- Mar 14, 2016
- Lost a loved one
I am getting some mixed signals from Tom. He has never been one to express his feelings so he wouldn't necessarily say what he feels. We have in the past discussed that when he feels like it is all too much and he is ready to go, he can stop with the feeding tube and allow nature to take it's course with the help of hospice. A couple of weeks ago he asked me to make his funeral arrangements and said that he wanted to go on hospice care. He cannot or will not take enough calories through the tube. Any time I try to add anything with high caloric content (higher than 350 Cal. Ensure) he gets gas and stomach cramps. Nor will he allow me to give him more than 4 cans of Ensure per day. He will not use the Astral 150 enough to try and get accustomed to it and does not want me to call the therapist back to mess with the settings. And quite honestly, I don't think he has given it a fair chance. A few days ago, I asked him if he was not going to use it and suggested that he was shortening his life by not using it. So he used it for an hour a day for a couple of days and then stopped. Any time I suggest trying anything that might help him feel better he doesn't want to do it. I know that he is very fatigued but I am reminded of the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". All of those things make me think that he is thinking about giving up or that he is feeling that his time is short. Yet, he continues to say he is "not ready to go yet". That is certainly his choice to make but what he is saying is not supported by what he is doing. I feel like I am living in limbo.