My One Year

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Manhattanite

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My one year anniversary was last month. I actually decided to take that week off from work and spend it alone in Cape Cod, which was always a special place for us.

I went to the beach at sunset on the very last day of this year of grief and sorrow.
As I rode my bike taking in all the beautiful nature (and crying at the same time), I called out loud to my PALS and asked him to send me a sign that he was there with me... Minutes later at the beach I found a tiny piece of bright cobalt blue sea glass, and I decided to take that as a sign and it did bring me some sort of consolation.

I watched the sunset and although I wouldn't say it was healing, it did feel special to witness the end of the day. The following morning on the anniversary I woke up very early to watch the sunrise.

I am sure that to my friends and family I look fine, like I am progressing in my grief, and while the pain is not as intense, the hole left in my soul is still there and will never be filled. I have gotten used to the solitude and I actually welcome it. I am content being by myself, remembering the good times with my PALS and occasionally seeing him in my dreams. My grief has become something private now that I do not share with others around me.

I often wonder how I will look back at this period of my life in say, 20 years. Lately I think that I will see it as a blessing that I was able to love and be loved and to take care of someone in his last days. However, I will never truly understand why this happened - some things just don't have an explanation and I have stopped trying to look for one. Perhaps it means that I have accepted this was always meant to be our destiny.
 

lgelb

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So happy to hear from you, Manhattan, and to know that the joy you found with each other is with you still. You're right, the hole can never be filled -- I think of it as part of the mosaic -- life and loss.

Best,
Laurie
 

affected

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I always say I have a Chris-shaped hole in my life ...

I love how you took the time to mark the passing of a year. I too sometimes wonder how I will see all of this in 20 years time.
 

Atsugi

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Manhattan, it's great to hear from you again. Seems like you're on a good road, making good speed. Thanks for checking in.
 

Narrowminded

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Hugs to you Manattanite. I think of you often and it is good to hear from you. Sending wishes for peace and continued healing.
 

Jrzygrl

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Glad you are finding your way forward Manhattanite. I'm sure your PALS is looking down on you always and happy to see you finding joy again. I love blue seaglass.
 

adrivtham

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You write so beautiful, I always love to hear from you. I remember when you posted your husband's passing and made me so sad, not knowing my own husband's passing was so close.
Big Hug
Adriana
 

Lkaibel

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So beautiful indeed. Nothing can take away the time you had together.
 
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