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Barbie

Extremely helpful member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
2,681
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2007
Country
US
State
FL
City
orlando
I am so Cheesed at my "kids"!

I have 3 living at home, in their late teens/early twenties. free room and board and lots of perks and few chores. They help with dad, but really not very much in the big picture. So I decided that I was going to do Yoga one nite a week (1.5 hours only) but I needed help with dad. They all said they would help, after some eye rolling. I asked that each kid take one week--so every 3 weeks they would have to give up a couple of hours to feed their dad and help him in and out of bed for a nap and just pay attention to him.

So Last nite, I get home at 8 and husband is fit to be tied--internet had been out all day, and when kids came home no one would help him get it fixed, and no one but him down for a nap and then the kid who was in charge of dinner didn't get home until 6:30. He is mad and yelling at me because I didn't answer my phone (uh, I was in YOGA) and no one would help him. One kid was n't even home yet, one who normally gives him naps was "too tired" to deal with him, so had gone to his room at 3 pm and didn't come down until 9 pm., and the other had come home at 6:30, fed him dinner and not cleaned the kitchen and gone up to her room.

Really?!:-x

I work my ### off, 24/7 . I have a job, I take care of the house, I pay the bills, I care for their dad. They know all this, they say they care and want me to have a little time for me, but they are just giving it lip service. they are not willing to really do anything with out complete prodding from me. Then they get mad at me for blowing up, but I have talked until I am blue in the face. it doesn't change a thing if I do blow up--except that I am disgusted by them.

I got home, I got yelled at by him, I cleaned the kitchen, then I had to jump in the car and drive into town to get a part for his computer so it would work today, got home and helped him in the bathroom. needless to say, I was not very "ZEN" after all that.

Dammit! I just wish they could understand how selfish they behave and how they hurt their dad and make him feel like a burden.

just venting...
 
Vent away girlfriend.... you deserve a good ranting. I am so sorry. I too have a son who is still at home in his 20,s and not working. I can't complain though he does help.

You should be able to have a little time to yourself. Maybe you shouldn't cook for them or do their laundry or anything for a while and see how they like it. I don't know hon, I hope they see the light and help their dad before it is too late.
 
I felt bad when my dad was still living at his home. He hardly let me do a darn thing for him. The only think he'd let me do basically if getting him a drink or bring his medicine to him. He would get really mad if I offered to do the least little thing for him. Very rarely would he even run a errand for him. He has always treated me like I'm a baby and I'm 47. He thinks he has to take care of me even now he's in Texas. The other day he was telling me that my oldest son was due for a haircut when he hasn't even seen him. He must keep a calender. Lol
 
Barbie,

I feel so bad for you! You get the brunt of it, all the time, from all directions.

Time for a family meeting? A calm discussion, if possible. Although, I'd be telling at the lot of them.

I think you do everything so well, you make it look easy. The kids don't get it, cuz they don't have to get it. You're always there to pick up the pieces. No matter what. That's what moms do. ... Until they go out on strike!

How about a strike as it concerns the kids? Or a bill for their room and board?
 
I'm so sorry to hear this, Barbie. I think I would be tempted to tell them how utterly ashamed I was of them for their lack of character and lack of love for their dad and for you. I very much hope things improve for you. You are the very definition of a faithful and loving wife and caregiver - an shining example to all - especially your kids. I predict that someday they will be utterly ashamed of themselves and wish they could do it over, which of course, they won't be able to. That will lead to a lifetime of deep regret. I hope they change their attitude while there is still time for them to do it right.

I wish you an abundance of grace, peace, and strength to carry on.
 
That is one big advantage of having been raised on a farm and raising all our kids on a farm.

The motto is as long as you are under this roof you WILL pull your weight.

Most of my neighbors lived by that same motto.
 
I understand..ifi have 3 sons in there 20s who dont help either..they have all moved out but could come home and help..its been just me all along..i run a private daycare in my home and if i want to keep my house i have no choice but to work as my pals has no long term disability..i try not to get resentful but im friggen tired!
 
My answer when mine would pull crap like that... suddenly the Bank of Mom had a broken ATM, and the manager of said bank did NOTHING for those in question.. laundry, cooking etc. Seriously I know how hard it is but it might be time to start withholding priveleges, etc
 
Barbie maybe threaten to boot there butts out would help..sad they don't help no more than that.
 
so sorry Barbie!

there is something about kids sometimes, no matter their age.

I've noticed a huge difference with my PALS kids, from before he got this disease. As bowser said, I raised my kids on a farm and they all had lots of chores, some were for their pocket money but most were because that's how life is and we all do our share.

His kids never really had to do anything and I noticed such a difference in them to mine. But I never say anything, they are all adults and none live with us.

They came over recently for a Sunday lunch. One had a shocking cold but brought overnight bags and stayed the night anyway. They all sat and let him cook on the BBQ, let us serve them, ate heartily, let me wash up and then left. Glad they had a nice time!

But Barbie, something has to change there for you!

I do think that they have it too easy, and I know sometimes it seems easier to just get on and clean up, fix up and shut up, but they are only learning that they don't have to do anything, and having mum yell at them isn't much price to pay. You have to find the price that will affect them and cause a change.

Rant to us though of course, I really feel for you, such a princess warrior!
 
I'm sure if they were 3 or 4 year olds you wouldn't let them get away with bad /indifferent behavior.

Why do you tolerate it now ?

They may be taking your "tolerating" as acceptance.
 
We have a 9 and a 2 yr old, and I can't turn my back without the 2 yr old "Helping" Usually by moving the Hoyer across the room, flattening the bed spread, or straightening her fingers for her. Most of the time his help just causes more work, but its so sweet and so worth it. The nine yr old isn't really in a position to help much with mom, except occasionally helping her eat, but the main help she adds is sidelining the boy, Keeping him occupied so he doesn't feel the urge to climb into every after toilet care that he may not be invited to.
 
Barbie, any time you say, our 31-year-old son, who now lives with us to help take care of his dad, will call your kids and explain to them what "missed opportunity" means.
It sounds like they are going through late teen/20-something selfishness, and parents don't really make a dent in that. If you can't make a peer connection (any similarly-aged kids in your community doing caregiving?), then, yeah, I would say, the kitchen and free rent office are closed for the duration. Tell them you need their rooms for real caregivers and paying boarders, since you have to work to make ends meet and as your husband progresses, that will not be optimal. Invite them to come up with any better solution, and give them a move-out deadline.
I don't really expect you to do that...but can you tell them that their neglect makes you you want to, and why? Might shake them up a bit.
Oh, and try not yelling, if possible. Quietly hand them written summaries of the household budget, etc. Tell them very simply that things cannot stay as they are.
 
Usually, when someone is taken advantage of by grown children, it is because the victim is a WILLING participant.

I'm sorry to come across as gruff, but I just can't believe the posters who seem to be saying you have to walk on eggshells and be very careful that you don't offend the freeloaders.

My wife and I moved 900 miles away in retirement when the wife's ALS got worse fast.
Yet, most of the kids have made 4-5 trips down in the last year and a half at a great sacrifice and call often.

Seems a strict upbringing did NOT turn them into ignoring their mother.
 
SO sorry for you're situation Barbie, you work hard and are run ragged, something has to give! I'm sure your kids will regret not being more help as we all know we won't have this time over again :( think you have to withdraw ALL you do for them and they may think again, I sincerely hope so, please look after yourself, Anne
 
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