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chrismaya

Active member
Joined
May 23, 2008
Messages
44
Reason
Loved one DX
Country
US
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NJ
City
So. Plainfield
I am 44 years old and have always had a horrible relationship with my mother. My mother was quite dysfunctional her whole life. She would have fits of rage, slam doors, etc. I moved out of the house as quickly as I could once I could support myself (21).

All my life I just hated her. Hated all she had done to me. She abandoned me so many times. She was cruel to me. I am an only child.

Now my mother is in the end stages of ALS. She is too frail to be rageful. She has dementia. But she knows me. She just has lost short-term memory. This woman who once ordered everyone else around is dependent.

For the first time in my life, I love my mother. My friend told me that I was finally able to love my mother because she could no longer hurt me. That is true.

My mom was always fearful. Always worried. Unfortunately, she passed that on to me.

However, now my mother is brave. She does all she can to walk. She does all she can to eat, even though, she can't, really. Everything she puts into her mouth, just comes back out again. She falls a lot. She doesn't complain. She still wants her lipstick on, and for my little daughter's baby dedication a few weeks ago, she actually wore shoes with heels. She was wheeled in to the church in a wheelchair, but she had on her lipstick and heels.

I am so proud of this woman. I am so proud of her fight, even though she might not know she's fighting. I am so proud of her attitude, and how she keeps saying how good she feels. This woman, who was always pessimistic and depressed is saying she feels GOOD in the end stages of ALS.

This is a horrible disease. Well, I guess "horrible" can't even describe it.

But this disease has brought out the best in my mother. It has brought out the best in me. It has healed a relationship that was sick for 44 years.

For the first time in my life, I RESPECT my mother. I honor her. I have never done this. I have belittled her in my mind. Belittled her inability to cope, her inability to be reasonable, her inability to be "normal."

Now, I am in awe of her. She can cope.

After all these years, my mother CAN cope. And she is coping with dignity.

ALS has robbed us of a lot, but ALS has given us a gift of healing that we might not otherwise have had.

For this I am grateful.
 

kelly

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Oct 6, 2006
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661
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ny
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saratoga springs
Your ability to forgive is amazing..and a true gift to yourself and your mother. Hang tight in this fight. Fondly, KR
 

BethU

Extremely helpful member
Joined
May 11, 2008
Messages
2,644
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
05/2008
Country
US
State
California
City
Los Angeles
Your message gave me goosebumps. What a gift you are giving your mother, by releasing all the bad feelings and memories, and giving her your unconditional love and support ... and your understanding and respect for her strength.

BethU
 

Icanmanz

Senior member
Joined
Jul 14, 2007
Messages
947
Reason
PALS
Country
Uni
State
Texas
City
Tomball
Wow, chrismaya! I am totally out of words, but proud of you! I agree, Als is a mysterious disease! It can tear you apart, and yet make a strong person out of you. I am sure your Mom did not mean a lot of the negativeness that tore you guys apart, but I am so pleased that you were able to forgive her. You made a heroine out of your sweet Ma, may she rest in peace. I am proud of you, and God bless you!

Irma
 

CindyM

Moderator emeritus
Joined
Sep 17, 2006
Messages
3,543
Reason
Learn about ALS
Country
US
State
New England
City
Anytown
Your message brought tears to my eyes, Chrissy. You truly have grace while under under fire! Bless you and bless your family! Cindy
 

leegardens

Active member
Joined
Apr 5, 2008
Messages
31
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
03/2008
Country
US
State
Georgia
City
Atlanta
Chrismaya,
I just read your story about your mother. What an amazing journey! I am so glad you were able to make peace with her. You have healed yourself by this and no longer have to carry the burden of what your mom did to you. You have let it go. I wish you well on this journey.
Lee
 

hopingforthebest

Distinguished member
Joined
Feb 20, 2007
Messages
355
Diagnosis
02/2007
Country
US
State
NJ
City
Mays Landing
Als

Someone at work recently said to me "you are lucky" and explained that we are all "terminal", everyone of us is born, lives and will eventually (of course) die.

She said that her next door neighbor had a massive heart attack (in his 50's) and died this week. His wife was crying and said she never got to tell him the things that needed to be said etc. So with that, she explained why I am lucky. She hugged me and walked away. On my way home I thought about what she had said and realized that she was right. I am lucky that every day I appreciate the time I have with my husband and care for him as if "today" is our last day, with of course hoping for years more!

Getting to make peace with your Mom has been a gift and I am happy for you that you get to have this time. We are all imperfect people but we live in a imperfect world and need to learn from you about true forgiveness and moving on to enjoy the time we have together.

Thank you for sharing your story about Mom. Give her a hug from us all!

Patty :-D
 

quadbliss

Distinguished member
Joined
Dec 12, 2006
Messages
392
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
07/1998
Country
US
State
California
City
Benicia
Hi Patty,

I also feel lucky! I have often considered posting a list of all the things I am grateful for, but I know so many others are really suffering, and I don't want to "flaunt" my happiness.

Mike
 

awieleba

Very helpful member
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
1,023
Country
US
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michigan
City
oakland twp
MIke~

I think that you should post what you are grateful for and it is not flaunting. It is helpful for others to see a light or rather see things in a different light. I feel that what you have to say is so important, remeber-I told you to write a book! the able and unabled bodies can benefit from your life. I said it before, you really help me on days when I am frightened at my future.

peacefully,

april
 

brooksea

Legendary member
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
5,171
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Other
Country
HM
Yes, Mike! You really should post that list! I'm sure it would shed some light upon all of us. We may look at things a little differently after reading that list.

You never know who you may touch...
 

anneinma

Active member
Joined
Aug 6, 2007
Messages
66
Reason
PALS
Country
US
State
MA
City
barnstable
Hi Chrismaya,

I am so happy for you that you were able to put the past and the dysfunctional relationships behind you and find the best in your mom. In the midst of this horrible disease, it is a blessing that you and your mom have found some peace. It is a true blessing for you, your mom, and your family. I am thinking of you as I also came from a dysfunctional family and was able to find this kind of peace with my brother as he died of AIDS. It takes a lot of forgiveness, love and a huge heart which you obvioously have.

Try and look at each day with your mom as a gift. I am thinking of you.
 

Al

Moderator emeritus
Joined
May 25, 2004
Messages
7,960
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
10/2003
Country
CA
State
On
City
NW of Toronto
Sure Mike, go for it when you have a day when you have some extra time to put in here. I could use
some encouragement myself. Not having a lot of fun with the C- catheter thing. LOL.

AL.
 
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JACKIEMAX

Distinguished member
Joined
Jan 22, 2007
Messages
159
Country
US
State
TN
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Baxter
list of blessings - go for it.....

i am a christian, have been forever i guess. but not until the past few years when
i realized life is short, buried one husband, now my new husband of less than 8 years
has als, brought up an orphan, etc etc., i did not appreciate my blessings. my idea of
being a christian was going to church regularly, tithing, and not drinking, swearing,
or being immoral.

all of that is good, of course - it is what the lord wants from us and for us, but forgiveness of others, caring for others, encouraging others, and being grateful
for all our blessings is a big step toward understand what christianity is all about.

i am blessed in soooo many ways. i am 71 almost, but healthy enough to physically
take care of my als patient husband, having enough finances to bear the burden
of out of pocket medical expenses (so far) and having christian friends who jump
in with meals for us sometimes, and just day to day offers of help in any way
they can.

i live in America, i am free, i am in this forum with all of you wonderful friends, and i am grateful.

jackiemax
 

brooksea

Legendary member
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
5,171
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Other
Country
HM
Jackie girl you hang in there!

I wish I could come help you Jackie! You are strong.

We that face this disease all are brave!
 
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