new e-mail jokes

[frankb]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Charleston SC.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly o bserving.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off: it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the proud Southern man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
BONUS
For those who need to know everything:
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The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood Plasma.
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No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh, go ahead ... I'll wait
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Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your ass!)
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You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
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The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
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The King of Hearts is the only King
WITHOUT A MUSTACHE
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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
It tells you that women are going in the 'right' direction!
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Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
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Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!
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The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
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Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
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PEARLS DISSOLVE
IN VINEGAR!
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The ten most valuable brand names on earth:
Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds, Samsung, Intel, and Toyota, in that order.
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It IS possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, NOT downstairs.
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A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
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And the best for last!
Turtles can breathe through their BUTTS!
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
So!










Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on..and go move your toothbrush!
And stop folding that DAMN PAPER!

AND FINALLY...

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”