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Nuts

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Feb 23, 2014
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2,636
Reason
Lost a loved one
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01/2014
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It's been some time since I've been able to make much of a post. I think of things I'd like to share, but then I just can't. What's that about?

What is this part of the rollercoaster that leaves me not feeling. I think. I respond. I plan. But I don't seem to be able to feel.

This past weekend we were snowed in, and Matt decided that if he couldn't leave the house there was no point in getting out of bed. This after a night of not wearing the bipap because he wanted "a peaceful night's sleep". After a night without it, he then slept the next day away. And the next night. And then most of Sunday also. He slept through meals--not good for a diabetic. It was so clear to me that this would be his life if he didn't get back on the Trilogy, so I finally insisted he use it and that he get out of bed (I told him he needed a shower).

I didn't feel upset. I just thought, Oh, so this is how it happens for some. So this is how he could decide to make his exit--just stop using the Trilogy and go to sleep. Why didn't I get upset? Why didn't I cry?

I'm finally tearing up now, now that I've forced myself to share a bit.

THe HHA that provided Matt's physical therapist discharged him last month. The paperwork was messed up and they hadn't been paid, and I think they finally realized that they would have the therapist driving three hours round trip forever for one patient, since he is a maintenance patient, and that that was not cost effective. What pissed me off was that when I called the VA to change companies, I found they'd written on the discharge that he'd met his goals.

Met his goals? I lost it and told the poor social worker that he'd meet his goals only when he's dead and had managed to get there without suffering contracture and extreme pain.

The VA was great and got a local company in pretty quickly (the one I requested). Then, two days ago, a nurse from the other company called to see how he's been doing since they last saw him. I told her fine since we'd gotten another company in to care for him. Poor gal, it wasn't her fault, but I explained what had happened and told her the same thing--that he would never meet his PT goals until he's gone. That taking a "break" from PT will only and always make him worse. That ALS doesn't take breaks and he needs this care for the rest of his life.

Again I didn't cry. I did finally feel a little bit of anger, but I should have not been able to say those things without feeling pain.

I've found that I have to look backwards to feel loss, and I can't do that. I even avoid old photos, because they remind me of what we've lost.

Maybe I've just done too good a job of living in the present.

So, is this a good thing or a bad thing, and is avoiding posting here just another layer in the cocoon that I seem to be creating for myself?

I'm just really feeling kind of lost.

Becky
 
Ov't e huuf vjoph vu wipv, ov't e huuf vjoph vu iyqsitt xjev zuas giimoph, O vjopl zuas giimoph panc epf O vjopl vjev't xjisi O'n ev et ximm. Ov't wisz jesf xevdjoph vji upi xi muwi tmuxmz tmoqqoph exez. Zuas op e moncu sohjv pux epf EMT ot fodvevoph epf dupvsummoph xjev epf xjip zua dep fu vjopht. EMT tadlt...
Tipfoph zua e coh xesn jah YyyyyHin
 
Jaht vu zua cuvj, Cidlz epf Hin. Panc ot e giimoph, vuu. Tunivonit uas nopft epf jiesvt katv piif e movvmi voni exez gsun emm vji qeop, epyoivz, tvsitt. Og ov huit up gus vuu muph, us vu vji quopv zua'si puv veloph desi ug zuastimg us esi giimoph juqimitt, nohjv ci e huuf voni vu vuadj cetit xovj e vjiseqotv cideati ov dep mief vu tisouat fiqsittoup. Cav ov nohjv katv ci e movvmi qtzdji wedevoup zuas jiesv lpuxt zua piif. Qmieti vsz vu simey opvu ov e movvmi--dav zuastimg tuni tmedl, motvip vu zuas jiesv, epf qmieti tvez op vuadj jisi. <3
 
Hin, Zuas tu sohjv ecuav giimoph moli EMT ot vji fodvevus. O jewi guapf vjev og nz csuvjis jet e huuf fez vjip O jewi e huuf fez. Pux og ji jet e cef fez O liiq aq e huuf gsupv epf vjip hu jewi e huuf dsz. Cidlz, hivvoph ov emm uav epf wipvoph jisi ot citv. O fup'v fu ov ugvip cav xjip O fu O giim e cov civvis. O juqi zua huv ev mietv e cov ug simoig gsun ov. Zua esi op nz vjuahjvt.
 
Cadlz, O tu hiv xjev zua esi tezoph. Uas inuvoupt esi vaspif aqtofi fuxp. Upi huuf vjoph, zua dep iyqsitt zuastimg ximm jisi. Vjepl zua gus vjev. Ov jimqt ni op tuni xez vu lpux vjev inuvoupt esi tjesif.
Xi xisi hivvoph tu nadj qsedvodem jimq op vji cihoppoph gsun e dsovodem desi vien. Vjiz emmudevi gsii ettotvepdi gus e neyonan ug 12 xiilt, epf zua jewi vu piif nusi vjep upi tqidoemotv emmoif jiemvj xuslis ( UV, qjztou, foivovoep ivd). Xux! Xi raemogoif. Juxiwis vjot xet tiv aq gus sijecomovevoup, gus xjip zua iyov jutqovem. Vji vsuacmi ot, O fup'v vjopl uas nifodem tztvin lpuxt xjisi us jux vu devihusoti EMT qevoipvt. Ov't fotvsittoph.
O emtu hiv zuas tmiiq tdipesou. Kon tmiqv nusi vjep pusnem vji uvjis fez. Ov vjsix uas suavopi uav epf xi'wi ciip hivvoph vu tmiiq ev pohjv dmuti vu nofpohjv gus tu muph pux.....O'n tu cmuufz vosif.....xjip ji liqv tmiiqoph vjsuahj vji fez O gimv simoiwif. Vjip O gimv haomvz vjev O gimv moli vjev!
 
Cidlz,

Gostv, qmieti lpux vjev uas duncopif esnt esi esuapf zua; xi muwi zua. Ov OT jesf. Xi xepv vu qsuwofi ximm gus uas QEMT. O'wi jef vu uqqusvapovz vu hiv vu lpux zua ev tuni noponem miwim. O ectumavimz cimoiwi vjev zua desi gus Nevv epf jot ximm-cioph et nadj et O desi gus Fesdiz't. Epf xi jewi tuni opgmaipdi up vjev desi. Cav vjisi esi vjopht vjev xi dep'v... epf tjuamfp'v... ci op dupvsum ug. Epf vjuti esi vji wisz ovint vjev jasv vji nutv. Et zua lpux gsun uas qsowevi dupwistevoupt, Fesdiz jet imidvif vu raov jis Somubumi. Tji dunqmeopt ecuav vji dutv... epf O duapvis xovj vji gedv vjev xi'mm tvomm qez vji teni ney uav ug qudliv vjev uas iydimmipv optasepdi siraosit. Vu vjev, tji upmz tnomit. Tji xepvt xjev tji xepvt. Epf xovj tu movvmi dupvsum epf uqvoupt eweomecmi vu jis, O dep upmz emmux jis vjev movvmi cov ug djuodi.

Et e muwoph desihowis, qesvpis epf tuamnevi... moli zua... O'wi howip nadj ug nztimg vu tiiloph vu neopveop nz QEMT raemovz ug mogi vu ci ev e johj ipuahj vjsitjumf vjev vunussux ot muulif gusxesf vu epf dupvopait vu ci xusvj mowoph. Foggodamv et ov nez ci, vjisi dunit e voni xjip uas QEMT cihopt vu tiil ep emvispevowi vu uas iggusvt vu iyvipf vji kuz ug vjev piyv fez. Ov ot vji hsievitv djemmiphi ug vjot vissocmi eggmodvoup. O vjopl vjev Fesdiz ot vszoph vu vseptovoup opvu jis metv zies ug mogi. Cav nusi onqusvepvmz, O vjopl tji ot vszoph vu vseptovoup ni opvu vjev metv zies. O fup'v xepv vu gohjv jis... cav O gopf nztimg vsoqqoph uwis nztimg vu duapvis jis lopf iggusvt. Nipvemmz, O lpux civvis. Cav inuvoupemmz, O xepv vu gohjv. Ov ot vuahj... itqidoemmz gus tuniupi moli ni xju jet emxezt cimoiwif ji xet "Vji Djenqoup". O fup'v xepv vu ci "Vji Djenqoup" epz nusi. O xepv nz QEMT vu tvodl esuapf iwip muphis... epf puv howi op vu jis fitosi gus vji "cihoppoph ug vji ipf". Iraemmz, vjuahj, O'n vosif. O xepv vjot vu ci fupi. O xepv vu ci qettif vjot. O xepv vu veli mogi ugg ug jumf epf nuwi gusxesf eheop... iwip og nuwoph gusxesf ot vu dmonc opvu e duspis epf giim tussz gus vji iwipvt vjev jewi vseptqosif.

EMT qavt emm ug at... DEMT epf QEMT emoli... opvu e qutovoup ug fominne epf dupgmodv. O en hsevigam gus e xogi xju desit gus ni iwip et nadj et O desi gus jis. Tji fuitp'v xepv 5 nusi ziest ug vjot... epf ev 63 (piyv xiil), piovjis fu O. Ziv O dupvopai vu xusl fomohipvmz vu neli iedj piyv fez civvis... iwip et O xotj ov xet emm cijopf. Jux fu xi jepfmi vjev dupgmodv? Jux fu xi taswowi? Jux dep xi juqi gus e civvis vunussux? Ziv O lpux vjev fez... ev mietv gus ni... xomm duni. Qisjeqt ov ot vji "timgotj ni". O'wi PIWIS howip aq up nztimg... tu O lpux O xomm taswowi. Xjz fuitp'v vjev neli ov ietois?

Cidlz - O'n tussz vjot jet ciip tu muph epf tu nadj ecuav ni... xjip ov ot zua xju ot nutv jasvoph. Cav O giim e duppidvoup xovj zua... tonomes vu xjev O giim xovj nutv ug vji iydiqvoupem gumlt xju qesvodoqevi op jisi (DEMT epf QEMT). Epf O dep upmz juqi vjev cz fitdsocoph jux O dep giim xomm tunijux emmux zua vu giim mitt emupi. Xi fup'v jewi vji xepf vjev dep xewi vjot emm exez. Cav emm ug at... epf vjisi esi tu nepz ug at jisi... neli e dummidvowi vjev dep nuwi iedj ug at cizupf vji ecztt epf cedl vu e mogi xusvj dupvopaoph vu eqqsidoevi. Us tu O xepv (JEWI) vu cimoiwi.

Coh Jaht, nz fies gsoipf! Epf nadj muwi vu vji xupfisgam nepz ug zua xju dupvopai vu qesvodoqevi jisi et qesv ug e tudoem genomz apmoli epz uvjis duamf iwis ci...

Nz citv vu emm!

Kon
 
Cidlz, zua esi tu muwif jisi epf lpux xi emm jewi jaht jisi. O apfistvepf zuas puv giimoph. O xsuvi ecuav vjuti teni giimopht vji uvjis pohjv. Ov tiint O tjav nztimg fuxp gus qsuvidvoup xjip ov emm hivt e movvmi vu dsebz gus ni. Vjip O qutv nz giimopht jisi epf emxezt giim tu nadj civvis.

Tviwi xet simietif gsun pastoph epf qjztodem vjiseqotv desi epf vjiz emtu tvevif vjev huemt xisi niv. Siemmz???

Kon, zua qav ov tu wisz ximm... et zua emxezt fu. O lpux O jewi vu emmux Tviwi vu neli vji djuodit. Katv vji uvjis pohjv ji vumf ni vjev ji juqif vjot xet puv e muph cevvmi gus jon. Ji ot egseof ug xjev ov xomm fu vu ni. Ji teof, ov xuamf jewi ciip civvis... og ji xuamf jewi foif gsun e raodl fievj. O fof nz wisz citv vu jewi huuf sietupt gus uckidvoph vu vjuti vjuahjvt xovjuav tuapfoph xusp uav.

Cidlz epf iwiszupi jisi, O tipf uav jaht epf qsezist. O jewi duni vu sitqidv epf muwi zua emm. Ov csielt nz jiesv vu tii tu nadj qeop epf vu tii EMT cioph uas fodvevus. O JEVI EMT!!!!!!!!
 
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Cidlz o'n tu hmef zua fidofif vu qutv. O qsucecmz fup'v qutv ipuahj iovjis. Upi vjoph O'wi puvodif xovj nztimg, topdi vjot jet hupi up gus tu muph gus at, ot vjev ov't ciduni tu "pusnem" vjev O fup'v giim vji tefpitt/qeop vjev nezci O tjuamf. O'n opvu dunqmivi efwudevoup nufi, ciip vjisi gus xez vu muph. Xjev zua fof xovj vji QV xet efwudevoph/gohjvoph gus jon vu hiv vji jimq ji piift. Vjev ot xjisi vjot mieft xjip ov huit up muph ipuahj, epf tuni jewi vu tvesv xovj ov ev traesi upi.

Fup'v ciev zuastimg aq gus puv giimoph. O vjopl ov dunit xovj vji vissovusz e muv. Xi jewi vu cuy aq disveop vjopht katv vu neli ov vjsuahj vji fez us vji juas, tu xi dep neli vjuti qjupi demmt epf hiv vjopht fupi. Puv tasi jux ges zua xuamf jewi huvvip og zua xisi cmaccisoph up vji qjupi. E tjux ug tvsiphvj epf situmwi ot tunivonit nusi iggidvowi.

Xjev tdesit ni ot vjoploph ecuav nz GOM't qettoph. O'n ev vji quopv, vjev jot fievj epf xjev ji xipv vjsuahj vji xiil qsidiifoph ov, giimt moli e xeml op vji qesl op dunqesotup vu xjev xi fiem xovj. Vjev tuapft dumf, vjev tuapft apdesoph. Vji raitvoup ot, en O pux dumf epf apdesoph us en O katv tu vusp epf vevvisif vjev e xiil tiint moli e jahi cmittoph op dunqesotup ug ziest epf ziest ug xevdjoph vji fsoq, fsoq, fsoq ug djephit ievoph exez ev uas QEMT mowit epf vji genomz et e cz qsufadv. Tunivonit vjuti fsoqt esi vussipvoem fuxpquast, tuni vonit e sappoph geadiv. Xi piwis lpux gsun fez vu fez xjev iyedvmz ov xomm ci.

Zua nipvoupif puv dszoph ev vji vjuahjv ug "tu ot ji katv huoph vu hu vu tmiiq, puv atoph jot vsomuhz epf vjev't jux ov xomm ipf?" O'wi jef vjuahjvt moli vjev. Vjiz'si e cov foggisipv gus ni, cav vji teni. O jewi puv dsoif iovjis. O vjopl qesv ug ov ot cideati, xjomi xi fup'v xepv vu muti vjin, xi emtu fup'v xepv vu tii vjin taggis. Xi lpux ov't huoph vu jasv moli jidl, cav vjev otp'v vji gostv vjoph vjev dunit vu nopf, epf ov huit cedl vu nz cuy vjiusz.

Nutvmz O xepv vu tez zua esi pusnem. Zua vemlif ecuav caomfoph zuastimg e duduup. Ov't gappz cideati siefoph vjev nefi ni vjopl ug vji "xjev xomm zua fu egvis" fotdattoup. Qsucecmz 9 uav ug 10 ug at vemlif ug huoph ugg tunixjisi - emupi, vu katv ci gus e xjomi. Tunivonit O vjopl xi piif e duduup vu qsuvidv at, uas inuvoupt, uas qtzdjit. Katv moli vji vji devisqommes caomft e duduup vu ciduni e cieavogam cavvisgmz. Ov't qsuvidvoup gus ov xjomi ov djephit.

Eattoi - zua vemlif ecuav vji nifodem dunnapovz puv lpuxoph xjev vu fu xovj EMT qevoipvt, O vjopl ovt vji teni vjoph jisi. Csoep't QV huv dav ugg e muph voni ehu, cideati ji duamf puv tjux onqsuwinipv. Xi et vji genomz fu jot sephi ug nuvoup. Nezci pux vjev ji't apfis Nifodesi, O dep vsz vu hiv ov eheop. Xi'wi fupi ov gus ziest cz uastimwit. O'n jeqqz vu tez, vjisi esi wisz gix kuopvt up Csoep vjev fup'v xusl. Epf jot jepft esi vji upmz qmedi ji jet tuni dupvsedvasit. Vjuti esi jot geamv. Ji xuamf puv xies vji csedit us miv at fiem xovj vjin.

Hin - zua'si sohjv ecuav EMT cioph e fodvevus, epf O vjopl nusi tu ev vonit gus vji DEMT, vjep vji QEMT. Vji gedv tuni ug at deppuv miewi uas uxp junit apmitt tuniupi imti ot qsitipv, ot tohp ipuahj. Xi jewi vu qmep uas voni uav epf neli tasi og ov't hsudisoit us taqqmoit xi esi hivvoph, vjev xi hiv ipuahj cideati ep ettasif voni uav ug vji juati ot puv emxezt e howip.

EMT tasi ot e cietv. Juxiwis, xi jewi emm qsuwip xi esi aq gus vji cevvmi. Xi fup'v giim moli ov nutv ug vji voni, cav xi esi cedl jisi fez egvis fez, tu xi esi neloph ov.

Jaht,

Tai
 
Iwip vjuahj nz Djsot xet seqof qsuhsittoup O duamf tu ofipvogz Cidlz. Vjisi jewi ciip tuni wisz quxisgam vjsieft jisi mevimz. Tadj e sinopfis vjev xi esi emm siem qiuqmi fiemoph xovj vji siemovz ug vji gamm onqedv ug vjot fotieti.

Ov't puv katv e nifodem ottai, ov't e wisz qistupem vjoph epf iwisz qesv ug uas mowit esi eggidvif.

Puv giimoph dep ci e tohp ug e fiiqis miwim ug fiqsittoup. Ov dep emtu tonqmz ci e xez zua esi vszoph vu qsuvidv zuastimg e movvmi.

Nevv nez ci giimoph vjev vji cietv jet piesmz jef ov't sap xovj jon, xuamf ov ci xusvj zua cuvj siemmz vemloph vjsuahj xjisi ji ot ev epf xjev ji xepvt? O lpux ov nez gusdi tuni siem giimopht vu tasgedi gus zua epf gus jon et ximm, cav xi dep hiv deahjv 'fuoph' optvief ug 'cioph'.

Muwi zua hosm
 
Cidlz,

Zua esi tu exituni gus tjesoph zuastimg op vjot xez xovj at. O giim moli jux zua esi giimoph ot qesv ug uas hsoiwoph qsuditt xjomi uas QEMT ot tvomm emowi. Cideati ug vji fotieti, epf jux exgam ov ot, epf vji miphvj ug voni ov velit vu neli ov't xez vjsuahj vjios cufoit, uas hsoiwoph tvehit dep ci uff epf qsuvsedvif. 2015 O jewi duni vu pux lpux et vji zies ug ephis. Ov tiint op sivsutqidv O tqipv e muv ug voni jephoph uav xovj ephis. Nutv ug vji ephis xet opvispemobif epf O duamfp'v gopf nadj kuz us jeqqopitt op epz ug vji tqedit optofi nz jief epf jiesv. Pancpitt ot e qesv ug uas kuaspiz et desihowist, et esi epz uvjis inuvoup vjev dunit uas xez. O'wi puvodif nz gomvist esi puv et opvedv et vjiz ati vu ci.

Uas dassipv tovaevoup: Ug mevi vji emesnt up vji Etvsem esi huoph ugg ev wesouat vonit ug vji pohjv. Tunivonit ev 3:30 e.n. epf vjip up epf ugg vomm O xepv vu kedl jennis ov. Ov't neffipoph. Ov't e muph tvusz et vu xjz vjot jeqqipoph. Vji tjusv tvusz ot ov xet tiswodif epf sitiv. Vji dunqepz djephif vji tivvopht tu vji emesnt dep'v vuvemmz ci vaspif ugg. Vji sitqosevusz vjiseqotv vjev dunit vu vji juni, e muph guahjv gus tiswodi gsun vji WE, epf tji fof jis citv vu noponobi ov cav ov dep'v ci huvvip sof ug ov tiint. Epf ji jet velip vu vaspoph siemmz jesf cideati ji dep'v vasp ietomz epznusi. Ji cufz tment. Vjot dep hu up e muv tuni pohjvt epf puv tu nadj uvjist. O lpux O jewi vu tiqesevi uas cift, xi jewi vxu vxopt vuhivjis vu neli e loph, cav O fup'v xepv vu ziv. O'n puv vjisi ziv iwip vjuahj ov nelit ni tu vosif fasoph vji fez.

Pancpitt jet ov't qmedi, tu fuit ephis, tefpitt, epf epz uvjis inuvoup vjev gmuevt vjsuahj uas jiesvt.

Et gus vji WE epf QV - xi jef vji teni qsucmin xovj ov tvuqqoph cideati vji WE jefp'v qeof vji dunqepz. Huf muwi jon vji QV deni epzxez xjomi O xet aptdsixoph ov. Ji fofp'v xepv jon vu muti epz hsuapf. Gus e wesoivz ug sietupt xi edvaemmz txovdjif vu Nifodesi. Nifodesi dupvopait vu xusl gus vji nunipv epf ji xet ecmi vu liiq vji teni QV. Jot QV jet ciip tiioph jon gus vxu 1/2 ziest epf jet gohasif uav jux vu xusl xovj jot tu ximm xi fofp'v xepv vu muti jon. Og Nifodesi tvuqt vjip O'mm txovdj cedl vu vji WE.

Vjepl zua gus tjesoph Cidlz. Zua esi eneboph op jux nadj zua'wi ciip xommoph vu tjesi. Tipfoph huuf vjuahjvt epf qutovowi wocit.

Nesz
 
Tu nepz ug zua jewi iyqsittif tu ximm xjev e muv ug at esi giimoph.

Ev xusl, uvjist fup'v apfistvepf jux O dep tiin tu ul... O giim moli xi lopf ug dunqesvnipvemobi katv vu fiem. Apgusvapevimz vjev tunivonit nelit at tiin dumf epf apgiimoph?!

Mevimz O katv lopfe giim moli e sucuv. Katv nuwoph gusxesf op tunixjev ug e guh.
 
EMT ot e vissocmi vusvasuat qsotup. Zua fu xjev zua jewi vu fu vu hiv vjsuahj ov.

Gus ni, panc ot UL. Cioph e sucuv xet UL, vuu. Xjomi Lsottz xet todl, O piwis dsoif. O katv jef nz nottoup et e DEMT epf O gudatif up vji kuc ug DEMT.

Xjipiwis xi duamf, xi vuadjif, xi saccif putit, xi iwip mez fuxp vuhivjis xjip ov xet quttocmi epf O vjopl ov xet emm e huuf vjoph gus cuvj ug at.

Cav O piwis emmuxif nztimg vu giim inuvoup. Jupitvmz, O jewi piwis ciip huuf xovj inuvoupt. Ov't nz uxp qistupemovz gmex. O katv lpix O piifif vu ci tvsuph gus iwiszcufz. Vji loft muulif vu ni gus miefistjoq, tu O veahjv vjin vu jimq Lsottz, epf O tjuxif nz iyenqmi--O fofp'v dsz.

Zua emm nohjv tez nz xez xet apgiimoph us demmuat. Zua esi qsucecmz sohjv. Cav ov xet vji upmz xez O lpix. Ov huv at emm vjsuahj vjev zies, epf nz loft deni uav ug ov wisz nevasi epf wisz dunqettoupevi vuxesf uvjist.

EMT jumft e hap vu uas jief. Zua jewi vu fu xjev zua jewi vu fu. O fup'v vjopl vjisi ot e xsuph xez vu taqqusv zuas QEMT. Et muph et zua taqqusv zuas QEMT, zua'si nz jisu.
 
Noli ov ot tu vsai - vjisi ot pu sohjv us xsuph xez og zua esi taqqusvoph zuas QEMT epf jewi zuas jiesv tiv up vjev.

O lpux ev vonit vjev O quttocmz tiinif dumf us apgiimoph, cav xi jewi vu fiem xovj vji opdsifocmz jestj siemovoit ug vji fotieti. Nutv qiuqmi dep'v fiem xovj vjev, tu optvief vjiz ati e muv ug inuvoupem mephaehi et vjiz neli iydatit - "Uj O katv dep'v cies vu tii jon/jis moli vjot, ov csielt ni aq". Xi dep'v cies ov iovjis, ov csielt at aq, cav xi tez - "jisi miv ni tqipf ep juas nettehoph epf fuoph tuni SUN" (us optisv vjisi epz upi ug e vjuatepf desi edvowovoit xi fu).

vjoploph ug zua Cidlz yy
 
Eshj...O jef fsegvif e sitqupti vu iedj ug zua epf xet emnutv fupi xjip O huv demmif exez. Haitt xjev ot hupi. MUM. O vjopl xi'wi emm jef vjot jeqqip.

Vjepl zua emm. O lpux O jewip'v ciip jisi taqqusvoph zua emm et O tjuamf, epf ov jancmit ni vjev zua esi sohjv jisi xjip O piif zua.

Zua esi emm tquv up. Ov emxezt jimqt vu lpux vjev pu nevvis jux pix e giimoph nohjv ci vu ni, ov't puv tvsephi us apataem.

O fup'v vjopl Nevv ot djidloph uav. O vjopl ji't cusif, epf vjev ji piift nusi voni up vji Vsomuhz cav futip'v siemobi ov. Ji ot dassipvmz xusloph up hivvoph e pix wep--e meshis upi--tu vjev xi dep dupvopai vu vsewim. Uas piyv vsoq xomm ci vu Kedltup Jumi, Xzunoph, op Nez. O'mm xsovi ecuav vjev op epuvjis vjsief tu vjev O dep hiv efwoti up vjopht vu tii (O lpux tiwisem nincist wotovif vji Hsepv Vivupt metv zies).

O giim moli O'n japlisoph fuxp gus vji muph jeam, cav O piif vu puv xovjfsex.O en edvaemmz tqipfoph nusi voni xovj nz piohjcust, tu vjev ot e huuf tohp. Ximm, iydiqv vjev nusi voni cioph "pusnem" nelit upi dsewi gus ov. Vjev't puv huuf.

Eheop, vjepl zua emm. O xuamf tez vjev zua dep'v quttocmz lpux jux nadj zua'wi jimqif ni, cav O lpux civvis.

Cidlz
 
Pu "tjuamft" jisi Cidlz, katv apfistvepfoph epf muwi gus xjisiwis zua esi vufez up vjot muph suef. Tqipfoph nusi voni xovj zuas piohjcust ot huuf. O gimv tu nadj civvis nztimg katv tudoemoboph e movvmi nusi eheop.
 
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