Moral dilemma - sexual relations

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francoise

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I don't know how to say this, but does anyone ever think about extramarital relations? I know it is terrible, but sometimes I get so frustrated and I have these thoughts and then I feel so guilty just for having them. Am I the only one - I feel like I am evil or something, but I was wondering if anyone else had issues with husband and wife relations. I love my spouse so much, but sometimes I feel like I am missing out. Is it selfish on my part to even have such thoughts?
 

Sunshine

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My husband is not far along with his illness like others on this forum. But for me that issue would never come into my mind. I have been married for almost 21 years. I love him dearly and could never even considerate it. The other spouses/partners probably will be able to help you more that have been living with this illness longer. I'm sure it is horrible not being able to have a sexual relationship with your spouse, if that is the situation. But there are also emotional affairs. I would recommend seeing a counselor or someone to help deal with this awful disease and how to deal with how relationships can change because of illness. I hope you find the answers that you need. Take care. Sunshine
 

Pearl

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Personally I think it would depend a lot on the type of relationship that you have with your spouse. When you married, did you really love them or was it a marriage of conveinence, or for some other reason?

I think, morally, it is imparitive that you stand by your spouse during this time, regardless of the answer to that question. If you are not close to your husband/wife, I can see where you might want outside support in order to deal with the difficulties...but that doesn't have to translate into a physical affair.

And, I think the worst thing you could do would be to add a broken heart to the broken body. Just give that some thought.

Hope this helps.
 

hope

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I am sorry you are in there, this disease is horrible there is not doubt about that. It is very painful for the one who has als and the family. My husband was diagnosed one year ago today with this disease. I cried most of the day and so did my husband. We held each other tight today. I love my darling husband with all my heart and soul and I have to honestly say that I would never, never think of anyone else. I look into my loved ones eyes and I see the man that I married many years ago. The disease has not changed that. If anything I love him more and more every day. He is my best friend, the love of my life and I know this disease is awful but I would not trade this for anything in the world. I would not want to be with anyone but him. When he can no longer hold me which is soon to happen I will hold him tighter and tighter every day. True love will not let anyone else into ones heart. Everyone feels differently about things in life and everyone is not the same. We all cope in our own little way but one thing I know for sure my husband will always be my husband sick or not sick the love we have is forever and a day. I am sorry you feel the way you do but please it is okay to feel what you feel but for me I know the big muscular, kind caring man that I married is still that man.

Sandy.
 

Patsy

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I can say without a doubt that an affair ,either emotional and/or physical will ultimately destroy your marriage with your spouse who has ALS. I have been there and been through it. It has also deeply traumatized my boys of 11 and 14 years old.
Patsy
 

Snowbird

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I can understand your concern. However, stay true to your husband.

You can still have sex with him if he is not in too much pain. It just means that you have to do the work and 'be on top'. No problem. He will love it, and love you for it. We had great sex that way for almost 3 years, but about 5 months before my husband passed on, his whole body was in too much pain.

As for seeking affection elsewhere, sometimes it occurs because the partner with ALS may unknowingly start to shut you out of his/her life. It is their way of coping. However, talk to your partner about it. Be very open, and very honest. However, as already mentioned, do not break his heart.

It is over a year since my husband passed, and there isn't any man that I would want to be with. I only want him, and that will not happen.

My friends tell me it is the electronics age, so ............

Best of luck!

Pat
 

Snowbird

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Sandy, I have to agree with your sentiments exactly.

I also loved and still love my husband more than life itself, and I would do anything to have him back, even in heavy care.

I can also understand the loneliness that a person may feel. You & I have turned that loneliness into extra love and extra caring for our loved one, and we make the most of every moment. I just hope that our strength is enough to give others the same strength.

Once again I will recomment Dr. Ruth's book, 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. It made our last 3 years wonderful and amazing.

Does anyone take their vows seriously?

"In sickness and in health, til death do us part..............".

Anyway, this is not intended to minimize anyone's feelings, but hopefully it can give others some strength.

Pat
 

MtPockets

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How about a mans view now

Ok we heard from all you wonderful wives who love and cherish their husbands. I admire and respect you greatly for your comments. Your husbands are blessed beyond measure, I hope they know it.

How would I a husband with ALS react or feel if my wife had an affair or sought comfort from another man while I am dying. The bottom of my bucket of hope would suddenly open up and drain away. I have been married over 40 years, my wife is my best friend, and it would destroy any hope I had left for that to happen. I would probably just give up and die.

Do you want your husband to feel anything like this? Do you love him enough to be there for him until the end?

Sometimes caregivers reach burnout and they need a little time away to recharge their love batteries so to speak. Perhaps you can find someone to help share the load of his care. I don't know the answer for you but just a few suggestions.

God Bless,
Big AL
:oops:
 

Al

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As another man's point of view I have been married 36 years and I would be devestated. As someone said earlier we are in the electronic age. Batteries still work and there are toys as they say that can relieve frustration for most anyone. My wife says just me holding her will be enough when the time comes that she can't enjoy me any more even if she has to fold my arms around her herself. AL.
 

Pearl

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quote: "I love my spouse so much, but sometimes I feel like I am missing out. Is it selfish on my part to even have such thoughts?"

After rereading your post and noticing this line "I love my spouse so much..." - that should give you your answer.

If you really love your spouse, this shouldn't even be a question. Trust me, you aren't "missing out" on anything - the real adventure, the real excitement is in the real "love".
 

Patsy

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everybody;
I think that Pearl is right on the money.
It was the same for my situation. My CALS wanted everything that he felt he was missing out on because of my care. His family were encouraging him constantly to leave me and live his life without ALS, that he was missing out.
They are missing out on what real Love is. The constant dissatisfaction with life never being enough is a permanent distortion of their inner peace. They are self proclaimed devoit Christians!
Thank you very much Pearl and others posters, this thread really helped me clear out some inner garbage.
Patsy
 

TBear

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I don't believe that there is a flip side to this moral question Francios. The reality is that your husband will, as Al said, (that's Al the fireguy) would pull the plug out of his bucket of hope. A small indiscretion on your part will eventually build into an huge guilt (bigger if you are catholic)

I agree with the others... get some assistance with your husbands care before you burn out... and some therapy before something stupid happens that you will regret for a long time!
Maybe someone should write a book on how to sexually satisfy PALS... and CALS!

good luck

T.
 

Al

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Geez now you want me to write a book? Wherever will I find the time? Actually that is covered although not in much detail in the Manual for Living With ALS. I think there are a couple of other advice sites where it is discussed. If you have a bit of imagination and aren't too shy things can be done that will be helpful to both parties. AL.
 

paula B

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you said you feel evil,,,well i would say you said it all.
 

catarina

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It is not about evil!

[
B]“A thought which does not result in an action is nothing much, and an action which does not proceed from a thought is nothing at all.”[/B]​

It is ok to have your own thoughts! It is different to act on them, everybody here has a different situation: some of you are older, your children have grown up and left the home, you may have a great group around you to love and support you. Some of you have always had a great partnership with your significant other, communication is key! But what happens if your PALS turned to alcohol and or drugs, or shut you out, what happens when you have young kids, what happens when the PALS has so much anger over his situation that it becomes abuse? What about when he refuses to have outside help? What happens when he thinks that you should not get out!

I am young, have young children and a husband with ALS, it has been almost three years since the diagnosis, I have got help, I had no choice, the guilt you go through as a care giver is tremendous, especially when all the above happens, I kept on saying it was the disease... It is not the disease, it is the person, and how they cope... I was told by him a few days ago that I was nothing but a pain in the ass! This was after I gave him a pedicure, shower, shaved him and fed him lunch! Is he projecting? I do not know, but I know that it has gotten abusive.

I have thoughts of Peace! Peace for me and the kids, sex? what is that! I think that we all have many thoughts that cause us guilt.. But just because you have thoughts does not mean you will act on them. How dare anybody criticize a thought! I have had friends suggest that they have someone for me, to which I laugh and say I am starting a convent! I guess I just do not even have the energy to think of it.

We all have thoughts that make us wonder, that are out of character! come on admit it! even you Paula B, does that make you or us evil?

I would think a forum like this would be to share positive feedback, to share experiences, but not to judge! To understand that everybody is facing the same diagnoses or caring for someone with the same diagnosis. That it is probably one of the hardest things we will ever face.

Peace to you all, enjoy the moment, and stay positive!
 
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