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Buckhorn

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So, this is my first post here since Dave died. It is now 3 weeks since his death. We had a beautiful memorial service / "celebration of life". I know Dave would have been mortified at what a fuss I made. I just wanted to celebrate the life of the man I loved so much. Funerals & memorial services are for the living and I guess I was kind of paying tribute not only to his life, but ours as a couple. We were married 37 years and together for 39. I am truly grateful for all the time together.

I am strangely calm & almost at peace. I'm sure that the full measure of loneliness has not fully hit. The weeks have been filled with much paperwork, visits to financial planners, benefits office, multiple trips to the bank, etc. I have been too busy during the day to allow myself time to think about "it". I miss Dave very much, but I am so glad The Beast does not have it's grasp on him any longer. The thing is with ALS there is so much mourning along the way from diagnosis to each heart-breaking loss that death seemed to be a release. I hope that does not sound cold. I didn't cry for almost 2 years - couldn't. The night Dave died and the next were terribly rough. Each day since has seemed like I'm kind of walking around in a fog.

Right now I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I hope to return to my PRN job soon; I need the distraction.
 

affected

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Much love and peace to you - just do what ya gotta do. Good to see you.
 

Narrowminded

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Holding you tight Buckhorn. Give yourself time. I don’t have other advice than that, since my turn has not yet come. However, I can send huge hugs and you have those for sure.

Hugs
 

Atsugi

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Buckhorn : wise.


Dave : loved.


We should all be so blessed.


BH, days and nights will be up and down, but eventually the trend smooths out and we find ourselves on a more or less consistently trend up into happiness and even fulfillment.
 

KatieNBoyd

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Buckhorn, Big hugs.

Those of us in this group completely understand. One foot in front of the other is the best way to do this walk. Peace is good.
Katie
 

Jrzygrl

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Been thinking of you Buckhorn. I am so glad to hear the memorial was beautiful.

Hugs!
 

lgelb

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Katie! How are you?
 

soonerwife

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Totally understand the fog, the grieving we do for years, the relief feeling... hugs Buckhorn! Not cold, completely normal I think. I felt the same way. It almost seemed wrong!
 

NothingButLove

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Wow... I felt the same way the moment after my wife died. It was the strangest thing. I'm a cry-er. I got super emotional over everything during the whole ALS journey. During that last 10 days when my wife was doing the VSED thing, I was just insane. I thought the actually ending would be unbearable. However, when she passed, I just felt this release. I felt calm and was thinking clearly. As Sooner said, it seemed wrong. I literally walked into our living room, sat down and asked myself if I felt sad. I did not. I asked myself if I felt guilty for not feeling sad. I did not. So, I had to settle for feeling guilty about not feeling guilty about not being sad.

I think you're right Buckhorn. We do a ton of mourning along the way. I asked a friend about this and he compared it to pulling off a Band-aid. If you do it quick, there's a sudden shock and it hurts really bad. This might be like if your spouse died suddenly in a car crash. If you pull it off slow, you feel relief when it's over.

The first two weeks, I felt alright. In the first week, I had to plan the funeral and was very busy. The next week I was closing accounts, returning equipment, etc. The third week I began to slow down and started thinking. Thinking is bad. I began re-living those last 10 days over and over. I started to get real depressed and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I think returning to work would be an excellent idea. You do need a distraction to get your mind off of bad thoughts.

Take care and don't think too much!

Rob
 

Buckhorn

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Just a thought or two to keep my own thread open.

1). I am doing o.k., only because I try to keep my thoughts focused on the good memories and try to be thankful for almost 40 years spent with the man I loved.

2). I was sitting alone at a local Italian restaurant, eating my meal, but also enjoying all of the animated sounds of young people at the bar - being happy, lively, excited ....... open to each new adventure, thinking that their lives were going to be forever good. I truly do not envy them, and I wish them happiness & good health. But, we once sat in those very same chairs!

3). I find I am getting more than a bit intolerant of any petty conversations around me about trivial "hardships".

4). I feel numb. My therapist says I am doing well ...... so much so that she questioned whether I need to schedule another appt. I guess that is good. But I've always been considered very dependable/reliable/tough ... a survivor. IDK if I even know how to be totally open with the therapist.
 

Narrowminded

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Buckhorn So glad you checked in. Happy to hear you can focus on the good times.

Hugs
 

Jrzygrl

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Ditto what Sue said Buckhorn. Good to hear from you.
 

soonerwife

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Buckhorn, you could have been describing me...

Numb is a good description of how I feel. I was walking out of a store today and I thought, this isn't living... It honestly would be fine with me if I passed away today.


Losing the love of my life is the hardest thing I have gone through thus far... I thought ALS and FTD were the hardest but the hole in my heart fills as big as the grand canyon.


Hugs my friend!
 

scaredwifetx

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Buckhorn, I am a little late with my condolences. I was bet sad checking in and seeing your post. I am so very sorry. Praying for your peace and comfort. Hugs!
 

Buckhorn

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Sooner, I just feel so strange. I walk around in stores like a zombie, taking way more time than usual to make decisions, etc. I have cooked very little in the past month. It is difficult to round up the ambition for slicing/dicing/mixing a meal for one. I have been existing off of salad bars, rotisserie chickens, frozen meals and eating out. I just don't see the point in cooking for one, and I have limited freezer space to store excess. I've returned to my previous PRN job of 1/2 days. That is a very good thing, as it requires that I maintain a better scehdule and get my butt up in the morning. I seem to be totally functional at work, so no problems there.

Along with the numbness I feel guilt. Because I am moving on with my life. I tell myself that I was a very good care-giver to Dave, but I am also glad that I am alive. I went thru almost 3 years of anxiety and yes, mourning ....... I am sure I mourned from the diagnosis until the day of Dave's death. On the other hand, I think in some strange inter-workings of my mind & attempts to keep sane that I buried the "real" Dave long ago. I have no other way to understand why I'm not crying my eyes out all the time & why I am so functional. I keep waiting for "it" to hit me. I do feel a huge void, like you describe. Small things bother me intensely .... like seeing birthday cards at WalMart and knowing I will never again purchase one for Dave & vice-versa, or seeing his favorite candy bar when I'm at the checkout. I don't break down and lose it, but there is no way to shield myself from noticing these things and feeling the void.

However, I am moving forward with my life. I am allowing myself to find joy. I got a new "fur baby" about 5 weeks ago; an extremely loving, energetic and funny kitten. He is beautiful, he comforts me, and I am so happy to have him in my life. I am going away to the MD shore next week and having friends join me at the condo. I had made plans for Dave & I to go long ago. I thought about canceling the reservation but I am going to go and make the most of it. I am glad I will have friends joining me. I feel like I keep proding myself to just-keep-moving, one foot in front of the other, until my new normal becomes routine. Dave was the love of my life & we had 39 great years together, something I am very grateful for. But, after spending almost 4 decades with someone, making them the center of my universe and spending almost no time apart, I now have to discover "me" again instead of "us". Dave made me feel whole. I now have to learn to feel whole and discover who I am again.
 
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