Jason's Dream
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- Sep 5, 2010
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I'm not sure how much help this will be, since my son is only 3.
We never hid our emotions from him. I read somewhere that in showing our emotions, it showed him, its okay to be sad, and its okay to cry.
We told him that Dadda was very sick. Beyond that we didn't go into much detail for his young age, but he knew something was up. He missed and couldn't understand why Dadda couldn't hold his train or play trains with him anymore, and we always had to remind him to be gentle with Dadda, as Dadda has a big booboo and so Dadda hurts.
The morning that Jason passed (he passed that evening). It was apparent that he was really close to death, and so I sat him down in a chair, and began to speak with him. I told him that "You know that Dadda is really sick. Well, you know how you listen with Angie's (the nurse) stethascope to Dadda's heart? Well, sometime soon, Dadda will stop breathing, Dadda's heart will stop beating, and Dadda will die. Dadda will then go to live in Heaven with God (yes, I told him what Jason wanted him to hear). Its okay to be sad, its okay to cry, and its okay to ask questions." This was alot for him to process and he merely answered "I wanna go see Grandma now."
Right after he passed, William (our son) came into the room, and again I sat down to talk with him. "You remember me telling you about sometime soon, Dadda would stop breathing, his heart would stop beating and he would die and go to be in Heaven with God?" He nodded yes. "Well, Dadda died sweetheart, and Dadda is now in Heaven with God." (william)" In Heaven with God?" (me) "Yes sweetheart". (william) "Oh." So for a few minutes afterwards, he told people that Dadda was very sick but that he was with God. So we corrected him, "No, Dadda is not sick hon, Dadda died." So then we had him in the other room, while the funeral people took Jason out of the house, and afterwards, William went back there then came back in the other room, a bit strongly "Where's Dadda? I want my Dadda? I want my Dadda back!" I had him come sit with me and explained to him. "You remember that Dadda died? Well, when someone dies, two people from a funeral home come and take Dadda, to the funeral home and clean him up and put him in a big bed (since he had never seen, nor ever heard the word "Casket", I used big bed, then later explained that word when we were at the funeral home) for our friends and family to come and say Goodbye to Dadda and that they love us and are here for us. Its okay to be sad and its okay to cry." At this he did shed a few tears on my shoulder and rubbed his eyes, then he got down.
The next day my father flew in from out of town, was sitting in a chair, and William came up to him, put his hand on his shoulder and said "My Dadda's Dead". I took William to the Doc's office, on the way from the Doc's office to the pharmacy, while we were driving, William said "Where's my Dadda?" (me) "Remember, Dadda died, and now is in Heaven with God." (William) "But I just want my Dadda back! I just want my Dadda back!" (me) "I know sweetheart. I do too. That is why we are sad, because we miss Dadda, and its okay to be sad."
Then the following week, his SS teacher told me that William told her "My Dadda's in Heaven."
The day before the viewing, I took Wlliam to the funeral home (without the casket, flowers, or the people) and explained what would happen the next day. Then the day of the viewing, I explained what was in the next room (remembering our talk from the day before), and then took him in there to see his Dadda. We had his trains and stuffed animals, and toys in the nursery (off of the room where Jason was laying in his caket) as well as videos with a small tv. I let him know that I would be here beside Dadda, so if he wanted to see me or Dadda he could be in here, or if he wanted to play with his toys, that Grandma (my mom) would be in there with Katie (our daughter), and then let him come and go as he pleased. I wanted him to do what was comfortable to him, and had talked this over with the funeral home prior to this day concerning all this.
The day of the funeral, I explained what would go on, the fact that Grandma and Grandpa would be sitting up front with me, and again, he could come and go as he pleased, my friends would watch the back of the room and be there for him and take care of Katie, and if he wanted to be up with us, he could. I didn't want to push something he might not be ready for, at his young age. At one point during the service, he came up, and checked to make sure we were all sitting there, then went back to play. It was comforting to see we were still there, like a security blanket. When it was just Wlliam, Katie, and I in the funeral home with Jason (right before they closed the casket lid, and wheeled him out to the pall bearers), William got up on a chair, put his head on Dadda, then asked to help close the lid. When they started to wheel the casket out, true to form, William ran up and grabbed a handle and helped "carry" Dadda out. It was like he was helping Dadda one last time, like he had done daily while Dadda was alive (Each morning that the nurse aid would come to give Jason his bath, he would come in and ask to help, and would be given a wrung out wash cloth that he would help "wash" Dadda's feet.).
He refers now to Dadda having a new body in Heaven, that Dadda's body is at the "tent" (cemetary where I have told him that was where Dadda's body was going to be put into the ground).
His appetite has dwindled, but it has picked up some.
Tonight, at the dinner table, he said "I miss Dadda". I told him I missed Dadda too, and he said "but its okay to be sad." Yes, Sweetheart, its okay to be sad. We have then referred to things Jason liked, foodwise, etc.. and that, this is how we are keeping him alive in our hearts, by our memories.
I am soo glad to hear him talking about his Dadda, and letting it out. I know it will take time, and we will continue to always talk about what hurts the most for me, but I know I need to, for his sake.
Not sure this helped, but I hope so.
We never hid our emotions from him. I read somewhere that in showing our emotions, it showed him, its okay to be sad, and its okay to cry.
We told him that Dadda was very sick. Beyond that we didn't go into much detail for his young age, but he knew something was up. He missed and couldn't understand why Dadda couldn't hold his train or play trains with him anymore, and we always had to remind him to be gentle with Dadda, as Dadda has a big booboo and so Dadda hurts.
The morning that Jason passed (he passed that evening). It was apparent that he was really close to death, and so I sat him down in a chair, and began to speak with him. I told him that "You know that Dadda is really sick. Well, you know how you listen with Angie's (the nurse) stethascope to Dadda's heart? Well, sometime soon, Dadda will stop breathing, Dadda's heart will stop beating, and Dadda will die. Dadda will then go to live in Heaven with God (yes, I told him what Jason wanted him to hear). Its okay to be sad, its okay to cry, and its okay to ask questions." This was alot for him to process and he merely answered "I wanna go see Grandma now."
Right after he passed, William (our son) came into the room, and again I sat down to talk with him. "You remember me telling you about sometime soon, Dadda would stop breathing, his heart would stop beating and he would die and go to be in Heaven with God?" He nodded yes. "Well, Dadda died sweetheart, and Dadda is now in Heaven with God." (william)" In Heaven with God?" (me) "Yes sweetheart". (william) "Oh." So for a few minutes afterwards, he told people that Dadda was very sick but that he was with God. So we corrected him, "No, Dadda is not sick hon, Dadda died." So then we had him in the other room, while the funeral people took Jason out of the house, and afterwards, William went back there then came back in the other room, a bit strongly "Where's Dadda? I want my Dadda? I want my Dadda back!" I had him come sit with me and explained to him. "You remember that Dadda died? Well, when someone dies, two people from a funeral home come and take Dadda, to the funeral home and clean him up and put him in a big bed (since he had never seen, nor ever heard the word "Casket", I used big bed, then later explained that word when we were at the funeral home) for our friends and family to come and say Goodbye to Dadda and that they love us and are here for us. Its okay to be sad and its okay to cry." At this he did shed a few tears on my shoulder and rubbed his eyes, then he got down.
The next day my father flew in from out of town, was sitting in a chair, and William came up to him, put his hand on his shoulder and said "My Dadda's Dead". I took William to the Doc's office, on the way from the Doc's office to the pharmacy, while we were driving, William said "Where's my Dadda?" (me) "Remember, Dadda died, and now is in Heaven with God." (William) "But I just want my Dadda back! I just want my Dadda back!" (me) "I know sweetheart. I do too. That is why we are sad, because we miss Dadda, and its okay to be sad."
Then the following week, his SS teacher told me that William told her "My Dadda's in Heaven."
The day before the viewing, I took Wlliam to the funeral home (without the casket, flowers, or the people) and explained what would happen the next day. Then the day of the viewing, I explained what was in the next room (remembering our talk from the day before), and then took him in there to see his Dadda. We had his trains and stuffed animals, and toys in the nursery (off of the room where Jason was laying in his caket) as well as videos with a small tv. I let him know that I would be here beside Dadda, so if he wanted to see me or Dadda he could be in here, or if he wanted to play with his toys, that Grandma (my mom) would be in there with Katie (our daughter), and then let him come and go as he pleased. I wanted him to do what was comfortable to him, and had talked this over with the funeral home prior to this day concerning all this.
The day of the funeral, I explained what would go on, the fact that Grandma and Grandpa would be sitting up front with me, and again, he could come and go as he pleased, my friends would watch the back of the room and be there for him and take care of Katie, and if he wanted to be up with us, he could. I didn't want to push something he might not be ready for, at his young age. At one point during the service, he came up, and checked to make sure we were all sitting there, then went back to play. It was comforting to see we were still there, like a security blanket. When it was just Wlliam, Katie, and I in the funeral home with Jason (right before they closed the casket lid, and wheeled him out to the pall bearers), William got up on a chair, put his head on Dadda, then asked to help close the lid. When they started to wheel the casket out, true to form, William ran up and grabbed a handle and helped "carry" Dadda out. It was like he was helping Dadda one last time, like he had done daily while Dadda was alive (Each morning that the nurse aid would come to give Jason his bath, he would come in and ask to help, and would be given a wrung out wash cloth that he would help "wash" Dadda's feet.).
He refers now to Dadda having a new body in Heaven, that Dadda's body is at the "tent" (cemetary where I have told him that was where Dadda's body was going to be put into the ground).
His appetite has dwindled, but it has picked up some.
Tonight, at the dinner table, he said "I miss Dadda". I told him I missed Dadda too, and he said "but its okay to be sad." Yes, Sweetheart, its okay to be sad. We have then referred to things Jason liked, foodwise, etc.. and that, this is how we are keeping him alive in our hearts, by our memories.
I am soo glad to hear him talking about his Dadda, and letting it out. I know it will take time, and we will continue to always talk about what hurts the most for me, but I know I need to, for his sake.
Not sure this helped, but I hope so.
