Realization

[ctollar]

What does it mean to realize something that has been sitting right in front of you?? I had a dream last night about my dad. I have dreamt about him in the past but not to this extent. In my dream we were doing all of the things that we used to do. However, at the end of the dream he fell. I couldn't get him up no matter how hard I tried and no one would help me. I remember thinking to myself, I need to save him. I woke up with a start and realized I couldn't save him no matter what I did or how hard I tried. I have spent 3 months since he died feeling guily because I couldn't save him. I knew logically that I couldn't but something in me needed to!!! After last night, strangely, I feel better. I know I did everything I could humanly do to help him and this disease knows no boundaries. Has anyone else had this sort of thing happen to them?

 

[wishmobbing]

Good to hear about a breakthrough in your sleep. :- )

 

[Atsugi]

The subconscious mind speaks to us in dreams. I listen to it.

 

[affected]

There can be a surprisingly huge difference between what we know in our heads and our hearts. I think that dream helped them come to the same place. I have had experiences like that before.

I hope you find a lot of peace in coming to this realisation xxxx

 

[ctollar]

Oh Tillie, me too. The pain and guilt over the last 3 months have been crippling. I woke up today almost like a new dawn had come through.... I truly think my dad came through and set me straight. He would hate to see me so sad.

 

[Jlynn]

I understand ctollar...I wish my brother would send me a sign and let me know that HE knows I did the very best I could given the situation. I researched and read whatever I could. I came here a lot. I question myself sometimes when I come here and read certain things now that should or should not be done with a PALS that I so wish I'd known before when he was here with me. Would he have lived longer if I had only known these things? Would he have been more comfortable?
I'm so happy for you that you had a dream that set things right for you. I really want that but so far nothing. I will continue to hope.

 

[soonerwife]

Jlynn, I am so hoping you get the sign you need. I am not your brother, but I can tell you that he was grateful for all you did for him. You did your best!!! That is all we can do. Your brother was lucky to have you! HUGS!

ctollar, I am so glad you had that dream. I do believe your dad was trying to tell you that you did take good care of him and you did your best as well. HUGS!

 

[lgelb]

C, I'm glad the dream helped you.

Oh, J, stop reading if you feel that way. You have nothing to regret. Your brother would want you to remember him as someone you helped live and die as best as possible with his disease. He would never want the care you gave to be a source of regret, but rather pride! Hold your head up high -- you made a difference that no one else could have, for him.

There are only so many hours and so much energy. If you see something here you might have done, it might have changed something else. There is no reason to believe that anything you didn't know materially affected your brother's quality or quantity of life. Believe me, I still hit rewind way too much. There's no future in it -- literally.

We all did our best and it was never perfect. Even if you combined all the best advice here, there is much that none of us can know as it is not yet evident and what is here is only a fraction of the love and care that PALS receive the world over. Our PALS loved us for what we did and wanted/tried to do, in equal measure.

Best,
Laurie

 

[ctollar]

Jlynn,
Give it time. Keep reminding yourself there is nothing more you could have done. I truly believe we spend too much time wondering what if (I know I did). This dream has brought me peace. I finally slept last night for the first time in 2 years. It will come, I promise!!

Hugs,
Char

 

[Jlynn]

I'm so happy for you Char. A good nights sleep can make a world of difference. You so deserve it!

Laurie, it's hard not to question myself at times but in my heart I know I did the best I could for Mike. On a down day I think about what I might have done differently. Reading along here now I realize there are some things I wish I'd known then that make me wonder If I could have done some things a bit differently but I could never stop coming here as I have grown an attachment to all of you awesome people. You all make me feel closer to Mike somehow. As time goes on and I heal I hope to be able to help others here feel a bit better as you have all done for me.
Soonerwife...thank you for your kind words especially given the fact that I know your navigating your "new normal". I think about you often and hope your getting along.

 

[Manhattanite]

I had a dream shortly after my PALS died that he was healthy and drinking a glass of water. In my dream I told him, "I knew it! I knew you would be cured and it happened!" I think it helped me to see him that way again.

That said, I have also had subsequent dreams of him being sick, or dreams where I can feel his presence but cannot see him.