Scared with young children

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myooshka

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I find myself often crying, sad for my baby, sad for the mother I never got to be. I had always had this image of the busy mom, the pta mom. We are all scared for our childrens future because we are not sure of what our own future's hold but we all still have today with our children. I tell myself no one knows what tomrrow will bring, we coulg get hit crossing the road. Thank god for our children, they are our source of joy when it feels as if things are bleak. They allow us to smile and laugh on days when if it weren't for them we probably would'nt. We all just assumed we would probably have a lifetime with our children and then we are faced with the possibility of our dreams not coming true. Somedays at the rate I am going down hill I fear my son will never be old enough to know me. My husband at first thought it was silly but now that he sees how sick I am has helped me purchase items I want for my son to have and I have been making sure to have plenty of pictures so my son has memories. Some may think this is jumping the gun but I know my body and I am in big trouble. I just thought I'd start a thread for people that have children so we can share our fears and our joys with our children. We must delight in their every smile, every cuddle, every giggle. In a perfect world our whole family would be healthy, but we have to count our blessings that we have healthy children because we all know if we had a sick child we would wish it was us instead of them. I just thank god for my son he keeps me fighting and laughing everyday!
 

CindyM

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Well said, myooshka! Nobody is guaranteed a long life. You can always come here when the sadness and loss get to you. Cindy
 

mamaoftwo

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Mya
This is what I try to do every day. I too am busying myself with creating scrapbooks for them. I have even started to write a 'book' for my little girls with all the life lessons in it that i would have wanted to share with them if God had allowed me the time. I don't feel any of this is jumping the gun and nor should you.
If God decides to spare us then our kids will just have the most comprenhensive scrapbooks and photo albums, parental advice of any kid! And if we don't come through this, then we have left something for them to help them remember. Ours are very very young and I worry too that they might not even know who I was.
I was talking to a friend last night whose father died when she was 14yrs old. She said that she doesnt really feel she knew him at all. She has memories of things they did and places they went but no real sense of who he was. That made me feel very sad. What I would give to know I would be around for my girls until they reached 5 or 6yrs old far less 14!
But we also have to hope that in the event we arent around to raise them, that our families will work hard to keep our memory alive (not so easy when the inevitable wife #2 comes along!)
Meantime, as I tell myself every morning - leave the sadness behind, bolt on a big smile and show your baby how much you love him. That is all we can do as we navigate this tough time.
 

Icanmanz

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mamaoftwo said:
Mya
This is what I try to do every day. I too am busying myself with creating scrapbooks for them. I have even started to write a 'book' for my little girls with all the life lessons in it that i would have wanted to share with them if God had allowed me the time. I don't feel any of this is jumping the gun and nor should you.
If God decides to spare us then our kids will just have the most comprenhensive scrapbooks and photo albums, parental advice of any kid! And if we don't come through this, then we have left something for them to help them remember. Ours are very very young and I worry too that they might not even know who I was.
I was talking to a friend last night whose father died when she was 14yrs old. She said that she doesnt really feel she knew him at all. She has memories of things they did and places they went but no real sense of who he was. That made me feel very sad. What I would give to know I would be around for my girls until they reached 5 or 6yrs old far less 14!
But we also have to hope that in the event we arent around to raise them, that our families will work hard to keep our memory alive (not so easy when the inevitable wife #2 comes along!)
Meantime, as I tell myself every morning - leave the sadness behind, bolt on a big smile and show your baby how much you love him. That is all we can do as we navigate this tough time.

mama and myo, God bless you both, and may He guide you ladies into doing the right thing, such as gettiing your pictures together, keep a journal, write a lot of love notes to your children as you go along every day, as if you were talking to them (as they will be reading these love notes later.) You could be doing this on a daily basis, jot down your thoughts . I am sure your children will know they had a loving mom. I read the part where mom mentioned (mom #2) These are the ones that change everything, especially if they are self centered. The best thing you can do is leave all the memoirs with a close relative, other than your husband or wife. I hate to put it this way, but a husband or a wife will more than likely move on with their lives, and meet someone else, and there goes all your memories. Leave them with a relative that you can really trust, and you know that will keep that promise. It is just so hard, so out of reach. May God bless you both, and all the Pals!

xoxoxo,
Irma
 

mamaoftwo

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Irma - I tried to talk to my husband about that. He was utterly offended that I would think that he would allow anyone to dispose of photos, journals , personal items etc. But I know how life goes, we all do. I have seen it before. I have a friend who married someone whose wife had died and I know that the first wife has pretty much been cleared out of their home. Of course, her husband still loves his first wife in his own way but he has a new wife now, a new life and another child. It is not that my friend is selfish or mean in any way. She just doesnt want her marriage to be haunted by the memory of wife #1. And who would?
I plan to leave everything with my sister. I know she will make sure that no matter what happens in my husband's life, my children will know something about me. And I pray that in private moments with his kids, my husband will tell them all he can about me. He is a good man and I know he will do his best but I also know how controlling women can be.
What about your grandson Irma - you said your son moved in with you because your Daughter in law couldnt cope. But are you still able to have time with your grandson. It's people like you that will keep your son's memory alive for him even if your son's wife eventually moves on and meets someone else.
 

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Ladies,

Do not even feel bad about doing any of this, and if your hubby has something to say about you doing this in fear of God calling you early....what you tell them is:

It's kinda like having your act together right....like having great disability and life insurance......to the normal health person....it really doesnt matter right....I mean...you don't need it until you need it......and when it comes time...if you don't have it...its too late and....well..shame on you.....so....take all the pictures you can....write all the journals you can...and when GOD calls you, wether it's 20, 40, 60, 80 or 100....your kids will have a much greater piece of you than before....

good day to all

rgds,

jamie
 

Icanmanz

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mamaoftwo said:
Irma - I tried to talk to my husband about that. He was utterly offended that I would think that he would allow anyone to dispose of photos, journals , personal items etc. But I know how life goes, we all do. I have seen it before. I have a friend who married someone whose wife had died and I know that the first wife has pretty much been cleared out of their home. Of course, her husband still loves his first wife in his own way but he has a new wife now, a new life and another child. It is not that my friend is selfish or mean in any way. She just doesnt want her marriage to be haunted by the memory of wife #1. And who would?
I plan to leave everything with my sister. I know she will make sure that no matter what happens in my husband's life, my children will know something about me. And I pray that in private moments with his kids, my husband will tell them all he can about me. He is a good man and I know he will do his best but I also know how controlling women can be.
What about your grandson Irma - you said your son moved in with you because your Daughter in law couldnt cope. But are you still able to have time with your grandson. It's people like you that will keep your son's memory alive for him even if your son's wife eventually moves on and meets someone else.

mama, wow! How am I going to answer this? LOL! My daughter in law, well, well, well, let's see! The last time I heard from my daughter in law was June 10, 2007. She changed her phone number, moved on with her life. What can I say? I have not seen my grandson either, as you know, she is the parent now. I am focusing on my son's memory. He is the one that matters. He may not be here physically, but to me he is spiritually. He has a daughter by a prevvy, she is 18 yrs, a very beautiful girl, looks just like him. She comes around all the time. She is all I have left of him. I am not calling Judy, that is her name, why should I? Like I told my other son right now the only thing that matters to me right now is my son's memory. I am way too busy for silly games. Like Jamie said 'God never sleeps!" He is so right. Unfortunately sweetheart that is what is taking place right now, but I am not losing any sleep because I still got my Cecilia, the 18 yr old. Am I being a bad person?

Irma
 

mamaoftwo

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Gracious no Irma, that doesn't make you a bad person. I think you are just doing what anyone would do - it's called self preservation. This is a hard time for you and will be for a long time. You don't need any more pain than you already have but while you dont have a good relationship with Judy, why don't you consider doing what Mya and I are doing. Create some kind of book/journal about your son for his son to have in the future. Of course, she is the parent now and she can make the decisions but ultimately, your grandson is going to have questions about his father and he deserves to have that information.
You may not be able to give anything to him now but if you make something for him now that he and Cecilia can share in the future, it will mean the world to them. And it may even help you with your grieving process to put together something that celebrates the life of the son you cherished so dearly.
 

Icanmanz

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mamaoftwo said:
Gracious no Irma, that doesn't make you a bad person. I think you are just doing what anyone would do - it's called self preservation. This is a hard time for you and will be for a long time. You don't need any more pain than you already have but while you dont have a good relationship with Judy, why don't you consider doing what Mya and I are doing. Create some kind of book/journal about your son for his son to have in the future. Of course, she is the parent now and she can make the decisions but ultimately, your grandson is going to have questions about his father and he deserves to have that information.
You may not be able to give anything to him now but if you make something for him now that he and Cecilia can share in the future, it will mean the world to them. And it may even help you with your grieving process to put together something that celebrates the life of the son you cherished so dearly.


Oh yes, you bet I am keeping my son's memory alive. I already have gotten all of his pictures together. I have 2 big albums full of my son's pictures, and several frames. I have his birth/death certificate, his report cards, baptismal, first communion, you name it, I have it all. In other words, my son is still here! LOL! Really, I am not trying to be funny. I have written a lot of good things about him. I have turned the bedroom he used to stay in into a shrine. You would not believe it, and guess what? I have moved into that bedroom, it is my bedroom now. My actual bedroom is empty, it is a guest room now. Yes my son is gone, but I feel as if he is still here. Yes mama, I will be praying for you and myo. This forum is full of wonderful people, the only time when it saddens me is when someone passes, it tears at me. You take care, and keep us posted! This forum is good for anyone's mind!

Irma
 

myooshka

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What worries me is I don't have anyone to keep my memories alive at the time I got ill I lost my 54 year old mom, 10 months before that my dad died. It is sad but because of my illness I have lost my sister because she was going around telling people this was all in my head and I am too ill to stand for it. I know life will go on for my husband and my son and I want them to have another woman in their lives. I really trust my husband to hold my memory, I really do. He knows I am very ill. We were in Amsterdam last spring and there was this statue of a little old man and woman holding hands and I said that will be us, we took a picture, he wants to get this tatooed on his arm and he wants to have a picture of me tatooed over his heart, a picture so Jacob will know how much he loves me and so that our son will know me. He wants to do this now, not after if I did die. It's so sweet but I asked him if one day when he does remarry that his new wife may find it creepy looking at me. He says he doesn't care no one will compare to me and I was supposed to be his wife forever. We just had our four year anniversery and are inseperable, we fished together,went quading together, did everything together, we are each others best friends, I am so sad for my family. They are my everything. But I really trust my husband to hold my memory.
 

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My daughter is starting to talk up a storm and I love what she has to say. Talk to your children all the time, make them laugh, drink in their smiles. My dad was taken from me to early- and the best memories I have are of traditions. Write down family traditions and why they came about. Celebrate every holiday. Go to every service that you can and thank G-d for the miracles of your life- your husband, your children, your dog. I dont know if I will grow old like my grandfather, but I know that I want to impart some of his wisdom.

He has 2 great sayings "Guests are like fish- they start to stink after three days" and "you can get through anything with G-d on your side!"
 

mamaoftwo

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Hi pldo - I'm guessing your daughter is around 18mths or so if she is starting to do all this talking. Sorry but I don't know your history - are you awaiting diagnosis or have you already been diagnosed? I just wonder how anyone really copes with this. I think its clear that all of us with young kids are doing the best we can but its just so painful to think of leaving them.
They need their mommy and daddy when they are so little and it's just not fair that they should have to endure loss at this tender age.
 

pldo

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My daughter is 8 months old and the light of my life. She and every chold need their mommy and daddy. I still feel like I need my dad, and he died 6 years ago (I am 29). I am not diagnosed with anything but have many of the symptoms and it is being written off as anxiety. I hope that it works out for everyone, especially the ones with families that need them
 

ltr

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Irma - have you given any thought to utilizing your grandparent rights? Grandparents have legal rights to visitation of their grandchildren. In NY it is one weekend a month. You don't want to lose touch with your grandson...especially to keep your son's memory alive. Just a thought!
 
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