My daddy died in his sleep, at home

[NotMyDad]

And I wasn't there.
I spent two months in Poland with him from August to mid October, and then had to come back to the US to work and to bring my kids back to their dad.

My father begged me not to leave.

He prayed for a quick death, and he prayed for an easy death. At least those two prayers had been granted, because his life was just pure torture because of all the choking with secretions and pain from the cramps.

He never even needed his breathing machine. Just the suction machine. (He was bulbar onset.)

He lost his legs when I was there - a few falls did that.
He was still able to write a bit, but his hands were becoming weaker and weaker.

I prayed so hard to be able to be with him during his last moments.

I can't stop crying and I feel I just never will.

I feel like an utter failure. I was supposed to be there.

 

[Nikki J]

I am so very sorry for your loss he is free now and you DID NOT FAIL. Your love and devotion shone through every post and you spent 2 months with him.

I am very sorry you had to leave but it could not be helped and I know your dad understood.

It is harder when you aren’t there. I lost both parents to horrible illnesses after a lot of suffering. My mom had ALS. I was there. My dad had something else. I had left 48 hours for home responsibilities before he suddenly took a turn for the worse. My sister 10 minutes away barely got there. I was in another state not another country but I get what you are feeling. You did your best and it was great. Hugs

 

[lgelb]

I am very sorry.

He knew your love and that you did your best by him. That is the only thing that matters at the end. You were there recently enough for him to remember details of your visit, the touch of your hand, the sound of your voice, and there is no doubt those carried him through his passage.

You will stop crying, I promise, and you will remember him in happier days, and you will be the lighter for knowing he is at peace. Give yourself that time and when you are able, share some of those memories of him with your kids.

Best,
Laurie

 

[KarenNWendyn]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your posts have shown your deep love and devotion for your father. In no way have you failed.

 

[Narrowminded]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am praying for comfort for you. As the others have said, you DID NOT FAIL your father. You were an excellent daughter and he knew that. Please be kind to yourself during this time.

Hugs

 

[Jamie Lee Davis]

Wishing you comfort in this trying time.

Rest assured, the grief recedes. Happiness returns. Your memories of him will be happy ones.

 

[beauty4everyone]

*I'm so very sorry for your loss.
*To pass quietly in sleep; knowing you were with him in his mind; his heart; and spirit, is a blessing.
*To have been with him for so long, gave him the gift of your presence, your kindness, comfort, gentleness, and love. You gave him everything he needed for him to be at peace.
* He gave you the gift of knowing he went as he had hoped; quietly, gently, asleep.
* There is no condemnation in his love for you. You, have no need to condemn yourself.
* If, over time, you find it difficult let go - write down all you feel in a letter to him.
* Create a ceremony of forgiveness and letting go. Take the letter outside at night. Say your special words. Put the letter in a fireproof container, (You can add sage or incense).
*Ceremonially set the letter on fire.
*Let the ash and smoke take your words and feelings heavenward. Let it all go.
*From many personal experiences, I can share that grief, in time, lessens. Happy memories become easier to recall. Friends and loved ones help along the way.
*Be patient and gentle with your self. I believe his love for you would want you to be.
May peace abound. Beauty4everyone.

 

[wishmobbing]

I'm so very sorry for your immense loss. Don't knock yourself up about being on another continent. Spending two month there was huge for your dad. Maybe it was easier for him to get his wishes granted and slip away in his sleep after you left.
I think you were never supposed to be there. You chose to be there out of love and love reaces across oceans easily.
Hugs to you!

 

[ShiftKicker]

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. And I am deeply sorry you have such a regret. I am sure your dad would wish that you didn't, and very much appreciated the time you spent with him and was thankful for every minute you were there. You are a very good daughter and I hope, in time, you will be able to forgive yourself for something you had no power over.

 

[NothingButLove]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's impossible to control how, when and where someone will die. To die at home in your sleep is really the best we can hope for. You saw your dad recently and he knew you loved him. I wouldn't dwell on not being there at the exact moment. I wish you peace in the coming months.

Rob

 

[soonerwife]

So sorry for your loss! May peace be with you.

 

[Angiegal]

So very sorry for your loss.

Angie

 

[Buckhorn]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dad is at peace now. Love & blessings to you.