Need help interpreting my findings

[ducksoup]

"Surprisingly, I can raise my eyebrows well."

Me, too. In the Philippines, how could one communicate, if he couldn't raise his eyebrows?

I still say "yes" silently with my eyes. And I clasp my hands together when I say "Excuse me."

And when I say "Oy" to get someone's attention, everybody thinks I'm strange. Seems very natural to me.

Dysarthria? I'm no doctor but I would think you're a little young for strokes. And the Dysphagia got better? That's a good sign.

This reply made me feel a lot better. I hope you get to read this. I guess your familiarity with my country and the culture has made me trust you very much.

My mind has been in the gutter lately. I've been really depresssed lately. My doctors have been observing me lately because of how my mom was diagnosed.

A few days ago was the anniversary of her first symptoms. 3yrs ago she kept on complaining about foot weakness. We went to some of the best hospitals here, one them even a Mayo clinic affiliate. Sought the advice of our country's best neurologists. She had 4 emg-ncs, all clean. Mris all clean. All blood tests negative. One doc told us to send her to a pyschiatrist. Probably conversion disorder. There was also an American movement disorder doctor specialist who came here for a talk. He too said it was anxiety. But she got progressively worse.

She was finally diagnosed with parkinsonism in the absence of any findings. Then two month ago her tongue started shaking. And her emg-ncs finally showed the docs something. Her docs finally diagnosed ALS.

You know what it's like here, Atsugi. It's a third world country. We have no access to Riluzole. And home care is practically non-existent. I am lucky my family can afford to buy the things needed to keep my mother comfortable but not all of those things are readily available here. I used to be the family logistician. Whatever they needed I could easily find it.

(Side note: We're okay. Nobody needs to donate anything.)

But, I've been stripped of that role. Doctors and rehab specialists are not the least bit encouraging. I won't go into much detail - this is already a long post - but nothing good comes out of our consultations. I've been told the accept and prepare speech.

I've contemplated suicide a couple of times. The thought is not driven by depression rather I am trying to be pragmatic. I can't bear the thought of my father who is in his retirement years struggling to take care of his wife and his son. He'll probably have a heart attack at some point. My sister can hardly keep up with the speed of my mom's progression. Add me to the mix, and I'll probably scar her for life.

I am a born-again Christian. I grew up in a Christian school run by Americans. For a time, I convinced myself that I was agnostic, but circumstance forced me to regain my faith.

I say this because I pray to God everyday to "let me in" should I push through with the act. I keep on telling Him my intentions are selfless. Maybe he can spare me extraordinary grace and mercy - make me an exception - because I know how much my family can take. They won't be able to bear this burden.

Thanks, Atsugi. I don't know if you believe in God but bless you.

Kim, thanks also for including me in your prayers. The thought of people thousands of miles away consciously asking the Lord to help me is comforting.

To the PALS, here no need to respond. I know how difficult it is. I'll pray for you everyday. I'll pray for comfort and happiness. I'll pray for your families too. I'll pray for their peace of mind and resilience - mind, body and spirit. Lastly, I'll pray for your family's ability and capability to keep you comfortable and joyful throughout your journey.