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Manhattanite

Distinguished member
Joined
May 10, 2015
Messages
209
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
05/2015
Country
US
State
NY
City
New York
My one year anniversary was last month. I actually decided to take that week off from work and spend it alone in Cape Cod, which was always a special place for us.

I went to the beach at sunset on the very last day of this year of grief and sorrow.
As I rode my bike taking in all the beautiful nature (and crying at the same time), I called out loud to my PALS and asked him to send me a sign that he was there with me... Minutes later at the beach I found a tiny piece of bright cobalt blue sea glass, and I decided to take that as a sign and it did bring me some sort of consolation.

I watched the sunset and although I wouldn't say it was healing, it did feel special to witness the end of the day. The following morning on the anniversary I woke up very early to watch the sunrise.

I am sure that to my friends and family I look fine, like I am progressing in my grief, and while the pain is not as intense, the hole left in my soul is still there and will never be filled. I have gotten used to the solitude and I actually welcome it. I am content being by myself, remembering the good times with my PALS and occasionally seeing him in my dreams. My grief has become something private now that I do not share with others around me.

I often wonder how I will look back at this period of my life in say, 20 years. Lately I think that I will see it as a blessing that I was able to love and be loved and to take care of someone in his last days. However, I will never truly understand why this happened - some things just don't have an explanation and I have stopped trying to look for one. Perhaps it means that I have accepted this was always meant to be our destiny.
 
So happy to hear from you, Manhattan, and to know that the joy you found with each other is with you still. You're right, the hole can never be filled -- I think of it as part of the mosaic -- life and loss.

Best,
Laurie
 
I always say I have a Chris-shaped hole in my life ...

I love how you took the time to mark the passing of a year. I too sometimes wonder how I will see all of this in 20 years time.
 
Manhattan, it's great to hear from you again. Seems like you're on a good road, making good speed. Thanks for checking in.
 
Hugs to you Manattanite. I think of you often and it is good to hear from you. Sending wishes for peace and continued healing.
 
Glad you are finding your way forward Manhattanite. I'm sure your PALS is looking down on you always and happy to see you finding joy again. I love blue seaglass.
 
You write so beautiful, I always love to hear from you. I remember when you posted your husband's passing and made me so sad, not knowing my own husband's passing was so close.
Big Hug
Adriana
 
So beautiful indeed. Nothing can take away the time you had together.
 
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