No mum, no christmas..

[TrueToMyHeart]

Christmas is heading our way, joy is spreading, laughters echoing and gifts are being purchased.
Last christmas was strange, mum was in the hospital but the whole family, grandmas, grandpas, relatives, sisters and brothers had a mutual celebration, we were celebrating for mum as well. She layed in a hospital-bed, she could not breath, speak nor eat and her legs, arms, feet and hands were paralyzed. Her husband went to the hospital leaving us with the rest of the relatives. Christmas that year was just not the same compared to the past ones.
The past christmas-celebrations were filled with joy, lots of homemade food and treats and joy. The entire house was filled with decorations, the huge christmas tree loaded with gifts, little plush-santas and angels hanging on the walls, red, green and gold everywhere. It was magical and everyone had a smile on their face, the smells, the feelings, everything was perfect if i choose to look past the man-pig behavior from the men in our family. The one big reason to all the joy was mum, she made all the work before christmas worth it.
This christmas she is gone, dead and she has been that for nine months and one week. Although she was not next to us last christmas i knew that she was laying there in her hospital-bed and i knew that i could meet her and hug her the day after. This year she is no longer on the surface of earth, i can not hug her nor see her, all i have is pictures of her fading away the day before she passed away.
Our little apartment is decorated with some candles and curtains, the food is not cooking yet, no candy made and no mother running around singing christmas-carols. No smells, no christmas-feelings and everything feels grey, no colors, no magic.
I do not want to celebrate, the most relatives have not even called, the only thing that is planned is with grandma and grandpa. No presents under the christmas-tree, we do not even own a christmas -tree!
I have heard every possible thing to cheer me up but there is no use, the best present would have been a hug from mum but it will not happen, only in my dreams.

 

[Nuts]

Oh Agnes, I just read your three blog entries, and my heart aches for you. You are at such a difficult age to go through this--not only losing your mother but to lose her this way. It sounds like your family needs a new anchor. Agnes, what would your mother want for you? You must grieve her, but you must also live the rest of your life.. Have you received any counselling? Can you decorate the house in her memory and perhaps help the rest of your family find a way forward?

 

[TrueToMyHeart]

Thanks for reading all of the entries, it means alot!
I know that my mother wants me to move on and to celebrate christmas happy. She wanted me to live a good life.
Yes but the counselling does not work and i dream nightmares every night about mums death.
The answer is no, all our decorations burnt down when the house did two years ago. We made a gingerbread-house together but it just was not the same.

 

[davbo49]

my mom loved christmas time. so i try to do my best to keep that going for her. we have something of hers on are tree. when we look at it, it makes us feel like shes right here with us for christmas. i know this is not a time to be think of this. but i hope in time you will find something that you can hold on to that gives the knowing that your moms love will always be there with you.

are hugs goes out to you

 

[cheerleader]

Oh honey, know grief can be overwhelming but your mom would be sad to know this. Start some new traditions to fill the void. Go to the charities that are distributing Christmas dinners for the less fortunate and work there. (Salvation Army, Missions, etc.). Go to a movie with family and friends. Ask people without families to join you for dinner. Start new traditions. There are so many things that would honor your mom and make her smile down. Best wishes. Donna.

 

[azgirl]

Agnes,I just read your blogs, and I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I am certain that your mother would want you to get the help to go on living your life in a joyful manner; that is the best way to honor her. That is something I want very much for my own kids, even though I know how difficult it is going to be for them. It comforts me to think that a part of me lives on in them, just like your mom does in you.

So I would suggest that you keep trying the counseling, or maybe try a different one. But don't give up...do it for Mom.

 

[Daisy2182]

I can truly say, I know exactly how you feel. My mom passed away almost 2 months ago. Last year my Christmas was much like yours, we all celebrated as we had every year...even though mom could no longer walk, talk, eat, or move much on her own. She was home with us, she could smell our Christmas dinner and we could talk to her and tell her stories and remember past holidays with her. This year...well, we still have flower arrangements in our living room from her wake, and cards of condolences displayed on the table...we go through the motions but there is no cheer, or happiness really. Unfortunately, I have come to the sad realization that every single thing in my life from now on, will be sad. It will be bittersweet. No matter how great, everything will have a sadness attached to it because my mother will not be here to share in my happiness, or accomplishments. I wish I knew how to magically make this sadness and pain go away. I can only describe it as the deepest kind of emptiness, aching and yearning that I've ever felt. While some days are harder than others, a time of joy like Christmas, where everyone around you is celebrating and laughing and smiling...Is surely one of the hardest. I find comfort in looking at her pictures, remembering her laugh, her smile...telling stories about her. Spending time with my father and my sister as they are grieving just like I am. I know, and people say this all the time..."your mom would want you to be happy, live your life..." Yes, of course she would. No one would ever think their loved one would say, "Be sad forever, never go back to doing things you love." But the reality is...my mom is no longer here to say those things to me. To wake me from my sadness. To give me just a tiny bit of her positive and upbeat attitude. You are entitled to grieve in your own way, remember that. Grieving is a process, not an event. There is no amount of time where you or anyone else can say, "ok, that's enough grieving." There are days where thinking of her only makes me cry...and there are days when I can look at her pictures and smile...and not just a small one with a hint of sadness in it. A huge smile spreads across my face and for a split second I am happy. Because I had a great mother and even though she is gone, she will never be forgotten. She lives on through me and my family. She didn't deserve to live the last 2 years of her life the way she did, or suffer with a terrible disease the way she did. I'm happy to know that she no longer suffers. She watches over me...when I smile she smiles. And I know that when I'm hurting, and I cry...she's sad. All I can do is try to live my life in ways that will make my mother smile down upon me. She suffered enough on this earth. There are a lot of things that will be different now. Celebrations and holidays will be different, there will always be someone missing. Rest assured that she is still celebrating with you...wherever she may be, she shares in your happiness, she's proud of your accomplishments. She watches over you. And she lives on in you. I wanted to write something that would help you, I don't know if I have but come to think of it...writing helps

Wishing you and your family happy holidays and sending warm hugs your way

 

[Janie H]

Try to think about what your mom would want. I would never want my sons to let my passing ruin Christmas. I hope I don't go anywhere near a holiday, I think your mother would want you to be happy.

Janie

 

[skipper66]

I agree with Donna. This year to help to heal your heart you need to reach out to others who are also hurting. Invite someone over who is lonely perhaps? Help out at a charitable organization. I lost my mother 17 1/2 years ago to cancer and Christmas is never going to be the way it was when I had her. But, I try to make the best of it as she would want me too. Being a mother myself I know how upset if would make me to know my daughter is sad. Hugs, Kim

 

[poppies]

Agnes I wish you were closer so I could say "Meet me for a cup of coffee and tell my all about your Mum. What made her happy, what made her sad and what made her laugh!" I would want you to talk about her, laugh about her and cry about her and I would stay with you until the smile on your face was real. That is what your mother would want. She is still with you. Have you tried going to a place where you have happy memories of her and talking to her? She will be with you in spirit this Christmas, a spirit that is no longer suffering, but free and at peace. I am sending you motherly hugs from very far away (in South Africa) but I am keeping you close in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.