Second guessing myself

[codyclan]

So here's the lowdown. Last year my husband bought me airline tickets to see a dear friend of mine who has a home in Ireland and will be there on July 12. He was independently able to transfer at the time he bought the tickets. By April of this year, it was clear that he would need more assistance than our two daughters would be able to provide. I said I shouldn't go on the trip. He spoke with our home health aid, his sister and our two adult daughters, without my knowledge, and made all the plans for respite while I would be gone.

Fast forward to this month. He had a feeding tube inserted two weeks ago and spent several days in the hospital as he had difficulty adjusting to the feeding and formula. He is on feeding pump, is home and is doing better with regard to nutrition. However, several days in the hospital did a number on his strength and he is now using the bi-pap for about 16 hours a day (on and off during the day and all night). I have travel insurance and am feeling terrible about going on the trip. Both our daughters (ages 22 and 24), and his sister have said that I should go. More importantly, he wants me to go. He has always prided himself on being able to travel with his family. It is difficult for him to travel, but he still wants us to be able to travel and has said so repeatedly.

Someone will be in the home at all times and I would be gone a week. I vacillate about leaving because I don't know if I can relax being so far from home. He actually seems hurt that I would consider not going. But on the other hand, if something were to happen if I am out of the country--how would I live with myself?

I am just looking for some objective thoughts.

Tracy

 

[Nuts]

Tracy, I understand your concern, but I'd advise you to go. Traveling away from him will only get harder, and clearly it's important to HIM that you go.

My husband announced early on in his progression that he would stick around only so long as I promised to get away one day a week and two weeks a year. We have the resources and family to allow that, so the hard part was me getting over my worry and guilt. No, I haven't left the country, but let's face it, if something happens and you are not there, it won't make much difference how far away you are. It's a risk, but it sounds as if you going is as important to him as it is for you.

Becky

 

[ShiftKicker]

I think you are outnumbered and you should go. I am sure his guilt at being responsible for you not going and having fun would be difficult for him. If you choose not to go, you would come across as second guessing or dismissing his thoughts and self assessment. He independently made arrangements to make sure you could go, so it's really important to your PALS that you go. While your guilt and sense of responsibility must feel overwhelming, it sounds like it's all under control (as much as anything can be!).

Please consider going, regardless of your doubts. You are, at most, half a day away from home, and are at the other end of the phone and the internet. Should things change, even quite quickly, you are immediately available by phone and can come home quite quickly.

I am sorry you are facing such a dilemma.

(edited to add)

Apologies for "shoulding" on you. While I doubt I can touch on how incredibly difficult this must feel for you, I empathize. The fear of something happening, the fear of losing time with your PAL, and the fear of not being able to affect his care while you're away must be absolutely overwhelming. I am also, however, viewing it from your PAL's pov. It really sounds like he's put a lot of thought and planning into making sure you are free to go.

 

[KimT]

I say, with 100% confidence, you should go! It will be good for both of you. He will be fine and it sounds like he will be so happy that you are getting to go.

 

[affected]

GO!

OK something could happen while you are gone and you would have to deal with that.

But if you don't go, you have to look him in the eye every day and see his hurt that you did not honour his wishes.

I know you will worry, but see it as giving him a gift by going xx

 

[codyclan]

Thank you for the feedback. Tillie and shiftkicker-- I hadn't really thought about the fact that not going would be disrespecting him and his wishes. He has always been very thoughtful and cognizant of everyone else's needs. He truly worries about the time and effort I spend in caring for him and is always after me to take some time to myself.

I spoke to his sister tonight, who was here last week when he was in the hospital. It was a different perspective, in that she said she was truly honored that he asked her to help care for him and she was grateful that she was able to give back to him. He helped her through an extremely difficult divorce several years ago--so I started thinking maybe I should think about this trip allowing her to give back to him as well. Still feeling selfish, but feeling a little better about going......

 

[Atsugi]

GO! The first 2 days, you'll regret it. But, the next few days, you'll be glad you did. Give the man what he wants.

Just my humble opinion, of course.

 

[codyclan]

Thanks, Mike. I do need to respect what he wants and he has clearly gone through a lot of effort to make sure I feel comfortable leaving him. Our daughter told me tonight he doesn't feel like he can do much for us anymore, but he is glad that he is able to send me on this wonderful trip......

I just need to force myself to get on that plane.......

 

[lgelb]

Tracy,
When he made the respite plans in April, he was expressing a clear wish. Being on BiPAP (as long as someone who'll be around understands the machine, and I am on line as a backup, every day) and a feeding tube (likewise, and many here know a great deal about tubes, and you have your home health people) doesn't change that wish for him, I know.

You will feel terrible getting on the plane, it's true. But you will feel worse if you don't. And you will have a great time once you are there. He will love hearing your voice while you are there, seeing your photos and hearing about your adventures. He will be proud that you were able to go, because it will be something that he has done for you. And if his life ended while you were gone, he would still have that great happiness.

Best,
Laurie

 

[affected]

I think you will be giving everyone a gift.

The time your daughter and sister will have with him will be priceless.

I'm loving this thread!

 

[soonerwife]

I too think you should go! It will be a gift for your daughters and his sister. Precious time they get to spend with him... Go and enjoy!

 

[Ells]

Tracy, from a PALS's pov:

I LOVE when my husband gets to go away w/ our 2 kids. He does so much for me; it's about the only way I can give back to him and it gives me enormous pleasure to give him a break. Don't take that away from him please.

Go and enjoy!

Ells.

 

[starente15]

You should GO! It's his wish for you and will make him happy. I love that he thinks of you and your needs while he's dealing with so much.

Take lots of pictures, Facetime every day and share the visit with him. I know you will wish he was there, but he will be in your heart.

 

[ShiftKicker]

It's looking pretty unanimous. You've got a cheering section here!

 

[codyclan]

Thanks, everyone! I am feeling a bit better about the trip. I will post pics--after I get on that plane

Tracy