Manhattanite
Distinguished member
- Joined
- May 10, 2015
- Messages
- 209
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 05/2015
- Country
- US
- State
- NY
- City
- New York
My one year anniversary was last month. I actually decided to take that week off from work and spend it alone in Cape Cod, which was always a special place for us.
I went to the beach at sunset on the very last day of this year of grief and sorrow.
As I rode my bike taking in all the beautiful nature (and crying at the same time), I called out loud to my PALS and asked him to send me a sign that he was there with me... Minutes later at the beach I found a tiny piece of bright cobalt blue sea glass, and I decided to take that as a sign and it did bring me some sort of consolation.
I watched the sunset and although I wouldn't say it was healing, it did feel special to witness the end of the day. The following morning on the anniversary I woke up very early to watch the sunrise.
I am sure that to my friends and family I look fine, like I am progressing in my grief, and while the pain is not as intense, the hole left in my soul is still there and will never be filled. I have gotten used to the solitude and I actually welcome it. I am content being by myself, remembering the good times with my PALS and occasionally seeing him in my dreams. My grief has become something private now that I do not share with others around me.
I often wonder how I will look back at this period of my life in say, 20 years. Lately I think that I will see it as a blessing that I was able to love and be loved and to take care of someone in his last days. However, I will never truly understand why this happened - some things just don't have an explanation and I have stopped trying to look for one. Perhaps it means that I have accepted this was always meant to be our destiny.
I went to the beach at sunset on the very last day of this year of grief and sorrow.
As I rode my bike taking in all the beautiful nature (and crying at the same time), I called out loud to my PALS and asked him to send me a sign that he was there with me... Minutes later at the beach I found a tiny piece of bright cobalt blue sea glass, and I decided to take that as a sign and it did bring me some sort of consolation.
I watched the sunset and although I wouldn't say it was healing, it did feel special to witness the end of the day. The following morning on the anniversary I woke up very early to watch the sunrise.
I am sure that to my friends and family I look fine, like I am progressing in my grief, and while the pain is not as intense, the hole left in my soul is still there and will never be filled. I have gotten used to the solitude and I actually welcome it. I am content being by myself, remembering the good times with my PALS and occasionally seeing him in my dreams. My grief has become something private now that I do not share with others around me.
I often wonder how I will look back at this period of my life in say, 20 years. Lately I think that I will see it as a blessing that I was able to love and be loved and to take care of someone in his last days. However, I will never truly understand why this happened - some things just don't have an explanation and I have stopped trying to look for one. Perhaps it means that I have accepted this was always meant to be our destiny.