Status
Not open for further replies.

DreamsEnd

Distinguished member
Joined
Jan 24, 2014
Messages
449
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2014
Country
US
State
AZ
City
Cottonwood
My PALS, DX'd a year ago is now unable to use hands, or arms and is in a powerchair nearly full-time. So I do his meds, shower, dress, toilet (thank you bidet!) and feed him. His sister, a most loving generous woman is staying nearby in her RV to provide help but I still have difficulty with managing my feelings about her help.

I'm grateful for the help and respite and her love for her brother but this gal is like a bull in a china shop and I spend a lot of time cringing. She is a strong, independent woman. Truly couldn't make it thru the current 10 days without her help as our disabled daughter is here for Christmas so I have two in wheelchairs needing a lot of assistance. Sister rushes to help but bangs wheel chairs into walls, corrects my Cerebral Palsied daughter strongly without understanding her capabilities, and is generally a messy person, spilling, knocking things over, etc. All minor, unimportant things in the grand scheme. She's here to help and we are paying her rent and she truly is kind and warm but the day after our cleaning woman has been here the house is a mess. She takes over with things I've ordered and sets them up without my input.

I try to focus on the positives but I am not successful at it often enough. I know I can't expect her to do things as I do but gosh do I want to! I'm venting here because I know it's MY issue and don't want to whine to my DH.

I'm learning to ask for specific help but get frustrated when I'm making dinner and setting the table and she's sitting there on her computer unaware. She then recognizes it and says oh here I am all in my computer and not helping and she'll move but by that time that job is done.

Forgive me please and advise away. I 'll need her help even more in future months and I want to support her love of her brother and her loving spirit; I don't want my annoyance to become a problem.

Moi
 
Dream,
There's nothing to forgive, and we've all been there in one form or the other.
What we advise with people who march to a different drummer is that you praise when your expectations are more fully met and are quiet otherwise.
When you are moved to say something, make it an "I" statement: "I find it difficult when you..." "I really prefer to..." and sprinkle those sparingly within "We are so glad that you are here" and "We couldn't have managed these last few days without you."
And then there is always, "Sue, can you set the table while I'm stirring this soup?"
The warmer and more inviting/important the shared partnership, the more most people will align with it.
You obviously have a lot to manage this holiday season. Kudos for getting it done and helping your family stick together.
 
I think I have the same sister in law LOL! I am happy when she is here, and happy when she leaves

try to not blow up at her you will need her more as time goes by.. have you tried meditation or relaxation techniques?

family is tough to be around
 
Whine away--if you do that here you can focus on the gratitude with your sister-in-law! It's a blessing to have the help and sooooo difficult to have the additional disorder that comes with it. Has she always been this way, or does she take over in an effort to relieve you of any burden? This disease takes so much control away from ALL of us that perhaps she doesn't realize how comforting it can be to make decisions about the small things (lke setting up something you've ordered).

About those wheels banging into walls--my hubby's PWC has gouged every door it goes through, including the front door, intake vents for the heat/ac, grates on the floor, the dining room table and the front of the fridge. Happily, we bought that fridge at the scratch and dent store :)
 
Nuts, that is funny! Am I hearing your recommendation to buy scratch and dent to furnish your whole house? TG you can make light of it!
 
oh Dreamsend such a difficult situation. Laurie has said it so well with examples, and I would just add to go slow, pause and think those response so you get them right.

Nuts I was lucky in some ways that Chris would hardly ever use his pwc as we all managed enough on the walls with the manual chair. Love the scratch and dent store idea! I kept reminding myself that these things are actually fairly easily patched up, repaired and patch painted all those bits myself and you would never know ...

Let us know how you go with the SIL and keep venting. If you do slip a little, remember what stress you are under and just apologise to her and explain that you are finding the pressure difficult ;)
 
Lgelb and others, you're right of course! Nuts, you made me to laugh! I've been thinking hard about SIL and I KNOW whatever bugs me in her is something(s) I see in her that I'm unwilling to recognize in myself so I'm working hard to try to own that. After all I'm strong and independent too.
I'm also going to keep a small notebook in my nightstand and write everything I'm grateful for in her every night and see if I can't work an attitude change in myself.
Oh Lord, our house was just finished in remodeling to accommodate and the scratches and dents can and will be repaired later. Sure was looking pretty for a couple of weeks anyway! :)

Thanks all for letting me whine, now for the real stuff - wine!

Sherry
 
I had to do similar when we started having home care workers in.

None did anything quite the way I would or as well, and I hated people being in the house doing my stuff. But I determined that I needed the help and would be grateful for it all. I had to stop myself ensuring the house was clean and all done before they arrived (so people wouldn't find a messy and dirty house what would they think of me? hahaha).

After a bit of time, I came to rely on them so much, and was so grateful for all they did and learned to accept their different ways of doing things and be happy it was done. I also just ignored things done outright wrong, things damaged or misplaced, and in fact they didn't really do much damage and nothing was done wrong from the view that it was things that had to be done again the next day anyway!

Your list to add to each night is a brilliant idea. You can turn this around, and you will all benefit from her helping out. love it!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top