Reason to live?

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Atsugi

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Sorry folks, but I just don't see much to live for once the kids are gone. Why maintain a house--who's it to look nice for? Why go out to eat or a movie--there's no one to enjoy it with.

I once looked forward to something, but I don't see that now. Without a partner...

Right now I have the kids, but eventually, it'll just be me staring at the wall.

Anyone else found any reason to live after your PALS is gone?
 

Miss

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I know what you are feeling. My youngest is going to be a senior in high school, so I just have one year left. After that, what's the point? Do I live for holidays when they come home? What do I do in the evening - every evening? Will I be content to merely exist? Hopefully, I will find some purpose. It is hard now that I am not the most important person in anyone's life. It's lonely, and scary, and isolating.
 

Jason's Dream

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Even with my children so little, I feel the same way... I keep making plans for our future.... put William in preschool, going back to finish my degree..... but all of it.. is without him.. and I want no part of it. :(

I don't live... living equals dreams, hopes, goals... enjoying the little things...... I merely exist.... I feel bad for my children at times, because I feel in some ways they lost two parents the day Jason died. I meet thier physical needs and all... but the carefree side of me, the "had soo many goals and dreams for them, wanted to do this and that with them"..... I'm just not there. :(

*hugs*

~ Becca
 

Toto's Dorothy

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Atsugi,

This is a hard one to answer. I have written so many different reasons. I just don't quite know how to put it in words.

Your lost your best friend, the love of your life, the mother of your children. I can't imagine your heartache. Mine is hurting just knowing the pain you are in. I'm not going to tell you to go to counseling or a support group for help. And I don't really care if others don't agree. I don't think that is the answer you want, anyway. I believe there is something in that beautiful heart of yours that has been put away. And you, and only you, with Chrissy' love and guidance will unlock it and the answers will be known to you.

As for your 2 kids, you are mom and dad. At times there may be struggles, raising teens today is the pits, but I truly believe they will never be that far away. Who's going to be the one with the shotgun behind the front door when they first start dating? Who's going to help them decide college/work choices? Who's going to be there when they want you to meet*****? Who's going to be their at the wedding (with empty pockets)? And where are you going to be when they call to tell you you're going to be a grandpa? Its not all sunshine, believe me. My children range from 32 down to 12. We all have ups and downs, sometimes more downs than ups. But I believe they will always need you in their lives.

I will be praying for you and your children. I have said this 100 times over, you CALS have it the hardest.

Sending prayers,

Toto

PS I wasn't too pleased with this one either. Please remember, you never get over your first love, your heart must make room for whomever crosses your new paths. (Your time.)
 

Toto's Dorothy

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Becca and Missy,

It took me 90 minutes to type my post and I missed yours. This was supposed to be for the three of you, but unfortunately modern technology is causing me problems tonight. I do apologize and will try to post later.

I love you my CALS,

Toto
 
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HelenL

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Toto, you said it all so beautifully I wouldn't change a thing. I also think that the CALS have it worse than we do, they're the ones left holding it all together.

Though the love of your lives may be gone from this realm, that doesn't mean that "someday" you will find the other end of this rainbow, and you will realize that you're living again. So you exist right now for your responsibilities, and one day you'll live again. Perhaps with a new mate, perhaps not. My Mom met her soulmate at age 75 when she remarried after my father passed away... never ever gave it one thought that she'd remarry. And she's happier than ever. Her situation, like yours, is unique. I'm not saying that will or won't happen... but you'll find peace within yourself.

Sending you all a hug and wishing there was actually something I could do or say that would help. You guys are the real heros.
 

vlcare

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Atsugi: You obviously need a partner. But you won't find one hunkered down in the routines of daily-living-at-home.

Most of us who are caregivers for ALS spouses recognize the reality of life down the road long before it occurs. We dread the aloneness that lurks ahead. Because we recognize that just as it was with us and our parents, it will be the same with us and our children--it's not in the cards that we will "hang out" with each other. So what to do.

It might help to remember how it was in our 20's when life was before us. When we spent a good part of our time looking for that special person we wanted to hook up with. What were we looking for? Where did we look? What influenced our choices? It was hard work.

So my thought is this: (1) yes, there can be rewards in living, and (2) one needs to fish in the pond most likely to produce a good catch.

Atsugi, where have you been fishing?

VL
 

brooksea

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Mike, I'm sorry you are in such a funk. Sometimes I shudder at the thought of ending up like my mom, who is bitter and lonely by her own choice. My husband had tried to get me to promise him I would re-marry, but of course, I could make no such promise. I know Chrissy would have wanted you to find a purpose. She would not have wanted you to languish. You are still grieving. Give yourself time and a purpose will make itself known. (Now, I will try to take my own advice.)
 

cairn175

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Sorry for your pain. Wish I had some magix words to help but I don't. I think you cals are amazing, so much work you do & then knowing you will be alone. I do think it is hardest on the cals.
 

Atsugi

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What I've relearned from the dozens who responded to me from around the cloud:

Each day, remind yourself to live life as you and your loved one always knew you would.
Be open to finding new love.
Keep your mind and body challenged.
Travel, study, write, enjoy the world.
Help others less fortunate.
Teach.
Write memoirs for your grandchildren.

I'm back. Thanks, everyone.
 

Toto's Dorothy

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Atsugi,

I'm glad your back!

Pass the tissues please.
 

scotslassie

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Of course you have a reason to live. Look at your children. Their mother lives on in them, be there for them. They need you now, more than ever. Be strong and keep going forward. I wish you courage, strength, acceptance and love. I wish you well, God bless.
 

Pandora

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WOW, if it were only that simple for me. I did promise to live again, remarry, do everything I wanted. I cant keep that promise. I am in low place when it comes to romance department. I cant even see me with someone else... ever. I cringe at the thought of another man in my bed (forgive me for being so blunt) it makes me sick to my stomach. I get all jumpy when people are just too close to me. I don't want to go out, yet I don't want to stay in, I dont want to be alone all the time, but yet I cant relax in public, I don't want to be this way. I just miss him every moment, every day.
 

Atsugi

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Pandora, it sounds like you're emotionally stuck in the center of a vicious cycle.

When I see myself like that, I get outside help to come break the circle.

Good luck.
 
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