The bills!

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brooksea

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I still can't believe my husband is this way! But it is what it is, just like they tell you with ALS.

How do you take over the bill paying without causing WWIII? My husband keeps changing the passwords for accounts indiscriminately, without telling me. The water was turned off last week and the electric was about to be turned off! I just had to go ahead and pay to catch them up and hope he hadn't done the same, as he would not communicate with me after my inquiries via email and call to my SIL (he's staying with her and she relayed the message - he can't talk).

I have thought a lot since he's been gone. I've had a chance to remember him as he was (mentally). It breaks my heart. And to know our son doesn't remember that...sigh...

Ah, well.
 

Katie C

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CJ... you need to find out what the passwords are and then CHANGE THEM YOURSELF. Then he can't change them on you. Does your bank or credit union have have onine bill pay? I mean .. you know the real answer to your question. There WILL be a fight. Just part of the package I'm afraid. But you have to kinda suck it up and do it anyway because you can't keep having your water turned off or your heat turned off! Wish there was an easier answer,but you just need to make it so he can't change the passwords on you any more.
 

Georgia Peach

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I am so sorry Brooksea. One more headache to deal with in this disease progression and when it affects your son (NO WATER) that is major.
 

joni51

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You already know that is what I am going through too, but it has to be done..sigh
 

tammyg

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Hang in there. I know it's stressful. I know if you show him the bills it will juist start a war. But he has to realize you need water and electric. Maybe explain to him that he has enough on his plate and you need to understand how to do it. Play dumb. Maybe if you could e-mail or call the electric & water people and tell them what you are going through they can keep you in contact without him knowing. I know with the kids on the internet, ain't there some kind of gadget to hook to his computer to see what he is doing? I don't know, tough situation. Is there anyway to track them on the telephone by putting in acct#. Here in Md, I just search baltimore water bill, it wants the address or acct # and finds it with no password ,just like a general search? Stay Strong. Take a hot bath and relax while you still can hopefully not by candle light.
 

asantiago

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Can you set them up for autopay? You should be able to do that via phone without account passwords if your name is on the accounts. Do that and just tell him since you thought that would be one less thing for him to worry about. At least that way it would be a one time confrontation about it instead of ongoing monthly.

Sorry that you have just one more thing to deal with!
 

cubcake

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Gosh, I know what you mean.....we've been married such a short time that all our finances are still very separate. I don't even have access to his money or his bills. I have the added bonus of his being an Accountant (as am I) so it's sort of double insulting to him? He ignores the people at the ALS Center when they tell him that I have to at least oversee the process.

You DO need to get and change those passwords, ASAP. It's the only way.
 

Katie C

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The only problem I can see with setting the bills up for autopay by phone is he will still have the ability to change things via computer unless the passwords are changed so he can't get at them. I realize it sounds harsh but financial issues are very common with FTD. CJ, you have a responsibility to your son as well as to your husband in this matter.
 

SueG

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Doesn't sound like the situation is such that he would sign a financial power of attorney to you... That's what my DH and i are doing to ease things. Even tho I trust him totally, it's still hard to swallow, but necessary. Wishing you the best!
Sue
 

Tom's Support

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Ya, financial power of attorney -- can you PROVE his incompetence? Cause you need that for the 'power' to come into play. Not sure how things are in the U.S. but here in Canada if you are female and not single then you are incompetent at running finances. That is the way. For instance, I have my own business and pay for 60% of household. Because I do not work for someone else, and therefore no recorded payroll, then I do not make enough money to qualify to buy a car and sign for the loan on my own. 49 years old and I need a co-signer. That is the car dealership and their financeers. The bank is no better. Don't talk to Bell Canada or the Hydro, they want to speak to the man of the house. Like he has EVER had a clue.
Passwords CJ. And put on your battle gear, it's only going to get uglier, but you WILL win this.
Juliette
 

rcharlton

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CJ and Juliette

Sorry to hear about your trials and tribulations.

Juliette - here in Ontario a power of attorney is effective from the date it is signed and incompetence on the part of the donor is not required for it to be enforceable. Actually a power of attorney ceases to be effective during any period of incompetency unless it expressly provides that it continues to be effective during any period of incompetency.

The problem with powers of attorney is that people don't understand them and are afraid of them.

The Ministry of the Attorney General for Ontario has a free kit with sample powers of attorney.

Power of Attorney Kit - Ministry of the Attorney General
 

Tom's Support

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OK, thanks. Here's how it is at our house so far....
We went to a lawyer to draw up our wills and powers of attorney. Medical power of attorney -- comes into play only when Tom or myself is no longer able to express his or my wishes, i.e. comatose. Financial power of attorney I believe is the same, when Tom or myself is no longer able to express his or my wishes. I have heard of all the troubles friends have gone through with Alzheimers and other such disorders in dealing with financial institutions etc. in determining whether the one with the trouble is inable to make decisions yet or not. Tom is by no means incompetent in any complete sense of the word, but some decisions he makes are not so smart. I am not comfortable to try the power of attorney yet because I do not want to upset him, but that leaves room for a lot of errors. Funny thing, the bank called to meet with Tom about our joint account. He told them (through me) that he did not want to meet. I explained that he had ALS and was not comfortable leaving home and since I was the other part of "Joint account" maybe they could meet with me. We set up the appointment. When I arrived she was not knowledgeable about what I was there for, commented that she had an appointment with Thomas on the 15th which she booked AFTER my telephone conversation that SHE initiated. Again, we are back to the dark ages where the women have no say in anything financial......
 

rcharlton

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Juliette - sorry to hear about your headaches.

But please understand that a power of attorney for property becomes effective the moment it is executed for the purposes stated in the document. In fact a power of attorney CEASES to be effective when the donor becomes incompetent unless the poa expressly provides that it continues to be effective during incompetency. I urge you to review this with your lawyer.

People grant powers of attorneys for a variety of reasons. Some poa's are for very specific purposes. You spend your winters in Florida but need to sell your home in Ottawa in February. Instead of flying back and forth, before leaving you grant someone a power of attorney solely for the purpose of doing everything necessary to sell your home (executing a transfer/deed etc.).

Most poa's are general and give the recipient the power to deal with all of someone's property. If someone is in a body cast or has difficulty getting out, a poa would allow someone else to take care of that person's finances.

And just because you start using a poa doesn't mean that Tom no longer has power over his finances - he still does. A poa does not remove the donor's right to deal with his finances - it just gives someone else equal rights. Only when a court declares Tom incompetent would he lose these rights.

You need to advise the bank and any other financial institution Tom deals with of the situation NOW - show them the poa and ask them if this will be sufficient to deal with Tom's finances. And this is not a decision for a bank teller or clerk - but a manager in consultation with a legal department.

If you wait until Tom's competency is in question and your documents are found to be deficient - it will be too late to fix it - and you will be sol.

Please look into this asap
 
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momap53

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I had to register my POA (to handle my Mom's affairs) with the county here in GA before the bank would honor it. I believe they then kept a copy on file at the bank. Don't forget: The POA ceases upon death!
 
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