One month down the road...

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NothingButLove

Distinguished member
Joined
Dec 25, 2016
Messages
106
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
11/2016
Country
US
State
CA
City
Anaheim
It's been one month since my wife passed. I've had many strange emotions. However, for the last two weeks, it's pretty much been straight up depression. I can leave the house and go anywhere I want but I just don't feel like it. What I would really, really, really like is to talk to my wife... <crying>

I've been meaning to create a thread detailing the whole VSED experience. I just can't bring myself to do it yet. <intense crying> The whole processes messed me up. Hopefully it's not permanent.

I really wanted to be more involved with this forum before my wife passed. I just couldn't find the time. Now I have all the time in the world but I feel strange. It's almost like I fear this forum. It takes me back to a place I don't want to go. I want to help people with the experience I've gained but I can't bring myself to read the posts.

What I'm going through now reminds me of when this whole thing started. I can't go 5 minutes without thinking about my wife, ALS and VSED. Even the good memories make me feel bad. The happier the memory, the sadder I get.

I can confirm that holidays now suck. 4th of July without my wife was rough. I have this memory of my wife from last year's 4th. She was holding a sparkler and waving it around. She had the happiest childlike expression on her face. That memory made me super sad. Her being gone made me sad. The thought that she could have been there made me sad. The thought that even if she was there on the 4th, she couldn't have waved around a sparkler made me sad. So much sadness...

Going to an Los Angeles Angeles game with a friend on Tuesday. It will be good to get out...

Rob
 
Rob,

Read and write what you want when you want. It could be a month or a year from now. There will still be people to help, and people who care.

Give yourself space to grieve -- cry away. It's good (though painful) to own how sad you are -- much better than denying it.

Staying home is hard. Going to the game will be hard. Don't push yourself -- just be. You may have only a few seconds or minutes a day where you can see the beauty, find the joy. Those intervals will get longer.

Best,
Laurie
 
Hugs Rob. You will start to heal and the memories will eventually turn to happy one - though always a little bittersweet.

There is no timetable to healing and there are no rules to what you should do. Do what feels right.

We love hearing from you but if this isn’t the right place for you we understand

A month is a very short time after having experienced such an intense and traumatic experience. It does get better eventually

Take care of yourself
 
Wiser women spoke before me, so: what they said.
Thank you for checking in, I was wondering how you've been.

Whenever you feel up to it a storyline of the VSED experience will be very helpful to future users. At some point writing it all down could be cathartic but certainly not easy.

We're here when you need us.
 
Rob I’m sending you huge hugs along with thought for peace. Be gentle with yourself. As other of much greater experience have said, just be.

We are here for you if you need us and completely understand if you just can’t come here.

Much Love
 
Rob
I completely understand what you mean. I thought once my mom passed I would be able to post here more. 8 months have passed and it's almost like it has gotten harder for me to come by and post anything. I try to keep up with what is going on with everyone here, but I can only get through a few posts before I'm back to the days of being a cal and feel so overwhelmed by what so many are beginning to or continue to go through.
The thought of her being gone still physically takes my breath away, but I can tell you that with time it gets better. I have found that bringing awarenes to those around me, and writing my thoughts on a journal has helped. Everyone in this forum are in my thoughts often. Especially when workin on some ALS projects. Posting here is still tough, but I look forward to the day when I can. In the mean time, know that you and all here are in my prayers always.
May you continue to heal. Have a great time at the game!♡
-Erika
 
Hi Rob,
I am so sorry for the passing of your wife. I understand you completely. In less of a month will be my husband passing anniversary and tomorrow would have been his 61 birthday. This days are hitting me hard... I really hope that someday we will feel better.
Many Hugs
Adriana
 
Hi Rob,
Exactly what Erika said. Time will help. I'm 10 months in losing my CALS and the loss still feels tremendous. I as well watched my brother through the VSED experience. It is awful no matter how you look at it. That's probably been the hardest part for me is having that movie reel in my mind playing over and over. Ive come to terms with the fact that he's gone but have not been able to wrap my head around how he got there. Sort of a PTSD thing I guess. We fight this war as two, PALS and CALS, but only one makes it.
Cry all you want for the loss of your true love. You've been through a lot and there is no particular way you have to feel. Everyone one of us is different. Just remember that it will get a bit easier as time passes. It's all so raw for you now. Just be very kind to yourself. Hugs from the other side of the country.
 
I wish I had great advice for you Rob! Be kind to yourself. If you aren't on antidepressants, they might help. I hope your time out is good! Hugs!

I has been 7 months since my husband passed away. It seems like waves for me. Some days are ok, some days I smile and some days seem worse than ever.
 
Rob, my heart goes out to you. I lost my Dave 3 weeks ago today. I understand your feelings of loss, and I completely understand your hesitance to post here. I'm finding that part of me wants to put this whole ALS nightmare as far away as possible, even if that means ending my participation on this forum. I understand the feelings of sadness. Every picture I see makes me sad. When I look at all the pics of Dave when he was younger and physically sound, I still feel like I can't comprehend what the H*LL happened!? Like JLynn stated, I am sure it is a type of PTSD, because the long, stressful battle against ALS has changed me forever - and I'm not sure it's all for the good. I am thankful for all the years we had together. I am thankful that I didn't lose my love suddenly or from cancer. Still, the cruelty of ALS is particularly disturbing. I am sorry you had to go thru VSED experience. That had to be gut wrenching. I'm not sure how I would have survived it. Much love to you Rob.
 
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