- Joined
- Feb 23, 2014
- Messages
- 2,636
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 01/2014
- Country
- US
- State
- NC
- City
- Littleton
Matt has been gone four months, and it feels like a lifetime. On the other hand, I think I'm just now mourning what we went through. All the losses that I was unable to mourn because we were too busy trying to live--I think they are battling their way out of the box I locked them in at the time.
And here I thought that when he flew free I'd be able to share his joy. How silly of me. Well, I am joyful for him, but I forgot that one day I'd start remembering the healthy years and have time to dwell on what I lost (as well as what he suffered). I don't like feeling this way.
I thought that moving away from ALS would help me. Yes, I am rejoining the world (and even watching news, not that that's much of a comfort), but I think I need my family here. I also think that I'm losing something by moving away.
Maybe I also need to mourn my other losses. I was supposed to visit mom in January, but I was sick. Before I could get there she had two serious strokes and never work up. I drove to Georgia in time to help my sister get mom moved to a hospice facility. Mom was already total care (no walking, no use of either hand, and suffering dementia). It was too easy for me at the time--it was the only thing to do and I just did it--without tears. Now they are mixed with other tears.
The day mom died, my son's dog died. Then within a couple of weeks, my dad's second wife (of three) a passed away. I called to tell my dad and wife #3, but dad does not remember either of his two other wives. Then my father-in-law's lady of decades broke her hip. She had advanced Alzheimer's. They did surgery, but she stopped eating and soon joined the rest of the crowd on the other side. I did not cry for any of them at the time, because it really was their time to be free.
Why is it that we can know it's time to let these people go, and yet we still have to feel pain about their passing? It should be celebrated. I really, really don't understand what the tears are about. Well, intellectually I don't.
Lordy. I just said out loud that I don't want to be crying over the normal cycle of life, and I swear I received Matt's response--then don't. OK, I'm calm now. I'm going to leave this here, because it helps to share. Thank you for listening. I'm calm now, and can go enjoy the day.
I first titled this thread "what now?", but just changed it. Now I need to chose life. I need to embrace life and all that comes with it, and that means not trying to forget, run away from, or use the past as a shield and excuse to shut myself off out of fear of more pain.
How's that for therapy? You, my friends, are awesome.
Becky
Becky
And here I thought that when he flew free I'd be able to share his joy. How silly of me. Well, I am joyful for him, but I forgot that one day I'd start remembering the healthy years and have time to dwell on what I lost (as well as what he suffered). I don't like feeling this way.
I thought that moving away from ALS would help me. Yes, I am rejoining the world (and even watching news, not that that's much of a comfort), but I think I need my family here. I also think that I'm losing something by moving away.
Maybe I also need to mourn my other losses. I was supposed to visit mom in January, but I was sick. Before I could get there she had two serious strokes and never work up. I drove to Georgia in time to help my sister get mom moved to a hospice facility. Mom was already total care (no walking, no use of either hand, and suffering dementia). It was too easy for me at the time--it was the only thing to do and I just did it--without tears. Now they are mixed with other tears.
The day mom died, my son's dog died. Then within a couple of weeks, my dad's second wife (of three) a passed away. I called to tell my dad and wife #3, but dad does not remember either of his two other wives. Then my father-in-law's lady of decades broke her hip. She had advanced Alzheimer's. They did surgery, but she stopped eating and soon joined the rest of the crowd on the other side. I did not cry for any of them at the time, because it really was their time to be free.
Why is it that we can know it's time to let these people go, and yet we still have to feel pain about their passing? It should be celebrated. I really, really don't understand what the tears are about. Well, intellectually I don't.
Lordy. I just said out loud that I don't want to be crying over the normal cycle of life, and I swear I received Matt's response--then don't. OK, I'm calm now. I'm going to leave this here, because it helps to share. Thank you for listening. I'm calm now, and can go enjoy the day.
I first titled this thread "what now?", but just changed it. Now I need to chose life. I need to embrace life and all that comes with it, and that means not trying to forget, run away from, or use the past as a shield and excuse to shut myself off out of fear of more pain.
How's that for therapy? You, my friends, are awesome.
Becky
Becky
