One Day at a Time

[rmt]

It has been a almost 2 weeks since my husband passed away. He went downhill so fast, I still can't believe that he is gone. I spent a week with family and then came home on Sunday night. I've been busy all week getting paperwork and calls done, cleaning up the house and getting his burial service set up for next week. I'm also getting a run in every day and at least one nice walk with the dog. And I'm back to work a few hours a day. The days are busy and it feels good to get things done.

But at night, the house is so quiet and lonely. It is so hard to not have my husband here anymore. I miss him so much.

Before my husband got sick, we spent every evening together talking and laughing. Then when he got sick, so much of my time was trying to figure out what was happening to him, and then trying to support him. I don't know what to do with myself now.

I know it has only been a short time and I shouldn't be worried about figuring out what the rest of my life is going to be like. But I can't wrap my mind around living the rest of my life without my husband. I'm only 47. I wanted so much more time with him.

 

[lgelb]

Robin, I don't think anyone can wrap their mind around that "living without him" two weeks in. I'm pretty sure you're ahead of where I was, though, in terms of getting things done. I still have several boxes of papers to go through, and it's been eight years!

I believe the conventional wisdom is to start doing one activity [in this case, at night] that you enjoy, preferably one that you didn't have during the ALS years, and sort of branch out from there.

I work at home, so I divide my work among days and nights, and sprinkle walks, etc. in between. I find that softens the transition from day to night and vice versa.

But if your work is a more fixed time slot, maybe try shaking the other things up a bit -- see different scenery at different times, etc. so you're not coming home to an empty house in the same pattern each day.

I can promise you it gets better. When you are more "in" your life, he will still be with you, but you will also be more with yourself than by yourself.

--Laurie

 

[affected]

Oh Robin it is such a sudden stop isn't it?
You have been on hyper-alert for a long time looking after him, it's really hard to slow down without feeling a huge hole.

If you can think of something you really enjoy for yourself, can you do some of that at night to help start a new routine of some kind?
It could be physical, meditative, creative, anything really.
I have found audio books and podcasts wonderful as you can combine doing things with listening, or you can just do relaxation while listening.
Even if you have to try a few things til you get a good fit.

It does get better, but it doesn't just get better in a few weeks or even months.
I do run a close, private fb group for people after they lose their life partner if you want to talk with others too.

 

[Bleue]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in March. 11 months after diagnosis. I missed taking care of her, i mourn it. I miss her from before she was sick. We (albeit in a difft way) lose everything they do and also become what they lose (their voice, their arms, their legs, their advocate, etc..). We are so busy busy busy with appts to diagnose then with caregiving, and working/raising kids etc, when it’s all quiet we are loss. It’s devastating. And of course dealing with the business of death is just a temporary distraction from grief. My best friend told me grief is like a wave. Sometimes it will crash over you but you just ride the wave and let it wash away. Don’t fight it. Sometimes the wave will be big, sometimes small. Slowly you will stop thinking about the end and the disease and remember the happy times and recognize that although you miss him and it’s unfair he got sick-you were lucky to love and be loved and he’s no longer suffering. Don’t pathologze your grief. There’s no timeline or deadline. Make sure to get outside and do something you didn’t get to do for awhile, even something mundane as perusing every aisle of Walmart or taking a long drive and listening to music. We’re all here for you.

 

[Dot Nichols]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. He was fortunate to have you at his side throughout this terrible disease. Take care!

 

[rmt]

We laid my husband to rest yesterday in San Diego. It was a beautiful service at a military cemetery. I'm completely emotionally exhausted from the trip. Everybody wanted to tell me their stories about my husband. All I wanted to do was spend time with family and my closest friends that were there. I felt pulled in so many directions.

People kept asking me what they could do to help but then expected me to come up with plans for all of his former colleagues that came in from our of town. Usually I'm pretty good at that kind of thing but not right now! I was in such a fog that I couldn't even come up with an idea of where to go to dinner with my parents and brother (despite the fact I lived in San Diego for 15 years) .

Thankfully my mom took control of that and got us reservations at a lovely place right next to our hotel. And my husband's son jumped in and organized a place for people to get together immediately after the service (the military runs a tight ship so you have to disperse right after your 30 minute ceremony time slot). Luckily everything turned out fine and people seemed happy with the service and the various get-togethers after.

I realize now that what I really wanted was for somebody else to be in charge so that I didn't have to make any decisions. It was sweet that people wanted to do whatever I wanted to do, but most of the time these days I don't know what I want to do.

 

[affected]

Oh I get that Robin!
After all you have done for years, holding things together, being the 'strong one'.

I remember my 2 daughters came some days after Chris died and they were awesome at making decisions on things when I couldn't.
I organised all the memorial as it was small and invite only.
But if they asked about something that needed to be done and I looked vague, they just took charge and did whatever that thing was.
I don't remember another time ever that they have been so perceptive, but it meant the world as I really did not have anything left apart from the bits that meant something to me.

I'm so glad you had some people who could do some of that for you.

 

[Mary2]

Your family is wonderful Robin! They will be a tremendous support as you make your forward. Peace to your husband as he is now at rest.