Hi Guys,
Tommorrow, March 14, 2006, will be the one year anniversary of my dear Henry's death.
Has this been an easy year? Well, let me walk you through a short glimpse of what it has been like.
The morning Henry died was one of the most mixed up emotional days I have ever experienced in my life. My first thought was anger. I was mad that he died on me. He had been sick for so long that I thought that he would be here forever. And the, I felt enormous relief. Not for me, but for him. He fought a long hard battle and I was so proud of him. He finally was getting his final reward and rest. Glory to God.Of course, going through the funeral and the next few weeks were a fog. So much to do, and not a clear mind. It was confusing, scary, I was alone, and I did not chose to be. Everyone was so kind and helpful and caring, however, I could not think straight, sleep, eat or even talk right. I was a big puddle of grief. I was not Henry and Carol anymore, I was just Carol. I had lost half of my identity. I had lost my husband of 25 years. I did zero in on taking care of my kids. They gave me peace and purpose.
I went back to work 3 weeks after Henry died, maybe too soon, but I felt myself slipping into a depression that was scary, and I felt that I needed the safe place of work and to take my mind off of things. Of course, your mind is always thinking and reliving the past years. I relved the day he died and the funeral over and over. I willed myself to think of other things, but, I guess it was part and parcel of what I went through over the years.
On May 30, I celebrated our 25'th Wedding Anniversary all by myself. I know that Henry tried to hang on for it. I sat on the deck, drank a glass of wine and thanked God for giving me a wonderful, loving man. He loved me so much and worshiped the ground I walked on. He was funny, kind, giving, hardworking and did not deserve this fate. But, again I am so grateful for having this wonderful kind of love.
The summer came and went. I do not really remember much of it. I went to the trailer lots, and sat by the fire and wished my Henry was sitting beside me. He loved it there. He loved a campfire and a cold beer. We always had the biggest fire in the campground because of Henry.
Around the end of October first of November I came out of shock and had to face reality. It was a big shock, for the first time I really knew that he was not coming back to me. Of course, he is with me every day, but the loneliness really started to kick in then. I dreaded Christmas, Henry loved the holidays. He loved entertaining around the holidays and loved surpising me and the kids with wonderful presents that we would never have expected. The look on his face on Christmas mornings was something that I will always remember.
We decided to have a New Years Party to celebrate the new beginnings in our lives. We had all of our close friends and family over and we had a great time. It was time to let the healing take over for us and stop trying to heal. This was going to be my year. This year is the year that I will focus on myself. It has been so long that I have indulged myself little luxuries. Henry wanted me to "get on with it" and so, I am trying. Am I doing alright? Sometimes. When I have a bad day, I think that he is doing much better than I am. He helps me, you will find that your loved ones are always with you. I feel him when I need him most.
And so, I looked forward to my trip with my sons. It was a long overdue holiday and we had a blast. It was so good to laugh freely, feel the warm sun, and relax. I know that he would have been so happy that we did this, and he requested that I take the boys and go someplace tropical. And that we did. We had a safe trip, with our angel looking over us.
You never get over it. You never stop hurting. You never get over losing the one you love. But, it does get easier. Little things still trigger tears. But they are the wonderful reminders of our love. A love that will never be replaced or repeated. Now after a year of my being alone, I am a stronger woman, more educated, and more at peace. I know that I still have a long road ahead of myself, but I see more clearly now and know that I have no regrets and hopefully will be able to help others going through the same things. There is no rules to grieving. It is a powerful emotion, and you just have to live through it.
I look forward to spring, my flower gardens, my trailer, the sun, and Henry will be with me every step of the way, everyday.
I have wonderful friends and family and they have been with me every step of this journey. Without them, I would have been lost.
Once again, I am so thankful for all the things I have, and for all the things I had.Taking each day at a time is really the key. Healing can take so long. I am on the road to recovery and know that I will be okay, but, I will never be the same.
As always .... Stay Strong
My love goes out to you all.
Carol