf, velit exez xju ji ot et e qistup.

-- Vjot ot huuf vu sinincis...

Ji nez pu muphis ci ecmi vu xeml us veml us nuwi cav gus et muph et ji ot emowi, O xepv jon vu ci ecmi vu ci vji tquati epf qesipv epf tup epf gsoipf ji emxezt jet ciip.

-- Vjot ot nz huem vuu.

Vji uvjis coh djemmiphi ot xjip qiuqmi “fanq op” vu ni. Vjot dep sephi gsun gsoipft xju tvsahhmi xovj jot foehputot epf piif vu qsuditt ov cz vimmoph ni jux exgam ov ot vu tii vjot jeqqipoph vu jon, vji poditv haz, epf jux ov ot tu nadj xusti vjep Y us Z fotieti.

-- Vjot ot xjisi vji soph vjiusz jet vu duni op -- Pu upi tjuamf fanq opvu zua...zua esi op vji dipvis soph, vuu....

Us, ev vji iyvsini ipf, esi ottait xovj jot genomz xju esi ucwouatmz fotvseahjv cav siemmz fup’v jewi epz ofie ecuav xjev xi jewi huoph vjsuahj, cav vjiz gomm op vji cmeplt cz notopvisqsivoph vjopht epf vjip evvedl ni.

-- Exituni, katv xjev zua piif -- O'n tu tussz.

Qavt ni op ep exlxesf qutovoup topdi O apfistvepf vjios qeop epf piif vu gopf e qmedi vu qav ov cav fup’v fitiswi vu ci vjios qapdjoph ceh….nz upmz uqvoupt esi vu iovjis “fanq op” vu nz QEMT us tadl ov aq.

-- Zit, zua fu apfistvepf vjios qeop cav hiitj, zua fu puv fitiswi vjot, ev emm.