Past CALS Rollcall

[Mary2]

RMT and Tomswife, Good to hear from you. RMT, I hope you enjoy Seattle. i have met several widows recently that have sold their homes and relocated closer to family. They miss their friends from the older location. I am very relieved I am still in the house where Paul and I lived. I may sell in the future, but for now, for me, keeping everything as much the same as possible is what I want. RMT you will always carry the memories with you. I admire your making the decision to re-locate.

I made it to the 6 month mark as a widow and was doing okay. I cry every day but have been fairly active. Then I got COVID. I still have it and the isolation and fatigue are getting to me. Tomswife..people suggested the book, It's Okay Not to Be Okay as a bereavement book for me. I have it on the bed stand and hardly look at it. Instead I search the Internet about grief and sorrow. I haven't had a cleaner in since Paul passed. I have kept up pretty well. But I have someone who might come in for me once in awhile. It is real tempting with this COVID. It would lift my spirits to have the house cleaned!

 

[Narrowminded]

Kathy, RMT and Mary,

You all are doing what is normal. Everyone's way to grieve will be different. There is no right or wrong way. It will be 5 years the end of Nov for me and yes I still have my moments, probably always will. Actually I cannot believe it is going to be 5 years.

As for cleaning, you are lucky you only have 1 year to deal with. My MIL would do the general cleaning for me, the deeper stuff sat for 8 years. I did deal with it after Brian passed. Then at 3 years I moved. I do miss some of the old neighbors that I finally got to know after he passed, however I needed out of that house. It's a mixed bag.

I read many cozy mysteries while Brian was till alive and I'm reading a series of them now. They are light and easy reads, about my speed these days. I did not read any books on grieving. I do have a faith and prayer is where I head. No matter what any book says, your journey will be your journey, just as our husbands all had different journeys with ALS.

Hang in there, there is more light at the end of the tunnel each day.

Hugs

 

[Tomswife]

Rmt. Going through a move is a huge life change. New city. New state. And preparing a home to sell. Overwhelming.
I have been hiring contractors to do some important uogrades, in case I have to move. But I dont intend to move. Regraded the side yard and put in a new walkway. Cleaned out garage. New power garage doors. New security lights. And more.
I want to stay in our home as long as possible.
I just donated Tom's winter coats. But all his clothes are still here.

 

[rmt]

Tomswife, you have gotten a lot done! I hope you can stay in your house as long as you want to!

Most of my husband's clothes and things are still in our house in Portland. A friend of mine who lost her husband over a decade ago mentioned that she wished she had kept at least one pair of his boxers, socks and shoes. It made me really think about what I want to keep! So as I'm going through things, I'm saving things I wouldn't have otherwise saved. I figure, I can keep them until I decide that I'm ready to give them to Goodwill. One more box of things in the basement is worth the peace of mind right now I guess.

But oh my goodness, why did my husband have so many pairs of socks and underwear!!! He must have been expecting a global underwear shortage at any moment!

 

[Mary2]

LOL! RMT my husband was the same way about socks! And shirts! There are shirts in unopened packages! I am giving these away. I am saving his shirts that are hanging in the closet. They are mostly checkered different colors and looked quite handsome on him. We have a storage area over the garage. All to the right is stuff of Pauls...mostly books I think. I want to clear it away, but my son tells me he wants the books. IT will probably be years before it is cleared out and of course I am getting too old to be the one to do it. There is a telescope that I would love to put together and gaze at the stars one evening.

I have one friend who just lost her husband who has spent several weeks now shredding. I can't imagine being a new widow and spending hours a day shredding. I am making a couple of boxes of papers that need to be shredded and when the BBB has shred day in April I will make sure to drop these boxes off!

Tom's wife..I had the house painted the same color it already was. I wasn't ready for any change. And I had the pop corn ceiling removed in the kitchen and had it painted. This looks really nice and I wish we had done it while was Paul alive. I would love to do the entire house!

I sat yesterday to watch my first GA Football game since Paul passed. I wasn't even sure I wanted to continue to watch football. I held the first moment in his honor, thinking about him. It was quite sad.

 

[MJT]

Hi all. I'm 3 1/2 months out. Several points in case anyone coming after me reads this:

-I was shocked at how shocked I was that my husband died. People commented on how happy I was at the funeral. I was not happy; I was in shock.
-I was determined to immediately remove Jeff's clothes because I saw how my MIL hung onto my FIL's things after he died. I wish I took more time with this.
-It's Okay That You're Not Okay is the worst book title ever, but it is somewhat helpful.
-A Year of Magical Thinking affirmed some things that I was doing/feeling that I thought weren't normal.
-I'm in therapy, a support group for caregivers who lost family members to ALS, and am starting a six-week grief support group next week. I walk every day, drink my water and eat my broccoli. I am painting in my studio again, see friends for lunch and went to my nibling's (look it up) wedding last weekend.

I feel horrible. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, cognitively...in every fiber of my being.

I guess I'm normal. I hope everyone is finding a light. I have such love for everyone here because you are the only ones who understand.

 

[Mary2]

I thought about A Year of Magical Thinking several times while caring for Paul. It has been ages since I read the book, but it has always stayed with me. I guess I always wondered when my time would come to be a widow after I read the book. Well, the day arrived.

We love you as well MJT because you do understand and you did such a fine job caring for your husband.

I am sorry you feel horrible. I don't feel so great myself so I guess we are normal. The best thing I did was volunteer at the cat rescue for a couple of hours 2 mornings a week. This has helped give the week some structure.

 

[rmt]

Oh MJT, I am right there with you. I feel terrible too. But I feel terrible in a different way than 3 months after my husband's death. At first, everything was so raw. I would sob uncontrollably and I felt sick and in a mental fog. Now it is more of a dull aching. The mental fog has gotten better, though I still don't feel totally normal. And while I don't feel sick all the time now, I have more aches and pains than before. And I have so much less energy than I used to. The stress of being a caregiver, followed by the grief of losing him and knowing I have to live the rest of my life without him, definitely has taken a mental, emotional and physical toll on me.

I still cry almost every day. I know my husband would hate that I'm still so sad. But it is his fault for being so amazing!

I've started on antidepressants again. I'm hoping it will help with both the emotional and physical issues.