Mommy just passed away from ALS

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vlperkins

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Hi, I am 26 and my mommy passed away from ALS a few weeks ago. I can't figure out how to deal with this. It hurts so bad. She was my best friend and I loved her so much. I still need her and want her physical being here. How do I deal with this? I need help. Please.
 

saska

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I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you not having your mom physically there, but I hope you can find comfort in feeling that her spirit is still with you. Sometimes our pain is too great to be able to feel the presence of a deceased loved one, but that does not mean that she is not with you. Talk to her; and in the stillness of your center you might be able to hear her response. Also, writing in a journal has helped me deal with losses that seem insurmountable.

A few weeks is a very short time since your mom died, and given the closeness of your relationship, of course the pain is still so huge. Take your time...take time. Cry when you have to, get angry if you need to, laugh if you want to, pray if you're prone to, but give yourself all the room to feel all of the emotions, for that is the only way you will get through them. Do you have a support group, friends and/or family to whom you can turn for comfort?

Over time, as the intensity of your loss and grief lessens, rest assured that the love shared between your mom and you will not. Love does not die.

Here is a link that I just recently came across that has some worthwhile articles on loss and grief. In your own time, maybe reading some of the articles will help you. http://www.soulfulliving.com/aug02features.htm

Please be very good to yourself, very gentle with yourself, in your grief and through your healing. You are in my prayers.

Sharon
 

hboyajian

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I am so sorry you have lost your mommy. That must be doubly hard when you are young. The love you shared with your mother is a beautiful gift that will always be with you. She is there in you forever. The depth of your grief mirrors the depth of your love. Sharon spoke to eloquently. I agree with everything she said. Be gentle with yourself. You are a beautiful person, your mother's gift to the world.
 

sufernan

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I lost my husband to ALS and I know how difficult it is to loose a loved one. For me it has being a year and it is still difficult. I have a strong faith and I believe Daniel is with me all the time. This helps me, I can feel him around, I can talk to him in my head, I know he understands how much I miss him and I also know he wants the best for me. I smile often because he watches when I do!
Take care of yourself and if possible try to find someone to talk to.
Sunny
 

saska

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"I smile often because he watches when I do!" Sunny, that is beautiful. Sharon
 

CindyM

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Most people expect to deal with this kind of loss at a point in their lives when they have had time to build a strong support system. Unless you have children or a spouse to lean on the best bet is to ask your friends to be willing to listen and hold your hand. Also it is important to take care of yourself in terms of getting lots of rest, eating well, everything you would do if your were physically unwell. The spirit responds to the same kind of care.

Write to us again to tell us how you are doing. You probably feel alone right now but people care and are willing to help! regards, Cindy
 

vlperkins

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Thank you so much, all of you, for replying to my post and lending your advice, thoughts and stories! I still have to go on the site you suggested Sharon...I will, promise.
It is difficult to know what to write to express how I am feeling. I wish that I could say I was okay and that things were getting better but it just isn't so. Sure, I am going through life trying to live it the best I can, doing my best to not allow myself to stop but to keep growing spiritually, emotionally and mentally. The thing is that sometimes it seems so pointless without my mom. She was my best friend, my hero. She gave my beautiful gifts of love and the knowledge necessary to enjoy life to its best.
A friend of my mom's spoke at her funeral, someone I really didn't know, but after hearing her speak of my mom I felt instantly close to her. She said what I had wanted to say about my mom but didn't know how to with out taking 26 years to explain it. My mom graced some many, teaching so many about life and what it means to live. Freebies is what my mom's friend spoke of, this is what my mom helped her appreciate.

...the special things in life that we take for granted...sometimes simple, beautiful, silly, common, rare, comforting. Taking time in your day to notice what makes life worth living...you don't have to look far, most of the time they are right there...actually they are always there. My mom kept a journal where she wrote her five freebies in everyday...ranging from, "the sound of a snow shovel, Valerie's (that's me) sleepy voice, cheez-its, sunny days, to the sound of the rain." I am going to try and write down five things everyday that make my day better, bring a smile to my face (Sunny), make me thankful for today...my freebies...and everytime I think of my beautiful mom and what she gave me. Look for your freebies.
No matter how much one remembers the good times or everything one meant to you, a part of you dies when someone you love so deeply and unconditionally leaves this world. Moving on with that loss is the challenge. Or should I say moving on in happiness is the challenge. My boyfriend, family, friends, strangers all help in every way they can and I thank God for each one...but what I need most, who I need most to help me cope with this is my mom. And while I recognize that she is in a way with me it doesn't comfort me. But then I think how selficious of me to say it was comforting when my mom was here knowing the suffering she endured for five years.
The following I wrote on a blog in February to share with my friends and now I share it with you..more wisdom from my mom:
"We go through life not realizing, appreciating what life really is. It isn't until another's life is being taken that we acknowledge our ignorance. Ignorance to our having the ability to speak, walk, eat, kiss, make love, write, breath, blow your nose (sounds silly doesn't it?)...ignorance to our everday blessings. We take them for granted over and over again. We get so caught up in the things that really have no purpose and that are far from our reach, that we forget to appreciate the things that are connected to us, in arms length. We have all been guilty of what I speak, myself included, perhaps on a deeper level.
So, when you start feeling sorry for yourself...or forget how lucky you are, remember these words, told to me by my mom time and time again when I was vain and complaining,"Be glad that you can walk and that you have hands and feet that work. Be glad that you can talk. Be glad for what you have right in front of you." I recall getting mad at my mom when she told me this. I totally didn't want to hear it. Now, I would give anything to hear my mom speak those words. Now, I would give anything to see her walk, eat, to hear her say, "I love you." But I know it is impossibile. The blessings that you and I are guilty of taking for granted have been stripped from my mommy. My mom is dying from ALS.
Don't ignore my mom like I did...don't wait for tragedy to happen to understand the essence of life. Think about what you would do if you didn't have hands or feet or if you couldn't eat. Did you know that without a functioning big toe putting on shoes would be terribly difficult? I didn't until my mom experienced this lose in the early stages of her illness. What would you do if you had no mobility in your hands and you couldn't write? How would you communicate to tell people what you need?
Be thankful and value everything that you have, especially the things that most overlook."
I know that eventually things will be get somewhat better, but never will they be the same...it's scary, scary to move on and accept my mom being gone. I fear love, I fear fearing love. Love is the essence of my existence...fearing the very thing that makes you get up everyday is unexplainable. I know eventually i will need to find peace with this. Getting there where I am lost and hope to find a path through all of you. Thank you! So, I guess I wrote a lot for someone that didn't know what to write...:) Valerie
 

sufernan

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beautiful

Valerie,
What more could a mother ask for that such a beautiful, caring child! I have to tell you how much your message moved me and how I see your mom in you. You are all she taught you and more ... a beautiful soul living on earth. I only hope I can teach my son what your mom tough you.
As a mom I am proud of you, of who you are, and what you are.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best,
Sunny
 

pldo

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My father died when I was young of a brain tumor. My best advice is allow yourself to mourn- cry, scream, yell, and do it all over again- for a certain amount of time. Then look at who you are, and who you have become because of their influence in your life and know that you are blessed, and that you are their forever- because through you they will live on.
 

vlperkins

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It has been 5 months since my mommy passed away and things aren't getting better. I thought by now they would be a little easier; but, everyday seems to become more of a struggle. When does it get better? I need my mom so much. I need her so so much. How do I stop crying and move past her passing? I want this pain to stop. I need it to stop. I feel so lost and empty. I just want to stop crying. I want my to stop thinking every second of how she is no longer with me. I want to stop feeling all of the regrets. I just want to stop feeling...this feeling of despair is slowly taking over the joy of life.
 

Al

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Hi VL. I hope you don't take this the wrong way because everybody grieves in their own way but from your post you sound so despondent. Have you thought about grief counselling or do you have a clergymen to talk to? Some employers have employee assistance programs where you might get some assistance to get back on track. Please know that you are not alone and it will get better. Let us know how you are making out.
AL.
 

Icanmanz

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vlperkins said:
It has been 5 months since my mommy passed away and things aren't getting better. I thought by now they would be a little easier; but, everyday seems to become more of a struggle. When does it get better? I need my mom so much. I need her so so much. How do I stop crying and move past her passing? I want this pain to stop. I need it to stop. I feel so lost and empty. I just want to stop crying. I want my to stop thinking every second of how she is no longer with me. I want to stop feeling all of the regrets. I just want to stop feeling...this feeling of despair is slowly taking over the joy of life.


Valerie, I just read your post, and it really moved me. Al is right, each person have their own way of grieving. There are so many questions I'd like to ask you, but I really do not know where to begin, and most of all I do not want to hurt your feelings. First, let me tell you, you are not alone, and yes may your mom rest in peace. Just think, she went to a better place where there is no more pain. She is als free now. I lost my son to als on June 3, 2007. I had 2 boys, and now I only have one. At the beginning, when my son was first diagnosed'ed, the sad news hit me like a freight train. I went beserk, I did a lot, and I mean a lot of crying. My son came home, to my house, to finish telling me about what the doctor had told him. When he came through the door, and I saw him standing there, I thought I was going to pass out. I looked at him, I put my arms around him, and I cried uncontrollably. He told me, "Mom, there is something else I want to tell you, and please listen to me. I know what is happening to me is bad, but please don't be sad for me. It is happening, and nothing is changing that. I see it as one of God's plans. He is using me for a purpose. I can understand your being sad for me, but please do it for me. I do npt want to see you crying, because when you do, you are bringing me down in a bad, and a very sad way. Please, mom!" We talked about a lot of things. Every day was like a nightmare. I cried in silence after he told me that. I had to act normal infront of him, beause he did not want pity. It was hard, but I did it for him. As his illness progressed, and it happened fast at the end, he only lasted 15 mos, I started to prepare my mind, I prayed a lot. To make a long story short my son passed at home, he lost a lot of weight, all the terrible signs were there, he could not speak, could not walk, it was so sad. After watching him suffer I turned to the Lord for guidance, to give me strength. We gave him a beautiful, well attended funeral, and I was happy for that. My baby had a glorious farewell. I miss him, but I still feel his presence. Hey, I may not be able to see him, but I feel him right at my side. I will always love him, and will never forget him. I am just waiting for that day when I will join him on the other side. Sorry for the long post, and may God bless.----Irma
 

brooksea

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Hi VL,

Please, if you have not already done so, seek counseling. Even if you go to your primary care doctor,he/she may prescribe you an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication that can help you deal with your feelings of loss. It is hard to put things into perspective when you are in shock about your loved one, so external help is nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope you find peace.
 
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