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Narrowminded

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Becky - huge hugs. I’m so sorry about your dad and the showdown with stepmom. Some people just do not understand what we go through and your inability to go to your Dad. I know I struggled with that situation myself. It hurts.
 

Nuts

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This week Matt's best friend and hunting buddy is here. We're sharing stories, playing on the water, and getting honey dos done. Last night he was telling me about a blog he'd found that I'd written during our last trip to Colorado. I can only think that he found one of my threads here, and he said he found it through a picture. I'm not sure how that worked, but he's the first person who has ever mentioned finding me here. Saturday we will visit Matt's row of grape vines at our local winery. I'm trying to treat the week like a vacation (or staycation). The rain can stop any time.

I have made nice with my stepsister, and am getting information about dad through her. I'm not sure my stepmother will ever speak to me again, but I have apologized for losing control and yelling at her. Even though she attacked me first, I need to have more compassion. Sigh. I guess I'm not ready for sainthood yet!! :)

Now, the rain can stop any time!!!
 

affected

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Becky since neither you nor your stepmother are saints, I'm thinking it's ok if you both lost it. If she can't move past that, and you have apologised, that's her extra loss.
Have a wonderful staycation week, you deserve it!
 

Narrowminded

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Becky I agree with Tillie and really if she cannot accept your apology do you need her in your life, other than a means to speak with your Dad? Did you have a good relationship prior to this mix up?

Hugs my friend - enjoy you staycation for everything it’s worth!
 

Nuts

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Time is flying by now that summer is here and visitors are coming. This past weekend my youngest son came with his wife and my two grandchildren; my DILs sister, BIL and nephew; her brother, SIL, and niece; and my youngest grandson's Godfather and his son. Now that they are gone I'm once again cleaning, working on projects, and actually relaxing on the dock!!!

I started crying again and realized that I was drinking too much. There is a reason we are not supposed to mix antidepressants and alcohol, so I've slowed down. Not stopped, mind you, but slowed down.

I just went through my first phase of insecurity. It was so strange--for no apparent reason I started doubting my decisions and actions. Maybe that went along with negating the effects of the Lexapro with alcohol.

I have heard from my stepsister, but nothing from my stepmother. We had a good relationship before the blowup--or I thought we did. I now feel badly about reacting as I did--she is much older and in much worse shape than I. Tillie, you are right, the loss is hers. Now that I'm free to help her, I don't think I'll ever see her again. I've been through too much to go begging for more drama. Unfortunately Sue, there does not seem to be any talking to dad. He doesn't know me. I was glad to hear that he is going to be able to stay in the facility he's in, and will move to the long-term side once a bed is open. It's a lovely place (and I've been in enough nursing homes to realize how rare that is).

I've realized that there is another hurdle to jump. Who would have thought that changing status on Facebook would become a big thing? Harder even that taking off my ring. I need to see if I can do it without FB announcing the change to the world...it needs to happen quietly. Damn.
 

soonerwife

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I know what you mean about the feeling of insecurity. I have always known I could do anything I set my mind to, until now... Suddenly, I am not sure anymore. Not sure if that is part of grief or getting older while being alone. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

I still haven't changed my status on Facebook, not sure why but I haven't. I know someone on this forum said not to change your status because it brings people out of the woodwork?! I have been approached by some without changing my status, soooo, who knows.
 

lgelb

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A change in FB status to widowed is not pushed out to your timeline (there is a confirmation as you change it to that effect). And you don't have to display it on your page.

I didn't see any activity arising from the hidden change.

My late husband's profile is intact. People who are unaware-- we lived several places-- leave him birthday wishes every year -- why not?
 

Narrowminded

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Becky that’s one thing I never did on FB. I never did a complete profile for security sake so no relationship to change. It’s hard sometimes to know what’s right or what we even think we want. You are not alone. Hugs
 

affected

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with fb the thing is if your relationship status is visible and you change it to widowed of course it shows to the world and is announced, and then things go totally weird. If you simply hide your relationship status, it's all simple. But until you want to make that change, let it stay there til you are ready - it's all about you, not anyone else!

Leaving your partners fb page up is also a personal choice - many people memorialise the pages so they stay up but are not active as such anymore. Again it's about what you are comfortable with really.

Recognising you were drinking too much is fabulous - it's also ok. Sure not the best way to tackle grief, but join a huge club! I've never been a big drinker, but I drank more in those first few years than I ever have. Yet anyone who is a 'drinker' would have laughed a lot as it was probably very little in truth.

But I reached a point where I just didn't want to drink anymore and I now I rarely have a drink. So trust yourself, forgive yourself when you are not perfect and know that grief is rugged, and you are actually getting out of bed every day and facing it. That's more than many people manage, believe me as I am in support groups with a lot of grieving people.

OK didn't mean to become a counselling session, take whatever works out of that ramble 🥰
 

Nuts

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Speaking of getting out of bed, Tillie, I've finally resumed making the bed. I'd made my bed every day since I was old enough to start. Once Matt passed, I stopped. It's been 8 months, and I'm trying really hard to make that darn bed every morning, once again. Of all the crazy things...

I just finished a week of Camp Grandma. I had two of the grands, 8 and 10, for a week, and it was wonderful. They are old enough that they can entertain themselves for periods of time, and old enough that we spent a lot of time out on the water. I found that if we got out early and played until about 2, then came in for lunch, everyone would chill with electronics while granny napped during the hottest part of the day. Then we went back out one the water at a time that they are usually showering and heading for bed (when their parents are here maintaining a schedule). It was lovely.

I saw my PCP today and she said I looked like I'd lost weight. Nope, it's just the tan, but it felt good to here her ask!

My project this week---the big round tiled table on the back deck. The tiles were coming off, so I striped them all of and cleaned it up. My son suggested using left over decking boards (vinyl wrapped composite) for the new top. What a great idea....much easier than retiling (which my research indicated would require plywood, backer board, and then tile). The new deck is finishing up this week, and there are enough scraps left over to do the job. I'm feeling delightfully frugal.

In other good news, I have a circle of lady friends who are gathering on Tuesdays and Fridays for drinks and chats. The group has grown from three to 5 or 6, depending on the day. We are even going to open Fridays up to spouses. Of this group, I am a widow, another is single, two have husbands they expect to outlive, and one's husband is home two weeks and then gone for work two weeks. One's husband appears both healthy and retired. It is a wonderful group, and I do not feel along out here in the sticks!

Sad news...I do have those days, and tomorrow is our anniversary. I have no specific plans, but I think I'll make sure to get up and out of the house. I can't deal with another day like the 4th of July again this soon. Since tomorrow is Tuesday, I have a standing date with the girls at 3. Coffee with my friend next door in the morning. I just need to fill in the hours between.
 

Narrowminded

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I’m glad you are getting out with friends.

Hugs as you work through today. I unfortunately had our anniversary a bit too soon after Brian’s passing. I’m holding you long distance.

It’s weird you mention the bed. Mine has been unmade now since I brought the puppy home. I really need to restart myself. Mine was always made as well.

Sounds like some really fun time with the grands this past week. So lovely you could have that.

Sending huge hugs.
 

affected

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I had no trouble making the bed, but my totally weird one was not opening mail. That has never been a thing for me, and these days I don't even get much snail mail anyway! But I would walk in the house with it and put it down. Every couple of weeks I would collect it into a pile and that made it look less like something I wanted to tackle, so it would grow for several months!
Finally I would scold myself and as I started opening, I would find that most of it was so old it just went into the bin. Yet I would then just not open new mail yet again.
Even when I discovered that I had not opened the letter saying they had found something on mammogram and wanted me back in and why hadn't I confirmed the appointment they had made for me, it didn't change the behaviour as it wasn't logical behaviour!
Finally, I can't remember how long it took, maybe well into the end of year 2, I got past it, and had even pretty much forgotten about that weirdness until reading your post Becky. :ROFLMAO: :unsure: ☺
 

soonerwife

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I also quit making my bed... Maybe that will be my next thing to start again after working out, which I am still doing!!!
 

Nuts

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The summer is in full swing and I have lots of visitors...everything was going well and I just got slammed again. My dad had a stroke (I learned today that it happened last week). Although he was returned to his nursing home, they are recommending he move to hospice. Husband, mom, dad, dad's 2nd wife (stepbrother's mom), and father in laws lady all within 8 months. I've been expecting it, and I know it's his time, but I'm having a tougher time than I expected. My sister asked me today if this accounts for everyone we are expecting to lose. Yes, I think so. Please let it be so.

I'm still waiting for the AF Honor Guard to schedule Matt's internment at Arlington. I want to be done with death.
 
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