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MtPockets
Very helpful member
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2006
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- 1,544
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- PALS
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- 05/2006
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- Ms
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- Gulfport
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!
Last edited:
Frizzel
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- Mar 15, 2007
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- 178
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- DX UMND/PLS
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- 03/2007
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- WA
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First time I've gotten on for quite some time Captain. Oh my I laughed and laughed at this entry. Made my day! Off I go now to share this with my husband. I think of you and pray for you and your family from time to time. You keep hope alive Mt. Pockets! ...I've read what's in our heart that comes out of our mouth. You have a huge heart that springs life. Big Hug~ and cheers! Frizzel...;-)
peter57
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- 10/2008
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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on
cheers:grin:
Peter
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on
cheers:grin:
Peter
Zaphoon
Extremely helpful member
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- Aug 2, 2008
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- 2,857
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- 08/2011
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- Springfield
The following are some signs I think you might enjoy!
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix..'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to your next blowout..'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company
'We will be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
=
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix..'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to your next blowout..'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company
'We will be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
=
MtPockets
Very helpful member
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2006
- Messages
- 1,544
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 05/2006
- Country
- US
- State
- Ms
- City
- Gulfport
Quilt of Holes
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me,and nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.
I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.
Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes,creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.
Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!
God determines who walks into your life ...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
When there is nothing left but God... that is when you find out that God is all you need.
Father, bless all my family &friends in whatever it is that you know they may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me,and nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.
I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.
Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes,creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.
Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!
God determines who walks into your life ...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
When there is nothing left but God... that is when you find out that God is all you need.
Father, bless all my family &friends in whatever it is that you know they may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
Judith
Distinguished member
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- 12/2006
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- City
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Al, Thank you for your post on "quilts". This part spoke especially to me:
God determines who walks into your life ...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
When there is nothing left but God... that is when you find out that God is all you need.
He is enough:!:
Judy
God determines who walks into your life ...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
When there is nothing left but God... that is when you find out that God is all you need.
He is enough:!:
Judy
luvnmm
Distinguished member
- Joined
- May 15, 2010
- Messages
- 300
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- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 09/2009
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- VA
- City
- Henrico
Ok...here goes...this happened years ago when my oldest son was knee high to a grasshopper...
We were at my grandmother's house, and my mom looked at Nathaniel and said "Nathaniel, you've grown another foot" My son proceeded to look down at his feet and stated that he had not grown another foot!
True story...
We were at my grandmother's house, and my mom looked at Nathaniel and said "Nathaniel, you've grown another foot" My son proceeded to look down at his feet and stated that he had not grown another foot!
True story...
Sequoia
Senior member
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2010
- Messages
- 841
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2010
- Country
- US
- State
- Washington
- City
- Seattle
A Child's View of Thunderstorms
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.
At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."
May God bless you today and every day as you face the storms that come your way!
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.
At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."
May God bless you today and every day as you face the storms that come your way!
manwithaplan
Active member
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2010
- Messages
- 41
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 06/2010
- Country
- aus
- State
- queensland
- City
- imbil
late at night a burglar breaks into a house and as he fumbles for his torch he hears a voice, "jesus is watching" it said. the burglar froze, and peered around the dark room but saw nothing and switched the torch on. "jeeesus is watching" said the voice again. he flicked the torchlight around the room to find who was there and stopped on a parrot in the corner as it said "jeeeeeesus is watching".
"you can talk" said the burglar, with a smug grin. "sure can" said the parrot, "my name is moses and i am a rare and valuable talking parrot" he said. the burglar smiled again, thinking his luck was in and said "moses, what sort of people call their parrot moses?". the parrot smiled and replied "the same sort of people who call their rottweiler jesus".
"you can talk" said the burglar, with a smug grin. "sure can" said the parrot, "my name is moses and i am a rare and valuable talking parrot" he said. the burglar smiled again, thinking his luck was in and said "moses, what sort of people call their parrot moses?". the parrot smiled and replied "the same sort of people who call their rottweiler jesus".
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