Ok Folks - need powerhouse advice...

[Flowerpot]

My Mum died on New Years Eve and was such a star in battling this disease. It was so rapid for her after Dx in August.

The thing is that the funeral is soon and awful sibling is pulling strings - I just want to go with the flow but am being completly blanked . How do I get through this day ? Am suppressing my anger as it is quite a complicated situation.

Mum was a sweet , giving person who welcomed me into her life as an adopted child. I know the difficult sibling is hurting too , but their animosity is so hard to bear. I have to expose my children to this at the funeral , so does anyone have a suggestion how I go about this ?

Very kind regards

Flowerpot

 

[joelc]

That is a very hard issue and there is no good way to deal with it. Everyone is hurting and things will be said and done because of out of control emotions. You are not going to change the siblings attitude, but you can control your own. Please choose to not let the sibling upset you and talk to your family and tell them to ignore what might happen and to honor their grandmother. Explain to them that some people don't handle death very well so they need to show compassion and ignore inapropriate coments. I know it will not be easy but for your health I hope you are able to look past what might happen. You will be thankfull later as you will not have anything to appologize for. It will make the reconcilliation easier.

 

[crystalkk]

Flowerpot,

I am very sorry about your mom.
Joel gave you very good advice about your concerns, I couldn't of said it better.

 

[sharonca]

So sorry to hear of your loss. My advise is breathe deep, say as little as possible to your sibling and then only in kindness. You can only control what you do and I'm sure you will be proud of yourself and your family in the future.

Sharonca

 

[brendapals]

Flowerpot,
I am so sorry for your loss. Take that deep breath and let your own children know that you are in control. I pray this time is as easy as humanly possible for you,
Regards,
brenda

 

[califsand]

You're going through some hard things and your sibling is too. I learned how vastly different we all handle loss & grief during my recent experience. I too was worried about how a couple of people would be during the ceremony and after at the memorial. I actually told them ahead of time that I had enough of my own emotions to cope with and needed them to not put theirs on me. My worries ended up being for nothing... at the ceremony the brother I was worried about had appropriate behavior, even got up and spoke & cried and then later he was a support at the memorial. I think that seeing my raw emotion at the funeral gave him a reality check that this was a goodbye opportunity, not one to be angry.

My anger came later... and it was at the world and the world avoided me. I feel bad about the anger I felt towards everyone now but in the moment, it's black and heavy, thick and overwhelming - part of the course of grief for some of us. I imagine your sister feels very guilty about her angry feelings and it is settling in that she no longer has the opportunity to problem solve with your mother. Also, although you sense animosity, her depth of love is probably really great and her sense of loss may be so hard to handle for her that she is bursting out in anger. I would explain to the kids that people do handle loss differently and that some people feel angry, some feel sad, some feel relieved, etc. The kids will see a rhealm of emotions during the grieving process and you'd be surprised at how well kids can go with the flow even when the adults around them are imploding! Hang in there through this, try to keep your anger in check. Maybe it would help to write your sister a letter explaining how she is intensifying your pain with her behavior?

You are almost through this and soon can sit back and reflect on the journey. If you are able, allow yourself the luxury to go through grief in your own way and give yourself a break from those who make it harder. I know I had to! Take care,

Sandy

 

[CindyM]

This is a great thread. So much good advice. It is a situation many families must deal with and I, for one, intend to revisit this thread when the time comes for my own Mom to give up her battle.

Hang in Flowerpot. We are with you! Cindy

 

[Flowerpot]

Thankyou all for your responses - Joelc , you blew me away with your perception.

I am considering all of your suggestions and you have all lifted some of the weight from me. I think I will still be taking a deep breath on the day ,but I think all of my family will be doing so.

Thank goodness I found this wonderful forum when I did , as I have had so much support .

kind regards

Flowerpot

 

[Marjorie R. Wilcox]

Wow, these posts are really good... such wonderful advice here. We've attended four funerals over the holidays and have seen and experienced a variety of emotions. You'd think that the death itself would be enough to bear, but people are what they are.
We'd rather deal with goats!

Sorry about your Mom, Flowerpot. Hope to still hear from you on occasion and that your reflections on this long journey will be deservingly without regrets.

 

[Flowerpot]

Hi All

I thought you might like to know we all got through the day , without incident or unkindness.

It was a beautiful service and so many people turned up to bid my little Mum farewell. I even managed to get through my reading without tears.

Now I am so lost without her and am very weepy and wobbly. However I know she is in a better place and i try and focus on that.

Thanks , once again to you all , for your words of wisdom and support.

Kind regards

Flowerpot.

 

[joelc]

I am so glad it went so well! That is Fantastic. Now you can be at home and go through the grieving process in peace, God Bless you!