Tracy,
It sounds as if you've got what it takes to work through this. Several of the things you've said make me believe this:
1. You "worry that she is able to feel your anger and you don't want that." To me that shows you're a sensitive, thoughtful, and kind person. The fact that you have that concern will carry you far during this stressful interlude of your life. It may not always be easy to carry out that core concern in your actions and behavior, and resentment is bound to creep in periodically, but it will constantly be checking you and guiding you as you have your mother in your care. I really wish you courage and strength for the duration.
2. You can address your father about your true feelings and sense his awareness and presence. Believing that he hears you and knows that your dialog with him this morning is "more a cry of help than just sounding mean" will help to sustain you during this ordeal. I believe as you do that those who have passed on still see and hear us. I think you are fortunate to feel that and to feel a connection with your father. I wish you much comfort from that connection.
3. Recognizing and admitting that your mother is not at fault for any of what's happening to her will help you be compassionate when caring for her. Our PALS whether they be our mother, father, spouse...whoever they may be...are losing everything. Their life is falling apart. Everything they have is being taken from them. There is no mercy. As they weaken and lose the ability to speak or do anything for themselves, they need the assurance that they will not be forsaken or forgotten; that they will be assisted to a peaceful departure. It's the least we can do for them.
All of this means too that we CALS must take care of ourselves, eat well, rest when we can. Keep on taking those walks and getting out of the house for a short period daily. This is going to require help from others.
There's a thread in the General Discussion forum called "forming a care team" which has some excellent ideas for recruiting help in the care of our PALS, and just as Cindy mentioned, "Share the Care" by Cappy Capossela and Sheila Warnock, is full of information about organizing group care.
All good wishes to you, Tracy. I hope the best for you and your mother. I know you'll do well as you work your way through this and I hope you will continue to post.
Peace,
Jane