Thank you beaner, just after I posted I had a conversation with a friend, they told me straight out that I have been and was the enabler that I was just as much to blame for the problem. I had to agree, I am the one who runs to get him the booze, I am the one who has lit his joints... why? to keep the peace? but there is no peace now... So I have put my foot down, knowing full well that it will be difficult -No more alcohol and drugs in this house- his answer, no more money... I said ok, but you will need to get somebody in while I work. (what else could I say?)
So he called his dad, his dad (enabler #2) arranged a hotel room for him, he got me to pack some things, then I called a cab for him (wheelchair accessible) and he left. This morning he came back with 2 bottles of bourbon and has not said a word... I took the bottles, put them in the garage, and will be getting them out as soon as our friend comes to pick up the pot today it will all be gone.
His dad was very upset with me, and I somewhat understand or try to... that is his son, and he told his dad "I only have 6 months left, I just wanted to enjoy it"... He was diagnosed 4 years ago, and throughout those 4 years he has set dates that he would never see again... "I will not make it to another birthday"... "I will not see my daughters birthday again", landmarks to give an excuse rather than living for the moment. I understand the fear, I understand the anger, the pain... I had in the past moved out of our home with our children, while he was on a waiting list for a place nearby, long-term care... He never moved, there was always an excuse, but it all came down to his lifestyle that he was not able to change and not willing to change. He ended up in the hospital for 10 days with pneumonia, I thought things had changed, "that moment" had arrived, his dad wanted him to go to chronic care 2 hours north of where we live, he and I agreed that we would give it a try at home, he came in and with time nothing had changed.
My only option is to stick to my guns regarding the addictions, he can smoke his cigarettes outside, withdrawal will be difficult, he does not fit in anywhere, the only option is chronic care, not an option that anybody would like. my only choice is: that if there is a chrisis I am to call 911, they will take him to the hospital that has an ALS clinic 10 minutes away and from there he will be transfered to chronic care.
The forever optimist that I am... I am still waiting for "that moment" hopefully it comes sooner than later... I want him to go outside and race his 4 year old daughter, him in his chair her on her bike... it is priceless! (it reminds me of being a child and how I looked at my dad) for him to allow her to climb up on his lap so they can read together on a regular basis, to ask our 11 year daughter old how her day was, to go to the bus stop and greet them or send them off with a smile on his face... To take interest on how they are today and to share so they can be better tomorrow.
That is what I want, I want to be allowed to have a bad day, not to be told by him that his life is over, I want to get up in the morning without the worry of what kind of day this one will be... I want peace! I want for us to live the best life we can through these challenges.