chrismaya
Active member
- Joined
- May 23, 2008
- Messages
- 44
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Country
- US
- State
- NJ
- City
- So. Plainfield
I am 44 years old and have always had a horrible relationship with my mother. My mother was quite dysfunctional her whole life. She would have fits of rage, slam doors, etc. I moved out of the house as quickly as I could once I could support myself (21).
All my life I just hated her. Hated all she had done to me. She abandoned me so many times. She was cruel to me. I am an only child.
Now my mother is in the end stages of ALS. She is too frail to be rageful. She has dementia. But she knows me. She just has lost short-term memory. This woman who once ordered everyone else around is dependent.
For the first time in my life, I love my mother. My friend told me that I was finally able to love my mother because she could no longer hurt me. That is true.
My mom was always fearful. Always worried. Unfortunately, she passed that on to me.
However, now my mother is brave. She does all she can to walk. She does all she can to eat, even though, she can't, really. Everything she puts into her mouth, just comes back out again. She falls a lot. She doesn't complain. She still wants her lipstick on, and for my little daughter's baby dedication a few weeks ago, she actually wore shoes with heels. She was wheeled in to the church in a wheelchair, but she had on her lipstick and heels.
I am so proud of this woman. I am so proud of her fight, even though she might not know she's fighting. I am so proud of her attitude, and how she keeps saying how good she feels. This woman, who was always pessimistic and depressed is saying she feels GOOD in the end stages of ALS.
This is a horrible disease. Well, I guess "horrible" can't even describe it.
But this disease has brought out the best in my mother. It has brought out the best in me. It has healed a relationship that was sick for 44 years.
For the first time in my life, I RESPECT my mother. I honor her. I have never done this. I have belittled her in my mind. Belittled her inability to cope, her inability to be reasonable, her inability to be "normal."
Now, I am in awe of her. She can cope.
After all these years, my mother CAN cope. And she is coping with dignity.
ALS has robbed us of a lot, but ALS has given us a gift of healing that we might not otherwise have had.
For this I am grateful.
All my life I just hated her. Hated all she had done to me. She abandoned me so many times. She was cruel to me. I am an only child.
Now my mother is in the end stages of ALS. She is too frail to be rageful. She has dementia. But she knows me. She just has lost short-term memory. This woman who once ordered everyone else around is dependent.
For the first time in my life, I love my mother. My friend told me that I was finally able to love my mother because she could no longer hurt me. That is true.
My mom was always fearful. Always worried. Unfortunately, she passed that on to me.
However, now my mother is brave. She does all she can to walk. She does all she can to eat, even though, she can't, really. Everything she puts into her mouth, just comes back out again. She falls a lot. She doesn't complain. She still wants her lipstick on, and for my little daughter's baby dedication a few weeks ago, she actually wore shoes with heels. She was wheeled in to the church in a wheelchair, but she had on her lipstick and heels.
I am so proud of this woman. I am so proud of her fight, even though she might not know she's fighting. I am so proud of her attitude, and how she keeps saying how good she feels. This woman, who was always pessimistic and depressed is saying she feels GOOD in the end stages of ALS.
This is a horrible disease. Well, I guess "horrible" can't even describe it.
But this disease has brought out the best in my mother. It has brought out the best in me. It has healed a relationship that was sick for 44 years.
For the first time in my life, I RESPECT my mother. I honor her. I have never done this. I have belittled her in my mind. Belittled her inability to cope, her inability to be reasonable, her inability to be "normal."
Now, I am in awe of her. She can cope.
After all these years, my mother CAN cope. And she is coping with dignity.
ALS has robbed us of a lot, but ALS has given us a gift of healing that we might not otherwise have had.
For this I am grateful.
