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Zaphoon

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Intentionally Posted In The: Do I Have ALS? Is This ALS? Forum

(disclaimer - posted by PZ, a genuine nut job with a fantastic imagination)

Hello forum friends! We here at PZ Laboratories, Inc. are excited to announce our latest product, backed by our famous "satisfaction almost guaranteed or you might get your money back!"

PZ Laboratories, Inc. is proud to announce the arrival of "PZ's New (and Improved!) ALS Self-Diagnostic Kit"!

The kit comes complete with everything you will need to perform an examination on yourself plus a few nifty inventions of our own (not previously tested on humans and not recommended for mice... they all died).

We've included a standard do-it-yourself EMG kit with your choice of small, medium or large needles. Earl in R&D wanted to give you bragging rights to as painful an experience as you'd like. The neat thing about our needles is how easy they are to replace. No need to order them from a fancy medical supply place! We supply standard sewing needles you can find at WalMart.

Also included is a large reflex hammer (Okay, not a true reflex hammer but a standard 2lb'er you can also find at WalMart). The guys in our R&D department thought a larger hammer would be needed to guarantee a hyper reflex response when you self-test reflexes for upper motor neuron signs.

Speaking of upper motor neurons, Sid in R&D incuded our patented Babinski Response Evoker. This gem guarantees a Babinski response on the very first plantar stimulus. Please read the directions supplied in Arabic.

There is also a magnifying glass for self-examining the tongue. Even the slightest twitch will be magnified 3X's to aid in Bulbar diagnosis. You can also use this magnifier to examine any part of the body for twitches, spasms, color changes, etc...

You will find an ample supply of small vials for all of the blood work you will need to do plus instructions on how to perform each test for MS, Lupus, AIDS/HIV, Syphillis,
MG, and a whole host of other disease rule-outs. Please read the instructions provided in Hindi.

We were going to enclose a cup for urine collection (heavy metals rule-out) but Fred in R&D reminded us that every household already has a vast supply of cups in a kitchen cupboard. Thank you, Fred, for saving us time, space and money in the making of this kit!

Next, we've included a DIY Nerve Conduction Velocity study kit. Earl, in R&D came up with this baby! I've always enjoyed the use of a good 9volt battery and our device uses 5 of them (not included - Thanks Fred for saving the Lab time, space and money in the making of this kit!). Please read the instructions and sorry for having them in Chinese. Our legal guys recommended this; something about covering our rears.

Last but not least, every medical form we could think of to support a conclusion of ALS has been provided on compact disk. Fred in R&D is a tree hugger but once again proved to us going the CD route would save the company time, space and money. Thank you Fred! We've left no room for a negative diagnosis, providing you follow the directions provided in Cantonese.

Please be careful to take our almost accredited Neurology course included on CD#2. You can fill in your name on the printable diploma included at the end of the course. We were going to require a passing grade of 95 on the final exam but Sid suggested we might sell more kits if we only required a passing grade of 30 and just didn't tell anyone.

To order PZ's New (and Improved!) ALS Self-Diagnostic Kit today, please send as much money as possible (but not less than several thousand) in care of Forum Follies. I miss them...
 
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LizT

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Thank you Kim. I needed a big smile.
 

Zaphoon

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You are welcome.

I've had this one brewing for some time!

Thanks for the smile!
 

kiwisally

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Can the kits be sent on while membership applications are being approved? PLEASE...........
 

Toto's Dorothy

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Ok, Kim can I barter with you. I will take a gross of them and pay 1000 dollars each. I think I can find enough gross people to give them to. Do we have a deal?
 

Toto's Dorothy

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1 other question, can they use a red S O L O Cup to collect their urine?
 

brooksea

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To order PZ's New (and Improved!) ALS Self-Diagnostic Kit today, please send as much money as possible (but not less than several thousand) in care of Forum Follies. I miss them...
New thread in order? Anyone up for it? I vote ToTo or Kiwi to start it. Believe me it would be fun. Just have to have "themes." Y'all look back at the Follies. You can see it was an outlet and maybe we were a lot wacky!

Themes could be any popular movie or book that you incorporate the dALS. Or, themes could be anything you dream up!

PZ always has a cure! :lol:
 

Toto's Dorothy

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CJ,

Were those the ones where someone started writing about star wars and then the next person would write some and so on? I couldn't get into those. Either it was drug induced stupor or plain stupidness.
 

Toto's Dorothy

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Oh, geez. I meant that was on my part. It didn't look very good in type. I'm the stupid one.
 

brooksea

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Well, sometimes they were stupid (not you). That was the point. (dALS)

Whomever starts it will need to do so in the humor section.
 

kiwisally

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CJ, please humour me and tell me how it worked, it was well before my time.
 

Toto's Dorothy

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Kiwi, if you look it up, if I remember it right; the one was star wars and the group portrayed actors and made spin offs from the actual story line. I think there's a link below because it shows up below. I remember Ann, Barry, CJ, Rose and many more. I just couldn't follow. I've always considered myself a concrete thinker, no abstracts.

Now back to you, Kim. Do you think those cups will survive all the heavy metals in the specimen or should they strain it first to remove those pesky metals that shouldn't be there in the first place? And how soon can you ship them out to me? I have a few live ones knocking on my door!
 
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peter57

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PZ,

Once again I will put my hand up as the distrubuter of your kits for this area, including NZ.

I think i will include a Coopers in the Aussie ones, milk in the NZ ones :lol:
as they will require a drink after doing the tests

Cheers

Peter
 

kiwisally

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Thanks Toto. Just my opinion but kits and cups should go direct to those knocking as a time time saving option.
 

Alyoop

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Now now Peter, milk is for whimps, toss us some good Ozzie Shiraz. Nothing like it. It will dull the pain of the needles and shocks.

Well done Zaphoon.....priceless.
 
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