Thank you so much, all of you, for replying to my post and lending your advice, thoughts and stories! I still have to go on the site you suggested Sharon...I will, promise.
It is difficult to know what to write to express how I am feeling. I wish that I could say I was okay and that things were getting better but it just isn't so. Sure, I am going through life trying to live it the best I can, doing my best to not allow myself to stop but to keep growing spiritually, emotionally and mentally. The thing is that sometimes it seems so pointless without my mom. She was my best friend, my hero. She gave my beautiful gifts of love and the knowledge necessary to enjoy life to its best.
A friend of my mom's spoke at her funeral, someone I really didn't know, but after hearing her speak of my mom I felt instantly close to her. She said what I had wanted to say about my mom but didn't know how to with out taking 26 years to explain it. My mom graced some many, teaching so many about life and what it means to live. Freebies is what my mom's friend spoke of, this is what my mom helped her appreciate.
...the special things in life that we take for granted...sometimes simple, beautiful, silly, common, rare, comforting. Taking time in your day to notice what makes life worth living...you don't have to look far, most of the time they are right there...actually they are always there. My mom kept a journal where she wrote her five freebies in everyday...ranging from, "the sound of a snow shovel, Valerie's (that's me) sleepy voice, cheez-its, sunny days, to the sound of the rain." I am going to try and write down five things everyday that make my day better, bring a smile to my face (Sunny), make me thankful for today...my freebies...and everytime I think of my beautiful mom and what she gave me. Look for your freebies.
No matter how much one remembers the good times or everything one meant to you, a part of you dies when someone you love so deeply and unconditionally leaves this world. Moving on with that loss is the challenge. Or should I say moving on in happiness is the challenge. My boyfriend, family, friends, strangers all help in every way they can and I thank God for each one...but what I need most, who I need most to help me cope with this is my mom. And while I recognize that she is in a way with me it doesn't comfort me. But then I think how selficious of me to say it was comforting when my mom was here knowing the suffering she endured for five years.
The following I wrote on a blog in February to share with my friends and now I share it with you..more wisdom from my mom:
"We go through life not realizing, appreciating what life really is. It isn't until another's life is being taken that we acknowledge our ignorance. Ignorance to our having the ability to speak, walk, eat, kiss, make love, write, breath, blow your nose (sounds silly doesn't it?)...ignorance to our everday blessings. We take them for granted over and over again. We get so caught up in the things that really have no purpose and that are far from our reach, that we forget to appreciate the things that are connected to us, in arms length. We have all been guilty of what I speak, myself included, perhaps on a deeper level.
So, when you start feeling sorry for yourself...or forget how lucky you are, remember these words, told to me by my mom time and time again when I was vain and complaining,"Be glad that you can walk and that you have hands and feet that work. Be glad that you can talk. Be glad for what you have right in front of you." I recall getting mad at my mom when she told me this. I totally didn't want to hear it. Now, I would give anything to hear my mom speak those words. Now, I would give anything to see her walk, eat, to hear her say, "I love you." But I know it is impossibile. The blessings that you and I are guilty of taking for granted have been stripped from my mommy. My mom is dying from ALS.
Don't ignore my mom like I did...don't wait for tragedy to happen to understand the essence of life. Think about what you would do if you didn't have hands or feet or if you couldn't eat. Did you know that without a functioning big toe putting on shoes would be terribly difficult? I didn't until my mom experienced this lose in the early stages of her illness. What would you do if you had no mobility in your hands and you couldn't write? How would you communicate to tell people what you need?
Be thankful and value everything that you have, especially the things that most overlook."
I know that eventually things will be get somewhat better, but never will they be the same...it's scary, scary to move on and accept my mom being gone. I fear love, I fear fearing love. Love is the essence of my existence...fearing the very thing that makes you get up everyday is unexplainable. I know eventually i will need to find peace with this. Getting there where I am lost and hope to find a path through all of you. Thank you! So, I guess I wrote a lot for someone that didn't know what to write...
Valerie