Zaphoon
Extremely helpful member
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2008
- Messages
- 2,857
- Reason
- DX UMND/PLS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2011
- Country
- US
- State
- Missouri
- City
- Springfield
Intentionally Posted In The: Do I Have ALS? Is This ALS? Forum
(disclaimer - posted by PZ, a genuine nut job with a fantastic imagination)
Hello forum friends! We here at PZ Laboratories, Inc. are excited to announce our latest product, backed by our famous "satisfaction almost guaranteed or you might get your money back!"
PZ Laboratories, Inc. is proud to announce the arrival of "PZ's New (and Improved!) ALS Self-Diagnostic Kit"!
The kit comes complete with everything you will need to perform an examination on yourself plus a few nifty inventions of our own (not previously tested on humans and not recommended for mice... they all died).
We've included a standard do-it-yourself EMG kit with your choice of small, medium or large needles. Earl in R&D wanted to give you bragging rights to as painful an experience as you'd like. The neat thing about our needles is how easy they are to replace. No need to order them from a fancy medical supply place! We supply standard sewing needles you can find at WalMart.
Also included is a large reflex hammer (Okay, not a true reflex hammer but a standard 2lb'er you can also find at WalMart). The guys in our R&D department thought a larger hammer would be needed to guarantee a hyper reflex response when you self-test reflexes for upper motor neuron signs.
Speaking of upper motor neurons, Sid in R&D incuded our patented Babinski Response Evoker. This gem guarantees a Babinski response on the very first plantar stimulus. Please read the directions supplied in Arabic.
There is also a magnifying glass for self-examining the tongue. Even the slightest twitch will be magnified 3X's to aid in Bulbar diagnosis. You can also use this magnifier to examine any part of the body for twitches, spasms, color changes, etc...
You will find an ample supply of small vials for all of the blood work you will need to do plus instructions on how to perform each test for MS, Lupus, AIDS/HIV, Syphillis,
MG, and a whole host of other disease rule-outs. Please read the instructions provided in Hindi.
We were going to enclose a cup for urine collection (heavy metals rule-out) but Fred in R&D reminded us that every household already has a vast supply of cups in a kitchen cupboard. Thank you, Fred, for saving us time, space and money in the making of this kit!
Next, we've included a DIY Nerve Conduction Velocity study kit. Earl, in R&D came up with this baby! I've always enjoyed the use of a good 9volt battery and our device uses 5 of them (not included - Thanks Fred for saving the Lab time, space and money in the making of this kit!). Please read the instructions and sorry for having them in Chinese. Our legal guys recommended this; something about covering our rears.
Last but not least, every medical form we could think of to support a conclusion of ALS has been provided on compact disk. Fred in R&D is a tree hugger but once again proved to us going the CD route would save the company time, space and money. Thank you Fred! We've left no room for a negative diagnosis, providing you follow the directions provided in Cantonese.
Please be careful to take our almost accredited Neurology course included on CD#2. You can fill in your name on the printable diploma included at the end of the course. We were going to require a passing grade of 95 on the final exam but Sid suggested we might sell more kits if we only required a passing grade of 30 and just didn't tell anyone.
To order PZ's New (and Improved!) ALS Self-Diagnostic Kit today, please send as much money as possible (but not less than several thousand) in care of Forum Follies. I miss them...
(disclaimer - posted by PZ, a genuine nut job with a fantastic imagination)
Hello forum friends! We here at PZ Laboratories, Inc. are excited to announce our latest product, backed by our famous "satisfaction almost guaranteed or you might get your money back!"
PZ Laboratories, Inc. is proud to announce the arrival of "PZ's New (and Improved!) ALS Self-Diagnostic Kit"!
The kit comes complete with everything you will need to perform an examination on yourself plus a few nifty inventions of our own (not previously tested on humans and not recommended for mice... they all died).
We've included a standard do-it-yourself EMG kit with your choice of small, medium or large needles. Earl in R&D wanted to give you bragging rights to as painful an experience as you'd like. The neat thing about our needles is how easy they are to replace. No need to order them from a fancy medical supply place! We supply standard sewing needles you can find at WalMart.
Also included is a large reflex hammer (Okay, not a true reflex hammer but a standard 2lb'er you can also find at WalMart). The guys in our R&D department thought a larger hammer would be needed to guarantee a hyper reflex response when you self-test reflexes for upper motor neuron signs.
Speaking of upper motor neurons, Sid in R&D incuded our patented Babinski Response Evoker. This gem guarantees a Babinski response on the very first plantar stimulus. Please read the directions supplied in Arabic.
There is also a magnifying glass for self-examining the tongue. Even the slightest twitch will be magnified 3X's to aid in Bulbar diagnosis. You can also use this magnifier to examine any part of the body for twitches, spasms, color changes, etc...
You will find an ample supply of small vials for all of the blood work you will need to do plus instructions on how to perform each test for MS, Lupus, AIDS/HIV, Syphillis,
MG, and a whole host of other disease rule-outs. Please read the instructions provided in Hindi.
We were going to enclose a cup for urine collection (heavy metals rule-out) but Fred in R&D reminded us that every household already has a vast supply of cups in a kitchen cupboard. Thank you, Fred, for saving us time, space and money in the making of this kit!
Next, we've included a DIY Nerve Conduction Velocity study kit. Earl, in R&D came up with this baby! I've always enjoyed the use of a good 9volt battery and our device uses 5 of them (not included - Thanks Fred for saving the Lab time, space and money in the making of this kit!). Please read the instructions and sorry for having them in Chinese. Our legal guys recommended this; something about covering our rears.
Last but not least, every medical form we could think of to support a conclusion of ALS has been provided on compact disk. Fred in R&D is a tree hugger but once again proved to us going the CD route would save the company time, space and money. Thank you Fred! We've left no room for a negative diagnosis, providing you follow the directions provided in Cantonese.
Please be careful to take our almost accredited Neurology course included on CD#2. You can fill in your name on the printable diploma included at the end of the course. We were going to require a passing grade of 95 on the final exam but Sid suggested we might sell more kits if we only required a passing grade of 30 and just didn't tell anyone.
To order PZ's New (and Improved!) ALS Self-Diagnostic Kit today, please send as much money as possible (but not less than several thousand) in care of Forum Follies. I miss them...
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