Past CALS Rollcall

[rmt]

I need to find a less awkward way to describe my marital status.

I visited my brother and his family for my nephews' spring break. It was a fantastic trip. On the flight back, I was chatting with the guy next to me (which I almost never do). He mentioned his wife, so I asked him about her and their life. And then he asked me if I was married.

I still wear my wedding ring, so I'm sure he thought the answer was going to be yes. I awkwardly explained that I'm a widow, and boy did that kill the conversation! I quickly started talking about my dog and salvaged the conversation.

While I don't feel anywhere close to ready to even start thinking about dating (it has only been 8 months since my husband died), I am trying to be more social and get out some. So I'm sure this issue will come up again.

How do you guys answer when somebody asks if you are married?

 

[Mary2]

I don't know yet. I want to wear a ring as well. Does it help to start by saying My husband had ALS and passed or start by saying our husband's occupation. People seem to know what ALS is from the ice-bucket challenge. But then the conversation must turn to ALS for a minute before moving on to other topics. If you mention the occupation the conversation can maybe turn to this topic.

 

[lgelb]

I wore my ring for around a year, and then I just got tired of people asking me about my husband, thinking that I was married, so I put it in a drawer. I still get into the questions, but at least people aren't embarrassed by the gap between the ring and reality.

Usually, I don't say "ALS," just that he died or I am widowed. So like, "my husband died." Then usually, "How long ago?" And I answer, and that is that. And you're right, Mary, it helps on both sides to bring it back to his life rather than his death, if the convo goes on past that.

 

[Mary2]

I cry an ocean every day. There is a Facebook Group called Still Standing that I AM ALS told me about. The group also meets once a month by zoom. A few of the group have been together quite a while and a few have met in person.
I am posting on it quite a bit, because these are people who have worked with and loved PALS. I've looked at other groups but no other group has felt quite right to me at this time.

 

[rmt]

Mary, I still cry a little almost every day and it has been over 8 months. I know my husband wouldn't want me to be so sad, but it is what it is. I'm glad you found a group that is helping. The only people who really understand are people who have been through this.

My friend's stepfather died last week. They were able to get him home on hospice and I was glad I could talk them through the process. Boy do I hate that I have that knowledge! But it made me realize how I now have perspective and experience on things that will probably be helpful in the future.

 

[vltsra]

Mary, I'm glad you found a group that makes you feel better. I think I talked to everyone about every little detail of my husband's passing for the first few months. I suppose I was trying to make it work out differently somehow.

I just returned from a cycling trip in Tasmania with friends. We really had a great trip. I'm so fortunate to have such caring friends. Now that I'm back to my new reality I've been a little weepy. My husband always promised me he would travel with me someday, and I kept thinking about how great it would have been with him there. I sure miss his sense of humor.

His birthday is coming up and I'm sure it's going to be a hard one. But we must all carry on. That's what our PALS would want for us.

 

[Mary2]

Good to hear from you Vltsra. Glad you enjoyed Tasmania! I have a social media friend living there! Our family did some biking on the bike path at the beach. My husband who was older did better than me. I was nervous with the pedestrians on the path! Yes, my husband would want me to carry on. And that is what I am doing. Today a friend of mine is having a Dogwood tree planted in my yard in honor of my PALS. I need to go outside and find a spot for it before the nursery guys get here to plant it!

 

[Mary2]

Well it is 7:25pm on a Saturday night and I am too tired to be out on the town with people and too tired to exercise and have never been one to sit in front of the tv...so I think I will go to bed for a couple of hours and then get up and do some tasks!! It really is different and quite lonely.

 

[rmt]

Mary, I'm over 8 months in and there are so many times I don't know what to do with myself. Especially at night. My husband was my best friend and my world. It is going to take a while to find a new normal that isn't completely weird and lonely. But we can do this! It is what our PALS would want.

 

[vltsra]

Yes Mary and Robin, the nights are hard. I have friends and activities during the day, but everyone goes home with their spouses at night and I'm alone. Even though he could no longer speak, he still made jokes on the tablet. I miss him.

 

[ARCG]

Just came across this Thread. what a good idea.

V, I also have a couple trips planned. One is a trip my husband and I had planned to take together before he got sick. I know it will be bitter sweet but my sister convinced me to take it with her. I am nervous about going but know I am lucky to have her.

Mary, counseling has helped. Now down to once a month. It’s good to have someone to talk with as many people just want me to move on, some even change the subject when I casually mention my husband ( and in a context not related to his illness). How do you stop mentioning someone you spent your life with? I know it is just because it makes them sad and scared to think about what we went through. I do belong to a bereavement group, but no one really understand this unless they have been through it.

I , too, am looking at getting a dog when I get back from my trips. I am very lonely and while I have family and friends, many friends retired and moved away during Covid and/or distanced themselves when my husband got sick.

Robin, I hear you about folks talking about their minor inconveniences. That is really hard for me. Also, when I encounter people who are complaining because they have issues with mobility because they haven’t taken care of themselves it’s very hard for me to summon compassion, even with family members. I am working on that, but always picture my husband.

 

[Narrowminded]

I mostly no longer wear my ring. I'm 4.5 yrs in and there are days it is still very hard. This year is rough with my DD getting married, it's not fair her father isn't there to walk her down the aisle etc. Those things happen.

When someone asks, I generally say that he passed. That seems more gentle to others and they tend to ask. I will mention and then move onto other convo.

As to dogs, I have 2. One I had while DH was still here and the other I got after. I love them to death, and yes they are the friends that I no longer have. One caveat is that when you travel, most likely you will need to find someone to take care of them. That can be difficult. I still have to work, so planning vacations can be a bit more difficult. I wouldn't trade them for the world, but do think about that if you plan to travel.

I struggled for a long time listening to people complaining about the 'small stuff'. That tends to pass up to a point.

Hang in there, it slowly gets better, but never leave entirely.

hugs

 

[Mary2]

People seem interested in how I fill my time. While well meaning, it sometimes comes across as judgmental.
I feel like now that I am no longer a wife, I must have other interests or activities to talk about with people or to show that I am an interesting person. This is somewhat irritating to me, but so far I am managing to come up with things to say I am "doing". He only passed on February 27th. How much should I be expected to be "doing" at this point. With the GA summer heat approaching, I may "do" very little this summer.

 

[Mary2]

Monday evening might be interesting for me. Our ALSA has contracted with an individual for a 5 week course on Enneagrams and grief. Enneagrams is a personality theory. At first I wasn't up for this at all. I was rather negative about it. But now I've gone ahead and taken the personality test and am at least open to what this facilitator has to say.

 

[Tomswife]

Mary. How did Monday night go. Did you find it helpful.