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My PALS is now in heaven

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I'm so sorry for your loss, Ninja. Reading your posts, I think you did everything possible for his comfort and to honor his wishes. He can fly free now. Grace, peace, love and big hugs to you and the little ones.
 
Dear Ninja, I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sharon
 
So sorry for your loss, Ninja. Thinking of you and your kids, wishing you peace.
 
Ninja,

Sincere sympathy for your loss. Your thread title says it all - we can rejoice that loved ones are in heaven. The hard part is carrying on while we are still here.

Take care,
Bill
 
Ninja, condolences to you and your family...sad times. Wishing you peace.
 
Ninja, so sorry to hear about your husband. You were a strong and loving CALS.

V
 
Ninja, I am sorry I am responding so late. My deepest condolences to you. Your love and commitment to your husband/PALS was so evident. Please don't spend too much time doubting yourself. Ultimately, the end result was always going to be the same, and IMO, the longer The Beast is present, the worse and greater the loss / the more the PALS will have lost. I wish peace to you someday Ninja. Big hug!
 
Thank you for all you kind words and condolences. It has been almost a month and it feels like a lot of time has past and at the same time so fresh like it was yesterday. I know a month isn’t a long time. I found Christmas very hard and night time in general more difficult some nights, not all of them. I keep thinking I could have/should have done more...tried harder, put on a smile more while helping him. I keep thinking about everything he went though and how absolutely devastating everything and every day and all the losses must have been for him. I should have been more creative or suggested more if done things better. This is very difficult.
 
It's hard not to think we should coulda... the truth is, we do the best we can do at the time. Not many people go through what we went through. It is a monster of a disease. No one should have to endure what we did or what our PALS did.

Try to cut yourself some slack. Try to think about all the things you did right... We did our best, we are super heroes, we are only human.

I hope things get easier for you soon! Hugs!
 
Thank you Sooner! You are right, no one should have gone what we or our PALS went through. I’m usually very emotionally even/steady but I’m finding these waves of grief and every day seems to be different...throws me off a bit. Did you go through any bereavement counselling? Wondering if it might be worthwhile. Thanks again for your supportive words
 
Sooner is right, don't second guess yourself. It's just never ever enough with this beast, it can't be done. By nobody. And not with a constant smile. You did great!

About five month after my boyfriend's death it's hitting me harder than before, I have the third bad cold this season and starting to link it to grief.
Found a good blog while looking for a possible connection between weakened immune system and grief. It's called "what's your grief". If you're thinking about counselling anyway you might also like to check it out.
I find it easier to talk to friends and you guys here when I feel like it instead of having a set date to "work" on it. It's a part of me and will in some form stay with me, it's nothing to get cured from.
Hope you find a good way to be and go on. And I hope between waves of grief and self-doubt there are waves of positive feelings, too. It's not a contradicton, everything just might be more emotional.
 
Thank you Wish. Yes, there are feelings of positivity and hope in between the waves of grief and guilt, thankfully. So strange that when I’m the midst of the beast I told myself that I should be proud of what I was able to handle and that I wouldn’t let myself feel any guilt when it was all o rt since it was a waste of time and energy...and yet I find myself going there sometimes, it’s dumb.

You are right about it being part of you and not being cured from it. Hard to accept but it is true. I will check out that website, thanks! I just had he worst cold ever and I haven’t been sick in 3yrs...maybe grief related also. I used to say I was too busy to get sick and maybe now that I slowed down my body is telling me something.
 
I am doing some grief counseling. It helped me understand that what I was feeling was completely expected. It also helped me just to have someone to talk through things with.
 
Thanks Sooner. I think I will give it a shot too. How long did you go for?
 
Ninja, you should be proud of what you were able to do to care for your PALS, in spite of unbeatable odds. It is natural to look back at things and think you shoulda/coulda done something differently, a bit better, etc. For a long time I dwelled upon the last few days preceding Dave's death. Did I groan in pain too much when lifting him; did I say things I shouldn't have? I remember that the day before he died, I was grumpy and didn't try to hide it from him. Then, I forced myself to think of all the special things I did for him. How I shared a very funny video with him the day he passed away. How I had made him a special meal the night before, and fed him fresh raspberries the morning that he died. How I brought in flowers from the garden for him....... Whenever I have thoughts about the not-so-perfect moments I spent around Dave, I try to think of all the great things I did as well. I hope you can do this as well. Blessings my friend!
 
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