My heart is broken....

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ShellyRenee

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Good afternoon to all,

As you might of figured from my "title" I lost my "Chickie babe", my (step) mom. She lost her battle with ALS on Jan. 22, 2007 @ 12:20pm. Mom was three days shy of 20 months living with this disease.

I have such a mixture of feelings, sad, relieved, lost and angry. Sad because I know I will never see her again, touch her again or even help her. Relieved because I know she is in a better place and she doesn't have to fight & struggle with her own body anymore. Lost because taking care of her was my life for at least the last 8 months. Seven days a week I was with her. My dad made me "take off" on Sunday (Jan 21st) which drove me absolutely crazy. I bet I called him 10 times that day just to check in. Angry I am for two reasons, first because this disease can be so cruel and the one who has it can't do a darn thing about it or the loved ones can't either.

Dad and I were with mom when she passed. I begged her not to leave us at first but when I realized it couldn't be I told her it was ok and that I loved her. We knew she was weak BUT we did not know she was gonna go. Moms Dr. was going to be stopping out to the house @ 2:30 that day, it was too late. I wish I would of known that the end was here, I think I do anyways. What could I of done I don't know. Gave her one more hug, called her "Chickie babe" one more time and definately I would of been there that Sunday for her.

The day of moms funeral really cut all strings between me and my two real brothers and her boys, my stepbrothers. My (real) brothers and I did everything in our power to not to say what was on our minds. Moms youngest son did try to come around more but I wish for her that he would of came more. Now the oldest one, in my opinion he doesn't even deserve to be called her son. His own dang selfishness is unacceptable. He did not even make it to the church in time to say goodbye to her before the casket was closed. In fact if it wouldn't of been for me insisting that the church play the song "I will wait for you" (by Joe Nichlos) then my stepbrother would of came in after the service would of started. That was straight up rude and disrespectful to mom, she didn't deserve that.

Mom loved her Green Bay Packers so I come up with the idea of all of her grandsons to be her pallbearers and to wear their Packer Jersey's. I know she was smiling then. That smile she use to be able to do. Oh how I miss her so. I try to keep thinking of good memories. This next weekend will be tuff. Mom loved gambling (football pools) as much as she loved her Packers. I think she is on a total of 8 different pools, I hope she wins... I know she will be watching! :)

I must close for now but I will be back. THANK YOU to all for being there. I have to tell you AL I am trying real hard not to have bad/negative feelings about her son because you told me they will have to live with themselves. BUT is that any punishment?, I don't think so. I could NEVER do that!

I wish you all a good day and a better tomorrow. Take care!

Chickie babes daughter,
Shelly
 

Al

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Hi Shelly. I am so sorry that you have lost your mom. I think with what you have done for her you deserve to call her just mom. You treated her better than some of her "own" family.
That makes you a better person. You may have bad feelings about her son and they are probably deserved but don't let it consume you or make you feel bad because you feel that way. He is how he is and you are how you are. You're the better person and everyone here knows it. My sympathies go out to you and the family. Take care. AL.
 

autumn

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I'm so sorry.

Hi Shelly, I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. I lost mine in Nov. 2006, so I know how you must feel. Sending you lots of hugs. (((((HUGS)))))
 

Teej

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So sorry for your loss. There are no words to express what this illness does to people, but you made her days of dealing with it much more tolerable with your love and dedication. Thank you for all that you did for her. You blessed her in ways you will probably never completely know. As for her children....they are not even worth the energy it takes to be mad at them. Rest in the knowledge that you brought love to a woman who dearly needed it. God Bless you, Teej
 

emjoi

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Shelly, I wish you peace, now it's all over.
Try to let all the family politics wash away. It isn't worth the pain.
 

mlb

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Shelley, sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family. My prayers are with you.

Anna
 

saska

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Shelley, Please be very good to yourself in your grief. My heart goes out to you, and you are in my prayers. Sharon
 

Barbie4

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Shelly

Shelly

My thoughts are with you. stay strong and know in your heart you made a big difference in your Mom's life.

Barb
 

donnah

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Shelly I am sorry to hear that your Mom passed. I lost my husband last month from ALS. I know how you fell about the "just one more time" I also asked Ben to hang on for a little longer when he was in the hospital, but like you realized that that was selfish. I told him I loved him and told him "I'll see you later". Be easy on yourself and take care. If you need to talk or vent I'm here.


Donna
 

CindyM

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Good afternoon Shelly. This must be a very difficult time for you and your family. My heart goes out to you all. Both your Mom and Dad are lucky they had you to help them through all of this. It is easy to be angry right now because a family tragedy does that to everyone but try not to burn any bridges. Hug each other (well, the ones you can hug) and cry together and remember that she had a full life and died surrounded by caring folks. Take care, Cindy
 
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