Barbie
Extremely helpful member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2007
- Messages
- 2,681
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 01/2007
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- orlando
Over Memorial Day weekend my kids and I all flew up to Maine to spread Lonny's Ashes. He was raised in a small town on the coast and considered that his home so I decided that would be a good place for him. I rented a house in the town he lived in and we had a lovely time walking around and reminiscing about dad. Saturday afternoon we watched the video of his memorial service for the first time and looked at pictures of our family, then we had a Lobster feast in honor of him. As dusk approached, we walked out to a breakwater in the bay. it had been very foggy the night before and rainy in the early afternoon, but at sunset on Saturday it was clear and cool and calm as could be, as if Lonny requested it for us. the breakwater is about a mile long and by the time we reached the lighthouse at the end the sun was almost set. the sky was orange with dark fluffy clouds, and the ocean was completely still. No one else was on the breakwater by then, and one by one we each quietly spread his ashes on the water. afterwards we lit sky lanterns and let them go up over the bay (sounds lovely and it was--but really much harder than I imagined LOL). It all felt so right.
This ceremony gave me so much peace. I have to say, since he has been gone when I thought of him I could only see the ALS man in my mind's eye. I was very sad about that as I had 24 good years before ALS but the 9 bad ones seemed to have overwhelmed all the happy memories in my mind. But as soon as I got off the plane, I started to have such strong thoughts and memories of him. he and I had taken many happy trips up to Maine and everywhere I looked I could remember some happy time or funny story. I spent the entire 4 days weeping happily as the good things flooded in and washed away the bad images of him. now in my mind's eye is my beautiful young husband, standing on the beach in Maine laughing and smiling at me. I could so feel him there!!!
I think on one hand this has started a new round of grieving--not hot and raw grief, but a deep and final type of grief. way down in my soul--he is really gone and I am really alone without him ever again--grief. on the other hand, I feel motivation for the first time since he died. I signed up for a real estate class (gonna go back to work finally) and a conversational Italian class (going to Italy with my daughter in October). Started sorting my stuff and getting rid of things in preparation for selling my house whereas before the trip I could not get motivated to do any of those things. And I haven't taken any naps--I was sleeping all night and then taking a 3 hour nap every afternoon, before my trip. I can't say that I feel peace, but I can see that it will be possible someday. I hope at least it will be. I am realizing that the giddy weird happiness that I felt for the first few months was just a reaction to the stress of his illness and death. I feel alone but not lonely, not happy and not sad, not at peace but not in turmoil.
So that is where I am, 8 and a half months out.
This ceremony gave me so much peace. I have to say, since he has been gone when I thought of him I could only see the ALS man in my mind's eye. I was very sad about that as I had 24 good years before ALS but the 9 bad ones seemed to have overwhelmed all the happy memories in my mind. But as soon as I got off the plane, I started to have such strong thoughts and memories of him. he and I had taken many happy trips up to Maine and everywhere I looked I could remember some happy time or funny story. I spent the entire 4 days weeping happily as the good things flooded in and washed away the bad images of him. now in my mind's eye is my beautiful young husband, standing on the beach in Maine laughing and smiling at me. I could so feel him there!!!
I think on one hand this has started a new round of grieving--not hot and raw grief, but a deep and final type of grief. way down in my soul--he is really gone and I am really alone without him ever again--grief. on the other hand, I feel motivation for the first time since he died. I signed up for a real estate class (gonna go back to work finally) and a conversational Italian class (going to Italy with my daughter in October). Started sorting my stuff and getting rid of things in preparation for selling my house whereas before the trip I could not get motivated to do any of those things. And I haven't taken any naps--I was sleeping all night and then taking a 3 hour nap every afternoon, before my trip. I can't say that I feel peace, but I can see that it will be possible someday. I hope at least it will be. I am realizing that the giddy weird happiness that I felt for the first few months was just a reaction to the stress of his illness and death. I feel alone but not lonely, not happy and not sad, not at peace but not in turmoil.
So that is where I am, 8 and a half months out.
